Category: Parenting

homeschool conference withdrawal

 [cp_dropcaps]E[/cp_dropcaps]ach April, for the last ten years, a highlight for us has been the annual Christian Heritage Family Discipleship & Homeschooling Conference—this year, particularly so—for so many reasons.

When I awoke this morning, I realized I’d been processing the conference in my dreams all night long.  I wondered how many other’s night’s sleep were filled with screen images, books, papers, faces, admonitions and beautiful music.  Through the day today, I’ve recounted conversations, in addition to important talks given by various teachers, I see and hear, in the theater of my mind, the beautiful performances and music that blessed us all — thousands of voices lifted in praise for what God has done.

But I also pondered, as I went about the dailies this morning, that there are probably countless others who’ve come away from the annual conference feeling overwhelmed and maybe even defeated — defeated in their home, homeschooling, family, marriage or homemaking — before they even put on Monday’s running shoes.  They may have arrived at the conference feeling that way, too.  But at the conference, they were uplifted, encouraged, cheered on!  At the conference, they were inspired to tackle the responsibilities that lay before them, to seize the opportunities set before them, and with gusto and fervent desire, to grasp the gold ring, so to speak.

And today they’re experiencing conference withdrawal.   Our kids talk about this sort of withdrawal when we drive away from an annual Bible conference weekend at the river in eastern Washington or from our annual family reunion gathering—mountaintop experiences that make normal, daily life seem ever so mundane.  And flawed.  I experience it, too.  Even though I predetermine not to.

I didn’t buy a thing at the conference this year — not even the cute commemorative coffee mug.  I didn’t order the whole conference on CD or mp3 (and not bcz it wouldn’t be totally worth buying!).   I didn’t feel compelled for even a moment to look for the key to homeschooling or the latest and best math or writing curriculum.  I didn’t even wonder what I was missing.  For the first time ever at a homeschool conference or convention.

No, I haven’t arrived and no, I don’t feel like I’ve got it. Surely not! I just finally know that I know: there is no key out there.  There is no magic homeschool: bling! you’re done!  There is no one-size-fits-all, success-in-a-box, homeschool  program.  All that, and if I live to be one hundred, I could not fully utilize, read, implement all the stuff I already have.  Seriously.

But there’s withdrawal… even still.  One thing I believe is common to us all is that we’re all seeking to do well, to finish well.

I wish I could convey that to others who are feeling inadequate as they come down from the past weekend.   Especially those who looked around all weekend and saw all the perfect mothers, perfect children, perfect curriculum packages, perfect books and perfect manuals… and are feeling like this mom:

homeschooler cartoon

And what I’d like to say to this mom: take it easy.  Do the next right thing. Stop collecting stuff and start using what you’ve got.  Study the Word to know the Lord.  Read aloud.  Hone in on the basics.  Talk & listen.  Listen and talk.  And take it easy.  Major on the majors and not on the minors.  In the end, it’s really all about God:  loving Him, knowing Him — what He has said, who He is, what He has done and what He will do — trusting Him, following Him, hearing Him, obeying His voice and doing His will.  Stay in the race with your children.

The race is shorter than you think.

Fifty shades of moral depravity

heart2.jpg.fpx

I haven’t read the book.  I won’t watch the movie. I saw the trailer for the movie Fifty Shades of Grey Evil in the theater.  Prior to another film I saw in the theater last fall, I heard the trailer as it played and teased the audience with despicable allure.  One needn’t have grown up with a sex-addict psychopath to know when someone/something is evil.  Nor, dare I say, does one need to be “spiritual” to recognize the evil of immorality — sexual abuse or abusive behaviour.  The law of God is written in our hearts. We know from the Word that God has given us this gift for our good–for our protection.  But when we deny Him, walk in our own ways, neglect the truth or buy into sin, we can be so easily lured into believing lies and become trapped by the devil’s clever snares.

So it is when a sensational movie comes along.  And maybe the worst lure of all for someone who’s firmly decided to not see the film or read the book is fear of rejection or fear of not being cool.  Ever been confronted with that: don’t-be-sucha-prude lure? Sure you have. I have, too.  O, so you’re too good for that?  O, so you’re afraid you’ll like it?  O, so you’re happy with your same ol’ – same ol’ sex? Don’t you want to spice things up a bit?  O, you can’t handle it?  You know what I mean.  And then, there’s the judgement bomb:  How can you self-righteously judge a movie or a book you haven’t seen?

