Grandparenting – The Welcome Home

Two Miraculous Births

[cp_quote style=”quote_left_dark”]Two births — the birth of a mother, the birth of a child.[/cp_quote]Every time I assist a birth I watch and watch and watch for not one, but two miraculous births — first the birth of a mother, that powerful time of dying to herself with a burst of unparalleled bravery and resolve to give every ounce of energy, hope, and strength to that little life in her pain racked body…and then, of course, the emergence of that little baby — that life that’s been at the center of all the hopes, all the tears, all the anticipation, and of all the pain.

Those two births — the birth of the mother, the birth of the child — were nine months of preparation and anticipation in the making. Nine months of mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual transformations.

For many women, this is a thrilling time — a time of transition from a life that might have been on an entirely opposite path than that of motherhood to a life that anticipates, researches, embraces, and finds new identity in motherhood. For other women, that time of transition is filled with anxiety, fear, doubt, pain, and isolation. And, for still others, this time of preparation is a strange mix of the two—the labour and birth—instantly defining their place in life, instantly birthing in them a love they could not even begin to fathom prior to that triumphal moment of birth. The fears and doubts seem to melt away as they draw their baby to their breast, look with wonder into their eyes and embrace the motherhood that’s just been placed in their arms.

I began writing this journal entry last summer while I was still working as a birth assistant — on call for local home and birth-center births — usually I was assisting perfect strangers — assisting them in their most vulnerable, desperate circumstance, instantly bonding with women of all walks of life.

As I complete this entry today, I’m “on-call” here at home as I await the labour and birth of our daughter’s baby — the birth of another mother ~smile~ and I guess, in a way, I’m awaiting the birth of a grandmother. again.

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Saturday Morning Funnies

My mama sent me an email this morning… I laughed at the different quoted comments and thought I’d share them with you. As I type this, I find myself stunned that I am old enough to hear such questions or statements from my own dear children *and* grandchildren. My-o-my, How did I get so old without growing up!?!?

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister… After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough..’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

30 Favourite Things #5

So it happened. A letter came in the mail today. From the AARP. No, it was not addressed to: Resident. It was addressed to me. My name – not Mrs. not Ms. Just my name. I know. I still occasionally think that I will receive a letter addressed to: Miss. I even ~~dream~~ think there’s still a possibility of being “carded” at the checkstand buying cooking wine. O, stop laughing. Stranger things have happened.

I think it must be part of that princess deal. I don’t know.

So, why is receiving that ARRP subscription on my 30 Favourite Things list? Well, first, I never thought I’d be this age. Seriously. I never thought I’d live this long. And to think my husband’s grandma lived nearly twice this long! Another thing, I think, is that I never thought I’d be privileged to see this much history or have this many experiences – most certainly not this much family. And so, now that I am the age that I am, I marvel that I got here and I’m practically boasting about it now. Almost obnoxious. Almost.

Well, in case you’re wondering what you get with your AARP membership, I will let you in on what was outlined in today’s AARP letter. The letter informed me that AARP is “fighting for your [that would be *my*] American Dream.” That I would receive the magazine — “Most interesting and most helpful for everyone over 50.” The AAPR Bulletin and “email newsletters reporting on money, work, travel, family, health and more.” Discounts on travel and other services. Access to health related benefits. Access to financial programs… “…mobile home and motorcycle insurance.” (I couldn’t make that up. Motorcycle insurance. Hmmmm.) Community programs and services.

And to think I had to wait 50 years for all this. I’m thinking: had I known that 50 would bring all this, I might have been more inclined to want to get here faster. As it was, though, I certainly feel like I got here pretty fast. Well, actually, a lot faster than I had ever imagined.

Well, no time for blogging. I gotta go fill out my AARP form – to get my new Membership Kit. I mean, if I’m going to be 50, then I’m thinking I’m going to want to be a card carrying member. You know… ‘case I get carded.

