June 2012 – The Welcome Home

So you’re addicted. Now, what?

When the day of my turning point came, I wouldn’t have been more stunned had a wrecking ball come swinging into my kitchen window. I’m now not so sure if it was the actual event or the combination of that and a heartrending revelation and my subsequent overwhelming grief that I’d squandered precious time — for years — reading, searching, creating, writing, researching… on the computer. Good things… so many good things.

There is a silver lining…
Lord has opened His Word to me in many new ways. I want to be careful not to exceed the context or intent of the Scriptures, so my ‘revelations’ or insights might not seem applicable to this situation — but numerous passages have spoken to my heart in new ways through these last two and a half years. One, is that the Lord is not willing that any should perish. Now, this pertains, ultimately, to salvation, but I’ve begun to see His love for life in a new way. His love for eternal life, His love for unborn life, His love for the downtrodden, His love for obedience in life, and His purpose that we might have life and that, more abundantly.

Addictions limit abundant living.

No worries: I haven’t jumped ship here into name-it-and-claim-it-prosperity-(little g) gospel living. But I do see that we limit God’s work in our lives when we live contrary to His plans and purposes for us. Being a preoccupied and distracted mother leads to all sorts of visible and not-so-visible troubles — but that’s not all — whatever is occupying our thoughts and time must be in accordance with God’s plan and design for our lives and things that hinder that or draw us away should rightly be called sin to us. Yeeouch. All the justifications, excuses and reasons for doing otherwise just deepens our problem and widens the sweeping damage done in our homes and in the lives of our family members.

Having the computer set up in the kitchen where it could be accessed and consulted at any hour, any time, for any length of time was like a drug to me — a gotta-have- it drug. That’s why I can so easily and confidently call unguarded, unrestrained and unmeasured internet use an addiction.

You know you’re addicted when you pray: Give us this day, our daily bread… And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us [some email]…

So, now what?

When facing and fessing up to and then turning/recovering from addiction, may I say, you’re never going to make it if you try going it alone. The devil will meet you at every turn (or log-in). You will make provision for the flesh. You will justify, minimize your addiction, make excuses for your ‘work’ and need to be online. And then you’ll remember you made a deal, your regret or shame or embarrassment may come back to your mind — but admissions will not keep you on track. Your sorrow will not keep you on track. Your resolve will not keep you on track. Your best intentions will not keep you on track. Simply deciding to be done with spending too much time on the computer will not solve your deeper problem and will not prevent you from carrying on just as you had been doing. I think that’s why the Lord taught or gave the following warning in Matthew 12:

(43-45) When the unclean spirit is gone out of the man, it walks through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then it says, I will return into my house from which I came out; and when it is come, it finds it empty, swept, and garnished. Then it goes and takes with itself seven other spirits worse than itself, and they enter in and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first…”

Walls and fences for wills and fancies!

AA. Yep, AA! No, I’m not talking Al-Anon, I’m talking Accountability and Activity! I have learned over the last several years — and most especially in the last two and a half — that whenever a change — a drastic change — is needed, drastic measures must be taken. And, believe me, computer addiction is that serious. Think of the times you’ve dieted. You don’t leave the delectable foods on the counter, you don’t snack on candy bars, sip on rootbeer floats or munch on potato chips; No, you clear those things away and gather for yourself nourishing vegetables, fruits, lean meats and water. Additionally, you don’t sit and wait for weight to drop off — you get moving: you get busy and exercise or go for walks. You track your progress with a scale or measuring tape. And, better yet, you get a partner to join you: someone to whom you are accountable. You’ve already proven your ‘self’ is not a good accountability partner. Sadly.

So, also with computer addition. You make no provision for the flesh — and, believe me, while simply unplugging may seem like a good solution, it’s not a real solution. It may stop the activity for that length of time, but it wouldn’t necessarily get to the heart of the matter. In this, I encourage you (and myself) to begin with acknowledgement and prayer. Face the truth, look square into the face of the matter and then set up accountability. This provides the place to “confess your faults one to another.” (read James 5.16) That’s a powerful verse — the third part of it tells us that the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. Did you catch the fervent part? This is no small problem – computer addiction; thus there’s no casual solution. Fervency in prayer! You won’t be fervent in prayer until you grapple with the problem and grasp its gravity.

Here’s a net-net for you. Make a break — a clean break — you will survive and so will the masses.

Recommit. Reconnect. Re-create. Restore.

You see? There are many REasons for facing and tackling online addiction. But then… you’ll never know until you stop…

Next time, something of a new track to run on.

Make no provision for the flesh

Lots of times, when a story is told, readers are left wondering: what happened? This is especially true when specific or pertinent details are intentionally omitted (especially when the topic is of a more sensitive nature or where others are involved and wouldn’t be well served by the telling).