I can’t take seriously and/or don’t care about any of that vitriol. We don’t have to experience wickedness to know it’s wicked.  We don’t have to view evil to know it’s evil.  Again, God’s law written on our hearts—and if we know Him, His Spirit bears witness with our spirit.  We can know — with assurance — things that are wrong – evil – immoral – vulgar – whatever, without seeing or experiencing them.  It’s amazing how much controversy is being raised over this movie — shocking that it’s being defended.   More than Harry what’s-his-name.   Although, ironically, I see danger watching sorcery, et al.

Isn’t it interesting that society in general seems to have allowed so much room for women’s liberation; giant leaps in “equality” and yet — and yet — here comes along a movie filled with such abuse, degradation, humiliation, torture and control — the very things from which women are fighting to be freed.  Homes and families are being shredded all over the world by such behaviours as are depicted in the film (and books, etc.).  Women all over the world are being sexually used and abused, tortured and controlled by ruthless sexual psychopaths and staggeringly lucrative multi-billion dollar sex/porn industry with all its facets.  Magazines, print ads, window displays are not far behind.  And now… Fifty shades of what? Entertainment?  For Valentines Day — Really!?!?  Is it for audience shock and awe?  Is this art?  Why was this film made?  And what’s next?

These questions and more flood my mind as I see the headlines in the news and on Facebook.  I grieve the loss of innocence… I grieve what our daughters and granddaughters face… I grieve what our sons and grandsons face: society’s free-fall into the abyss of evil.  I also grieve for the young minds that will be filled with unforgettable scenes… I grieve the messages that will be given to so many who are desperate for love, attention and acceptance — how I pray they don’t get lured into believing that true love is fifty shades of grey.

Lord help us all.

 

Christian Heritage Conference (part 1)

teacupIt’s been nearly a couple of weeks since the Christian Heritage Homeschooling and Family Discipleship Conference (whew! that’s a mouthful!) and I’ve continued to mull over some of the more “life impacting” elements of the conference.   I don’t know when the CH site will be updated, but it will be worth bookmarking and looking through the resources and future events/opportunities.

First, I’m sure glad we decided to attend the conference — and that we went to the many of the keynotes and workshops we did.  And, I’m so thankful for the opportunities we had to visit with old friends and acquaintances we’ve made at the conferences through the years.  I’m also glad we took the opportunity to browse through the large vendor hall and all the different curriculum booths and book tables of individual vendors.  It was nice to see that Above Rubies had a booth there, as well.  I recommended that next year he not come without a large quantity of THM products. ~wink~ He smiled.  I think he was unamused.  Maybe he’ll reconsider when he realizes just how lucrative that decision / venture might be.

I’m continually impressed with Ken Ham’s gracious demeanor and grasp of God’s Word, Creation and Biblical science.  He gave a bit of background to his recent widely televised debate with Bill Nye — and amplified why he said, “There is a Book…”    Later, he made an impressive statement:   “If you want to see where America’s going, look at England.”  Following that statement, he gave numerous statistics regarding the state of the church and families in America.  He continued with more insightful reflections on society — referring to the devil’s first attack: “…hath God said…?”   Ken Ham went on to state that that same attack will be on you, your children, this nation, etc.   So much more — listen to the recording of his keynotes if you’re able.

It was a great blessing to spend time with Jennifer Bliesner.  In different workshops she explained brain development, learning trends, communication and the alarming trend in processing disorders and what electronics are doing to our minds — our endangered minds!  Meaningful relationships are being shut out by so much screen time that we and our children are not relating on a cognitive level… neurons are not firing to the conceptual thinking and are actually causing parts of the brain to not think.  Computers and electronics are doing great damage not only to our brains, but socially as well.  We are encouraged to shut down the computers / electronics, take in good nutrition, get aerobic exercise, express language and have meaningful dialogue and conversations and drink more water.  [I think my mama called in that one 😉 ]
I am remembering a great tip:  When talking with children, assign meaningful language to their emotions, reactions, feelings.     Stop. listen. think. react.  Give them words for impulse control…
And… choose a school subject that requires no electronics and that fosters worthwhile and significant communication that makes children think, reason, respond… using every teachable moment to encourage intellectual and social well being and affirmation.
The take-away?  Do you love me?   Their great need for assurance.  Ah, yes!  Theirs is also my great need, I thought.