Naming the grandmother

Another drawback or disadvantage of not having family traditions is that life happens and sometimes you’ve just done things one way or another simply by default. It’s not yo fault, it’s default. Take being Swedish or German or Norwegian or Russian or whatever… there are wonderful traditions that are unique or particular to that country or culture. I’m not so sure what American culture is…. or what things are particular to Americans as far as family and/or traditional or distinguishing customs go. Maybe bigger-better-more. No… bigger-better-more really is a universal thing… it’s just that the bigger-better-more may not necessarily be a tangible or material thing… it may be simply an achievement or an accumulation of knowledge or skill or whatever.

Okay, so now where was I going with all that? O, yes. I have been thinking a lot about names… what other people call us says a bit about what they think of us or what we think of what they think of us and so on. Lemme give you an example: Say I have a particular pet name for you and I call you: Dear…. I may sometimes call you Deary, or Dearest, or My-dear. Those would be sweet and the intention, sweet. But think for a moment the times you might have heard: “Yes, dear.” It actually comes out Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaahhhssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, deeeeeeir. Sounds kind of like a disgusted sigh. Think of the same statement: “Yes, dear” said in a sweet way and you understand the inherent love in the lilting tone.

In recent years I have been very quiet about a name… my name. Might be your name, too. It’s Grandma. Now, I don’t mind one little bit being a grandma or even being called grandma. That’s not what I mean… but I must say that sometimes I don’t like the sound of that name… and worse: the occasional, almost mocking nature of references to grandmas. It doesn’t sound like the sweet: Gramma… that Grammy sounding name or the sweet sound of Nanna or Mama. Nope, sometimes people make grandma sound pretty derogatory. I think you might know what I mean… especially if you’re a grandmother yourself: Someone meets you and discovers you have children who have children of their own… and you hear: So, you’re a graaaand-mah. Trying to look past the condescension, you muster up a sweet: Yes!

So, back to those traditions… if you’ve got them (those special names given to grandmothers), wonderful! If you don’t have them, then you’ll likely wear the default name: Grandma. So, I’m thinking that what women ought to do is think long and hard about what they want their name to be… what they’ll want their grandchildren to call them – and if they’ve got lots of children, then they’ll likely have lots of grandchildren and it sure would be a whole lot simpler to have one name you call yourself – that special name your grandchildren call you.

I asked our girls recently to be thinking about what they want their children to call me (when they have children). For, I recognize that, most likely, what they want their children to call me is probably most important…. probably even more important than what I want their children to call me. And… just bcz the firstborn’s children got to “name me,” doesn’t mean that’s the name I have to have – if it’s contrary to the girl’s wish. I say this bcz it sure seems to me that mothers and mothers-in-law are two entirely different sorts of grandmothers in the daughter’s and daughter’s in law’s eyes – so, that’s my rationale for asking our daughters to be thinking of the name they want their children to call me.

So, naming the grandmother. If tradition doesn’t do it… better start thinking about your own!

Parenting and Grandparenting Little Ones

The interesting thing about grandparenting little ones while still bringing up little ones at home is the necessary time each requires. Necessary time for instilling priorities and grounding in the relationship, necessary time for attention and care and necessary time for establishing order and authority. It’s a tough balancing act at times.

There’s the grandparents inherent desire to be accepted, appreciated, loved, etc., by the grandchildren — something that really is natural in children, but somehow, generally, grandparents don’t have that solid assurance from their grandchildren that they have from their own children. I think it has to do with the entirely right and appropriate authority of parents. But I think parents have a lot to do with the level of authority and respect represented and shown for their children’s grandparents. Children know their parents are their “authorities,” but they have this testing ground with grandparents… do they have to obey them or not? do they have to listen or not. Again, parents bear a great responsibility here: they must guide the level of authority and responsibility and obedience.