But this blog entry is just a continuation of writings of the last few days — and this one’s a long entry. If I give details here (or in the last two entries), I’d ask your kindness and lack of adding insult to injury. This has been a pretty candid recounting of the most painful (relationship-wise) era of my life. The fallout occasionally reminds me the woods were deep — but I cannot describe the freedom, the blessing and the gracious, loving work of the Lord in and through it all.

So, the title of the entry: Make no provision for the flesh… this comes from Romans 13.14 ” But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.”

Essentially, it’s a three part verse that would do well to be broken into three messages. But, for the sake of brevity, I’ll share with you tonight that not making provision for the flesh is to not fulfill the lusts of our flesh — that types out so easily and is so easily said… but I believe that, in and of ourselves it is not possible. But! It is possible as we put on the Lord Jesus Christ. In the flesh we will fulfill the lusts of the flesh — in the Spirit we will (with the Spirit’s enabling) resist the lusts of the flesh. It may be a moment by moment resistance, but the Spirit will enable us to obey as we yield ourselves to His leading.

This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.
For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh:
and these are contrary the one to the other:
so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.
For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption;
but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
Galatians 5.16-17; 6.8

When I started a diet, I prayed for a number of days prior to starting the diet — I didn’t want to do it and yet I needed to do it; there was no question that I needed to do it. My planned thoughts were willing, my sane-mind was willing but my flesh was not willing to give up whatever I wanted to eat — especially caffé mochas every morning. And mid-morning. I know, I know… don’t judge. ;o) I was not willing to do what I knew I must do. So, I prayed and confessed to the Lord that my spirit was willing but my flesh was weak — I confessed as sin my over-indulgence and tendency to mindlessly do/eat whatever I wanted.

Make no provision for the flesh. Make. no. provision. for. the. flesh. Make no provision for the flesh. It’s a a decision; it’s a resolve: it’s a command. Have you ever thought of it that way when you’ve read it in the Word? Or, have you been like me — sort of taking it as a good suggestion. Sort of the hot tip for the day.

I took time to pray, wait and prepare before I began this diet. But when I gave my husband my computer a couple of years ago, I wasn’t all prayed up and ready. And yet, I was ready. I knew it was right. So, the making no provision for the flesh there was pretty easy. And, for quite a while it was easy. And then it wasn’t. It wasn’t easy when I was selfish or embarrassed that I’d let myself get carried away each day, stopping at the counter in the kitchen to just read one thing, look up another, browse this or that. That shame was used of the Lord to help me get my priorities back on track. And the recalling all the things I hadn’t taken the time to do, make, create, etc., bcz I was too distracted by whatever was on the computer… well, that sorrow was multiplied and used as well. It continues to be used to this day.

Those first weeks, my husband printed my necessary letters and brought them down to me. Because I had gone “no mail” for several years on email lists and because I knew I couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t want to wreck my progress, I didn’t seek computer time of my own — I was content with his decision and happy at all that was being accomplished. I didn’t know what was going on in the news — and, strangely, I didn’t care. I stayed busy — I worked hard in our home all day long. I dedicated myself to what I knew I had neglected. You know what one of the biggest helps was? It was a simple request my husband made… and it was this: When you go gather up the laundry to do each morning, don’t negatively comment that the towels are on the floor again or that this or that wasn’t in the hamper — just graciously gather and take care of the laundry. I knew he was right and it was right to serve them… it was right to be sweet to them all. It’s what I thought, it’s what I’d taught! and it’s all I ultimately wanted to be! And… may I say, that from that day to this, I’ve done most all the laundry — and gladly so — and rarely have I made a comment about the amount, location or condition of the laundry. To be candid, I have occasionally reminded them that I’d be coming up to gather the laundry in a short while. They noticed — it’s now pretty rare for me to mention it. And with ten kids here, there’s a lot of laundry every day. That cheerfulness for serving, preparing breakfasts every morning and setting daily and weekly goals helped me to get, and stay, on track.

When this recent diet began, I had to make not provision for the flesh and that meant I had to have a plan of attack on the flesh — I had to make advance plans for the flesh — to get the flesh to comply with the plan. I had to target the things I would and wouldn’t eat. Eliminating butter-sugar-flour has its great dietary advantages, but for a snacky-foodie, no butter-sugar-flour (or any combination thereof) is practically torture — unless the prayerfully set goals are kept in mind. Water, planning and lots of busy-ness — O, and daily entries on the weight chart are very motivating. The delight for an Americano each morning is a bonus — or a concession — I guess. When I’m, cooking for the family I first cut up a few carrots into coins and a pepper or snap-peas and put them in a dish by the stove/sink. When cooking, there’s a tremendous temptation for me to snack and taste everything and so my appeasement for the flesh is the dish of crunchy vegetables. Make no provision for the flesh, I remind myself.