There are more great highlights… I’ll share more next time.

It’s in the valleys we find joy

You know that… you know it’s a new day and whether you’ve faced it with dread or with joy, the truth is that today’s a new day.
Dear sister, dear friend, dear mama… today’s a new day and if you’re in the valley today,  it’s been my prayer as I’ve prepared to write this note, that *you* will rest in the Lord today.

No matter how the devil hounds us, especially in the valleys, we must determine today to quit looking for a way out of the valley or a way we could have, should have, would have done something different… we must determine to stop thinking we can change our yesterdays.

I sit by the window and see the beauty of the day and determine to seek only that which is good.  Today.

You have today.  That’s all you’ve got: today.  Maybe it’s someone you love, someone you ache over that has you in a valley today.  Maybe your life’s filled with regrets over what you couldda, shouldda, wouldda done.  You can’t see it today, maybe, but you will have joy through this storm.  If you’ve got a prodigal today, do something today… pray, call, pray, seek to communicate, pray, quit doing the stupid in your life and live the rest of your days — by the grace of God — according to all that He has commanded you.

If you’ve botched friendships, schedules, plans, relationships — whatever — you cannot do a thing about the yesterdays — in terms of thinking they could be or could have been different — but, by God’s grace and His work in and through you — there can be a change in you today.  Sure, things could have been different, but they weren’t.  So… today.  You have today.

May the Lord bless it and give you peace.

Two years ago today our dear son Timothy woke from a coma… I could not have known that day how many “new days” I would experience, how many disappointments I would face, how many misunderstandings, regrets, stupid things, problems, joys and sorrows, delights and losses I would face.  But, one thing I have held in my heart and in the forefront of my thoughts is that God is only good all the time and whatever happens, it’s not in the troublefree, carefree, effortless times we grow… it’s in the valleys we grow.  It’s in the valleys we learn to walk hand in Hand with the Saviour.  It’s in the valleys we cement our faith in Him.  It’s in the valleys that trust is imprinted on our hearts.  It’s in the valleys we grow in grace.

It’s in the valleys we find joy.

Captivated

You know I’ve written about internet addition… e-mail… group list mail addiction… AOL… Geocities… One-List… eGroups… screen addiction… information addiction… whatever could be looked up… early on: Ask Jeeves. Bling.  Ask him… ask him anything.  Then Yahoo, then Google… click, click, click… Bling.  You’ve got mail… Bling!  Click, click, click… Blogs! Bling!  Facebook. Bling! Pinterest. Bling!

I write what I’m learning… I share what I see, what I experience, what God is teaching me.  You know; through a series of trials, disappointments and losses I was presented face to face with the reality that I was/am an internet addict.  By the grace of God and through the love of my husband, I had to face this reality and, after some time had passed, learn to make changes — and when it was obvious I could not be self governing, I had to have boundaries — literal restrictions — placed on my computer.  Like a drug addict, I am powerless over media.  And… like a drug addict, I didn’t realize what was going on around me, nor did I realize I was causing others to resent me — the time I was spending online and the time I  was not spending with them.  And guess what the fruit of this was/is?  Yes… in many ways, family and friends addicted to media.  That is not sweet fruit.

So… I implore you today.  Get fences.  Get restrictions on your media.  Get pruned.  Get staked.  Learn to live within the boundaries so that you will be more fruitful, more fragrant, more productive… You’ll see.  And you’ll be amazed.

Two years ago, when I handed my computer to my husband, I knew I had to come to grips with internet addiction/family hurts and my walk with the LORD.  Then, months later, when I had worked through and walked through where I was, what I’d done and what I needed to do: my one hour’s use per day almost seemed like a worse prison than no computer use per day… but that time was actually a school of prayer and more repentance, more revelation of what had happened (and why it happened) and what needed to happen.  What I thought was a punishment was a blessing.  What I thought was too hard was actually a marvelous mercy.  What I thought was too restrictive has become my greatest freedom.