I like to think of it this way: when we have a job to do, we take responsibility for the planning, execution and completion of the job. If we don’t have the freedom to do the job completely, then we’ve not really been given responsibility for the job. Same with grandparenting. Grandparents need to be given the “authority” to look after the children, to be obeyed and to discipline when necessary. When the grandchildren know these perameters or expectations are set, they will have the freedom to love and obey the grandparents as they ought — and when the grandparents are sure of their place in the grandchildren’s lives, they, too, have the freedom to love and care for the grandchildren appropriately.

But if the grandparents are don’t have the blessing of the children’s parents to be true grand-parents, then they’ll naturally go down another path bcz they’ll still want to have the loyalty and affection of the grandchildren—the grandchildren will know they don’t have to listen or obey the grandparents and so the grandparents will seek, perhaps manipulative, ways to gain the hearts of the grandchildren and, ironically, the grandchildren will attempt to manipulate the permissive grandparents.

When the grandparents don’t have the obedience of the grandchildren their relationship will on shaky ground. If the children’s parents are seeking to train up the children in the way they should go, and yet have compromising grandparents to deal with, then the grandchildren will be torn by the guilt they will come to have if/when they behave contrary to parent’s wishes. They will be torn by split loyalties. They will be trapped in the snares of temptation and permissive grandparents. And the foolish grandparents will wonder: what happened here?

But if the grandparents parent the grandchildren the way their children are seeking to parent their own children, then there will be harmony and security. This harmony and security will not only be experienced by the children, but by the parents and grandparents as well.

So back to that balancing act of parenting and grandparenting simultaneously. We have noticed that we must be extremely careful when caring for our grandchildren here in our home. It’s not all that noticeable in other’s homes where we and both our children/grandchildren are present. But in our home, we see the necessity of consistent parenting for both our young children and our grandchildren. We cannot allow our grandchildren the luxury of being/doing/saying what we don’t allow our own youngsters to be/do/say. And yet… there’s this unique dynamic that we also need to work to affirm our children (the parents of our grandchildren) but deferring to them when discipline is necessary or backing up recent discipline with appropriate boundaries. Our grandchildren witness this as see us as a “united front” with their parents. And our own little children (the aunts and uncles of the grandchildren) see us demonstrating the very same care and discipline and so they also have affirmation of a unified consistency. I can’t afford the consequences of not doing these things… and the children would be poorly served if I didn’t.

More another time on grandparenting and parenting young ones.

Happy Grandparenting

I love the testimony of a plaque that hangs on the kitchen wall at our friends’ house. She’s Nana to six grandchildren. As is shown below, the first four letters of the word, spoiled, have been crossed out. It’s a great conversation piece and thought provoking, too. Too often grandparents and other people joke about little children and poke fun at rules and limits. Almost mocking indulgences are made when people give children “treats” or other things the parents wouldn’t want them to have or would want in moderation not excess.

We’re of the same mind that the worst thing a grandparent can do is to “spoil” the grandchildren — for I know of few things worse than spoiled individuals (or spoiled anything, for that matter). I’m thankful our parents have this same mind, by the way. It’s made our job so much easier with our own children and spurred us on with our grandchildren, too.

Of what value is it to children if grandparents undermine the training and values the parents are attempting to instill? Of what genuine worth is an indulgent grandparent? O, I am not equating kindness or “pampering” or sweet-treatment to spoiling, for it’s a delight to tenderly care for and guide children and grandchildren. No… that’s not what spoiling is. Spoiling is allowing children to get away with things contrary to the parent’s teaching… contrary to the biblical disciplines the parents are instilling… contrary to wisdom. Spoiling is a destructive manipulation many well meaning grandparents use in order to gain favor in the grandchildren’s eyes. But the trouble with that is that the children will have to eventually discern who’s really loving them and they’ll be torn between loyalties… loyalty to parents and loyalty to grandparents.

Leading children along right paths is one of the great privileges of grandparenting. I’m seeing it as a second opportunity to do well with and for the first child.

Happy Grandparent’s day to the grandpa’s and grandma’s!
plaque

May we all have sweet memories of children and grandchildren who are not spoiled but are led well!