Now, as in this little window of allocated/measured time, I have freedom — permission — blessing — to use this computer and I can choose to use the time to browse,  listen to sermons, to research,  to read/write devotionals, blogs, connect with my children and friends… bcz I’m in step with the plan for my days.  It’s freeing.  This humbling limitation has given me so much assurance and freedom.

It’s joked about sometimes around here — this restriction — and it reminds me of people’s comments to me early on when we only had one vehicle for many years and my husband was gone all day.  I could walk to the store for my groceries — returning with what could be carried or hung on the stroller.  It was freeing to me to not “run around” in the car — to plan my days and outings, to live within those boundaries.  I didn’t always know it and probably couldn’t appreciate it.  But I know and appreciate it now.  These things affirm to me that God never wastes a thread.

What’s Pulling on Your Apron Strings

That might sound like a strange title to a message I want to share with you today, but perhaps by the time you finish reading this letter, you’ll have an idea and perhaps realize some things you’ve been wanting to take care of for some time.

So, what’s pulling on your apron strings?  You know… the thing or things that nag at you or that seem to be pulling at you from one direction or many.  You may be attempting to work around your home and keep having interruptions or distractions that prevent you from accomplishing what’s really needful.  You may have plans or schedules, or wish you had plans or schedules, and yet every day something, or many things pull on your apron strings and prevent you from meaningful or notable accomplishment.

I know I have these same feelings or experiences from time to time –sort of as if nothing seems to go right or nothing measurable ever seems to get done. It’s as if at the end of each week I have relatively little to show for my efforts and certainly none for the fatigue I might be feeling.  Yet, my apron’s dirty and the strings are raveled at the end.

Over the years I had great ambition for great things.  I wanted to spend time individually with each of the children each day; I wanted to spend time reading aloud, fixing their hair, assisting them with schoolwork, chores and prayers.  I had lofty aspirations that we would do projects, tell and record stories: that I would pass on valuable stories, life-lessons and a rich heritage…

But then, many days –most days– I would come to my bedside and realize that, once again, yet another day where I’d failed to reach my glorious ambitions.  Instead, we had just spent another day –another hum-drum day.  Together.

Pulling at my apron strings were all the wouldda, shouldda, couldda’s and few of the atta-girl’s, way-to-go’s and wahoo’s of life.  At the point I realized that all those marvelous and coveted accolades were simply unrealistic, I also realized I truly was getting all those atta-girl’s, way-to-go’s and wahoo’s of life.  I truly had them… I just wasn’t seeing them, that’s all.  I wasn’t seeing the “atta-girl” in my son’s: “Mom, will you fix this for me? I can’t do it.” Or, in my daughter’s: “Mama, you’ve got to write down these recipes for me or I will not ever be able to cook like you!”  Or, “O, my mom will do it for you, she’s right here!”  Or,  probably the sweetest gift of all I just received and it was contained in a letter, reading: “Mama… You are the best friend I’ve ever had.”

See, I missed the blessings by being concerned
about the unimportant things or on my failings
instead of what really was most important for that day.

Often, pulling on my apron strings are all the things I’ve done wrong as a mother, wife or friend.  Pulling on my apron strings are the things I don’t do well or the things I don’t have (as compared with my friends) or all the ways in which my children don’t *seem* to measure up (again, compared to others’ or compared with a high ideal or whatever).

Everyday, nagging thoughts creep in and occasionally pull me here and pull me there… and even get me all tied in knots sometimes over the silliest things – all tied up over things only the LORD can take care of or only the LORD knows about.  Sometimes all tied up over things I *imagine* to be so.  And then, I stop and think:  wait a minute… should these things be pulling at my apron strings, pulling me down in despair?  Should I be letting those thoughts come in and flood my mind, or should I take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.

I know this to be a truth: I have never given to the LORD –any thought, desire, motive, whatever that was then rejected by Him.

He has never yet, will never, can never: fail me.  So then, I consider at thought or a pulling on my apron strings and I ask: is this of You, LORD? Or I say, I know this is not of You, LORD, and so I ask You to take this thought, desire, fear (or whatever), from me and I ask You to guide my thoughts, guard my heart and mind and help me to see only You.  Please hide me behind Your Cross, LORD.

O, sure, other women are going to have bigger, better, more than you or I; and sure, other families are going to have newer, brighter, more attractive homes, children, lives, accomplishments, etc., etc., than you or I.  But you know what?  They don’t get to be you—they don’t get to be me.  You’re uniquely you created by God, saved by Him unto faith and good works.  He loves you with an everlasting love and underneath you are His everlasting arms and in you is His eternal Spirit and surrounding you is His eternal joy of salvation in Christ Jesus.  Wow.  Now those are some pretty wonderful things.  Did you know you had all those treasures tucked in the pockets of your apron?

So, next time something starts pulling on your apron strings and you know it’s not simply one of the little blessings the LORD has given you, you just reach in your pocket and pull out one of the Truths of God’s Word and His love for you.

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.
Jeremiah 31.3

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;  And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.”   2Corinthians 10.3-6

I pray the LORD will just bless you and bless you over and over and that you will be assured of His great love for you and that He will guide your steps and guard your thoughts.

always in His hands, love,  pamela

Stuff’s going to work out.

I know.  I’d probably grimace if one of my kids started an essay: “Stuff’s going to work out.”   But, it’s on my mind today: stuff — and how it works out.   But I want to begin by saying: stuff’s probably not going to work out how you thought it would — or even how you hoped it would — but, truly, in the end, stuff’s going to work out.

Last year, the year you’ve heard me describe as the most sorrowful year of my life,  I heard a song… it was one of two songs that so resonated with me that I played them over and over and over again.  Hymns and psalms and spiritual songs minister to my heart, they lift my thoughts heavenward and they seem to dispel the darkness of doubt and despair.

Over and over in my head I would hear the words, It’s going to be alright.  I knew this — because I knew that God only does all things well — but I also didn’t know this — do you know what I mean?  I didn’t know – know – know this because of what I was *seeing.*  What I was seeing looked to be anything but alright.  But in my wrestling, I knew the it was so big God must be in it.  In my wrestling I knew that none of it had escaped His gaze and that He would work it together for good.  He could not do anything other than that.  And I knew that.   But for ninety-seven days I struggled.  Struggle still.  Sometimes.

On the night that my whole world seemed to come crashing down around me I didn’t see that it was going to be alright.  I didn’t see how it could be alright.  Through a series of events, that led to one of our children leaving home for ninety seven days, I learned to see, believe, trust and hope in God as I never have before — and what I didn’t know at the time was that God was, indeed, using that event as an instrument to both chasten and strengthen me — to both humble and lift me — to crush me and to fill me.  I needed all of that — I needed it much more than I needed to know that it was all going to be alright.  What I needed to know was something I thought I knew but didn’t.   It was something I taught I knew but didn’t.  Maybe that’s a bit harsh — I guess, in reality, I knew as much as I knew of that truth — but I didn’t know as much I know of that fact now.

That child was longing for love, attention, time, affirmation… and I was busy.  I was distracted.  I was doing good things but not best things.  And that child went away — to my great shame, regret and sorrow — but by the grace of God returned ninety-seven days later.  Returned home, broken, completely restored and strengthened in faith and was genuinely welcomed home — such a beautiful testimony of the mercy and grace of God.  I, on the other hand, very humbled, broken and filled with such regret and sorrow, was still trying to gather up the shards and pieces of my life.  I am only now beginning to understand all that the Lord had for me in that lesson.  And,  I so do not want to miss anything He had for me in that very expensive and painful lesson — and though I’m not speaking financially at all, it was, truly,  a very costly lesson — I cannot afford to miss what He had, or has, for me in it/through it.

I won’t elaborate on the details of those days — but I’d like to say that the lessons I learned in that valley were and are very, very precious and have given me great hope and great faith in the Lord’s dealings with me — with us all.  He showed me, in so many ways, how resourceful and creative He is.  He showed me that none can pluck one of His little ones out of His hand.  He showed me that He cares for my child — my children — more and better than I ever could and He showed me He loved that little one… and never shifted His gaze.  And He loved me, too.  No matter that I did not deserve His mercy and His love.  He showed me that He loved me too much to leave me where I was – going on the track I was going.  I needed that correction.  I needed it so much.

One thing kept ringing through — I knew for certain all through that dark valley was that I was going to to need what I received there – I was going to need that faith, that hope and that trust in God.  I didn’t know how, I didn’t know why and I didn’t know when — but I knew I was going to need it.  I said to myself over and over: you’re going to need this.  You’re going to need this one.

And I did need it — not only for the following, but for many things since:  Only a couple of months later…  it didn’t take long and it wasn’t at all difficult to figure it out  when our missionary son returned from Africa – and then the following week lay sick in the hospital — in a coma, very sick with cerebral malaria.  It was then that I knew that I knew… the Lord truly is all I have and all I need.

It’s a real risk sharing stuff sometimes — but I think it would be pretty selfish not to.  If you barely hanging on… if you feel like you’re sinking in too deep… if there’s some pain that’s tearing you apart, then, would you cast your cares upon the Lord Jesus — would you trust Him that it’s all going to be alright — that He truly is going to work everything together for good — for your good and His glory.  He who cannot lie — cannot fail.  And He, who loved you first… loves you still.  And stuff’s going to work out.  Really… you have His Word on it.  Maybe not like you thought and not like you hoped… but stuff’s going to work out.

The words to the Sara Groves song: It’s Going to be Alright

It’s going to be alright, It’s going to be alright

I can tell by your eyes that you’re not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you’re sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that

It’s going to be alright, It’s going to be alright

I believe you’ll outlive this pain in you heart
And you’ll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It’s going to be alright, It’s going to be alright

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe, I believe

I did not come here to offer you cliche’s
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It’s going to be alright, It’s going to be alright

It’s going to be alright
It’s going to be alright 

I can tell by your eyes that you’re not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you’re sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that

It’s going to be alright
It’s going to be alright

I believe you’ll outlive this pain in you heart
And you’ll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It’s going to be alright
It’s going to be alright

When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you clichÈ’s
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It’s going to be alright
It’s going to be alright

Consider this…

You’re never as right as you think you are — and — you’re never as wrong as you think you are.  Deep down, I know this — and you probably know this, too.  But we, too often, get stuck dwelling on our dilemmas or grieving over our losses.  We get stuck, too, in maintaining our ‘rightness’ and fail to stop and consider our ‘wrong-ness’ about a matter.

And then someone comes along and after hearing part of the story,  illuminates the darkened or obscured side of the matter.  And then we see, much to our regret, that maybe, just maybe, we’ve been wrong about that matter after all.  Wise counsel is invaluable.  Impartial counsel, even more so.

If you remember this next week and you’ll be miles ahead of the pack.

But the pack just might still believe they’re more right than you.  Maybe they’ll even think that your wrongs are worse than their wrongs.  Worse yet, maybe they’ll convince you to believe that your wrongs are the worst wrongs. That last one’s usually the devil, by the way.  Most of us a pretty good at defending our right to be right.

Truth is, the answer is usually somewhere in the middle — but we’re usually too right or too wrong to see that.

When these different scenarios happen to me — or happen in my life — I don’t usually want to do the necessary.  The necessary is to look at the situation from their perspective.  And then to ask the question:  is there any truth in this? Usually I’ll find that, yes, there is a smidge of truth — just a smidge.  If that’s my finding, then I’ve learned that sometimes I’m being too prideful to objectively consider the problem.  I then need to ask a next question and it is this:  if they were me and I were them, what would I think? Hmmm?  Hmmm.  Perhaps I am wrong.  Okay, yes, I am wrong.

When I come to this revelation, then I know I’ve got to do whatever I can to make that situation right.   Regardless the outcome, I need to, so far as it depends on me, do whatever it takes to make the situation right.  I need to get myself in such a state as that I am not seeking to defend my rights or to point out their wrongs.  And, that’s so NOT easy sometimes — especially when we perceive we have a legitimate reason for our behaviour or that that person has some of their information wrong.

There’s always more to the story.  More to a situation than meets the eye.  And usually,  we’d both come to the same conclusions had we all the facts in the beginning.

In a houseful of various personalities, you’ll have lots of opportunities to practice these experiences — lots of occasions to instruct others about them, too.  I have found it’s so much easier to teach this to others than to experience this personally.   But I can relate these lessons to others, though, because I know them experientially.

Just remember:  You’re never as right as you think you are — and — you’re never as wrong as you think you are.

CSA; I’ve never told anyone this before, but…

That’s how the stories usually begin… that’s how they usually come tumbling out of mouth of a woman sitting beside me.  The story is actually prefaced with: Can I talk to you?  And after I say, Of course, hot tears seem to well up in the eyes of  the one who desperately needs to tell someone — someone who will listen, someone who will understand, someone who will care.

[ Because of something I might have shared there in a talk or because of the “safe-feeling” of the setting – maybe it’s after a Bible study, a Ladies’ Tea or at a Women’s Retreat –  I think women know they can talk to me; they know I will listen, they know I will understand and they know I will care.  What they might not know (or believe) is that not only will all those things be true, but I will also pray with and for them.   I’m so glad for these opportunities.  I marvel how the Lord’s continually brought to mind many women I’ve talked with over the years. And   though I might’ve forgotten their name – I still remember their stories, I still remember their faces and still care that they shared their stories with me.  And I pray for them.  These opportunities are some of the ways the Lord has shown me that what the devil intended for evil, God intended for good — for my good and His glory. ]

And so, their story usually begins something like this:  I’ve never told anyone this before, but when I was eleven (or what ever age) my step-father (or uncle or brother or neighbour or family friend, etc.) sexuallyabused me.  I didn’t know it was sexualabuse at the time, but he told me not to tell anyone… and I knew it was wrong,  but I was so scared and I knew there would be trouble if I told anyone… but I can’t live with this secret anymore.  This secret is killing me.  I just can’t keep this in anymore.

Even if she told one person initially,  she’ll usually remain pretty silent after that.  Maybe only ever just hinting at a problem. Because the fear remains.  And then shame moves in and brings along shame’s traveling companion: guilt.  She wonders how could that have happened?  And then she resolves, that will never happen again!  But she remains silent.  That silence lasts for years — creative coping mechanisms sort of carry her through; she learns to adapt to fear and insulates herself from further abuse… she becomes adept at stuffing her emotions, masking them or pretending they don’t exist.  Lots of denial, lots of shame, destructive habits and character issues.  Doubt and fear become second nature and, generally speaking, it will be a long time before a girl or woman will ever divulge what happened.

And for most of us, sooner or later, a breaking point washes over us and we  find trust in someone and can finally say: I’ve never told anyone this before but…

And there’s some strange comfort in the telling.  It’s not the same smug wielding of power that comes when a child says: I’m telling! to a sister or friend who took the last cookie or whatever.  It’s a different  — a freeing revelation — one that looks fear in the face and says: you cannot hurt me anymore. It’s one that takes that secret and blows it to pieces, saying:  It’s out… the secret’s out.  The secret isn’t secret anymore.

And after the telling… after the woman’s straightened herself in the chair, wiped her tears and has taken a deep breath, she looks up and, maybe for the first time, experiences a small bit of relief  — knowing that :  now someone else knows and now someone else cares — finally, someone understands.   I totally understand.  And, truth is, lots of “someone’s” understand.

At this point, I usually ask the woman (if she’s married) if she’s candidly talked with her husband about this.  And, actually, such is usually the case — women have usually at least told their husband.  But if not, I always suggest that’s the next person to talk with and I pray with her that by the grace of God, she will do that right away.   I always feel like I wish I could somehow convey to a husband, in advance, hey, your wife’s got a very, very heavy burden to reveal to you… you already know deep down that she has some deep seated hurts – some wounds and scars that need attention and healing.  And you’re going to need to be ready to bear this burden with her…but I don’t and so, with trust in the merciful Lord, I mentally give the matter to Him.

If the woman is not married, then the matter is wholly different — and prayer for wisdom and understanding is the first measure to take.  And then, very special attention to working out with her, talking her through the revealing, through the facing of the truth — to parents or whomever is ‘responsible’ for her care.

In the end, I sure pray she will carry through and will be believed when she says, I’ve never told anyone this before, but…