Some time passed by… and I had the use of my computer again. Initially, after a couple of months — for a half hour each day. My husband wisely chose this to demonstrate there was really no need to be on the computer everyday whenever I wanted to be and the world got along fine without my commentary, without my reading each devotional online or checking Facebook — or writing much here. The make no provision for the flesh included not working off-line either. Later, a little more leeway was extended. By this time I was too busy in our home doing what I ought to have been doing all along — working alongside each child — talking with them more, listening to them more, doing things for them more and being more all here instead of partially here mentally. As this project or experiment has continued and reworked and finetuned, My husband has been so gracious and gentle with me — I share this with you in hopes that you may find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone if you need to make some dramatic changes in your life to “get your home back in order.” And, additionally, if you’re like me, you probably don’t even realize that your home/family isn’t the dearest and highest priority it ought to be when you spend too much time online doing good things! Writing good things, reading good things!

The best things are better than good things. I’ve had to redouble my efforts to make sure I don’t lapse back into doing good things and thus get distracted and sidetracked into neglecting the best things.

If you’re seeking to make changes… pray. Seek the Lord, He is already there. Commit your way to Him and He will direct your path.

Things happen; and life goes on.

I thought I’d sort of continue on from where I left off yesterday (and then life goes on). Things happen; usually a bunch of things have to happen in order to arrest our attention – unless someone yells, Fire! or someone comes in bloody or the phone rings in the middle of the night. Those things get out attention.

Unfortunately, there are a whole bunch of other things happening (and not happening) that don’t get out attention — at least not until some crisis happens. Even then, we may address the interruption and move on… never seeing — really seeing — what’s going on. Thus, the damage being done by too much computer/electronic device games or text messaging is not so easy to see (harder to admit). Things happen, though, and we see them if we would break away long enough to listen and if we’d stop long enough to see. Just take a look around — anywhere — everywhere — you’ll see distracted individuals all connected and disconnected at the same time.

Things happen; and life goes on. Here’s where I hope, today, to be of some help. When things happen that bring us to our day of reckoning, we might foolishly focus on the day of reckoning instead of on the “things happening” and we might wallow in our despair over what we think we’ve lost instead of the damage our actions (or inaction) caused. On the first day of the greatest sorrow we’d ever faced, my husband asked me for my computer — and as I’ve written in the past (here) you know that I humbly and gladly did so. I recall thinking: Anything! Anything at this point, I will do it. I knew. I didn’t need to be asked twice and I didn’t need an explanation — nor did I give one. I knew. My days of being overly distracted by the computer had culminated in a breach of attention to my home and resulted in a deep time of sorrow, chastening and redemption.

Time and space do not allow for recounting of the marvels and miracles the Lord showed and did on my behalf and on the behalf of my family. In the 97 days one of our daughters was away, in the near death experience of our missionary son, in the loss of friendships and in the division of our home church, God worked deeply, powerfully, tenderly, painfully and lovingly. I cannot blame, nor do I seek to blame, anyone or anything… but this I know: what the devil intended for evil, God is working for good.

The life goes on part is this: When we face trials and temptations, we can be assured of these very things: God is working all things together for our good and His glory and “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” –1Cor 10.13

The days I thought I could not bear: passed. They passed by and underneath were the loving Arms. They way of escape? A humble and contrite heart seeking faithful obedience. Period. I don’t know how else to explain the outpouring of grace in those dark days (and these). When we seek Him, He is faithful and just to hear our prayers — and though the consequences may continue on (and be ugly!), you can rely on this: God is and will be at work as time goes on. He is the restorer of the breach — He truly is! He is the lover of our souls — He truly is! And every son [daughter] He loves, He chastens — ouch, He truly does!

So then what? What’s after a big fall? I learned a valuable truth about God in the earthquake, the wind and the storm — the Lord taught me this at the time and then later during a study of 1Kings. It’s what I most longed for — then and now — the still small voice of the LORD. “.

And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD.
And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
1 Kings 19.11-12

After the fire: the still small voice — and isn’t that the sweetest .

Next: (part 3-ish) Make no provision for the flesh.

And then life goes on.

In the midst of a transition, it’s really hard sometimes to see that things are ever going to change — be any different — than they are today. It’s hard to see past today sometimes. Well, actually, it’s hard to see past the moment sometimes. I’ve found this to be true so many times — and, like most things that happen to me, I learn that they are, or have been, happening to others as well. Trouble is, most of the time, we’re too isolated (or proud) to confess where we are or what we’ve done — especially if it’s not pretty.

So I thought I’d write a chapter — it’ll actually be two — on a couple of things. First, I’d like to share more with you about life after computer addiction and then I’ll write a bit on life after rejection. You’ll see how they’re related — as are most things — and how after the crash or the event or the trial or the test… life goes on. So, the thing happens: And then life goes on.

As you’ve perhaps read, a number of years ago I began to have glimpses that things weren’t right here in River City (or in my life, rather). I was spending too much time on the computer — so much so, that I didn’t even realize it after awhile. You can read about my computer addiction here and here and here. So addicted was I that I had moved from the wonderment phase, to the thrill of the newness phase, right on past the excitement at receiving mail, friendship and keepers-at-home-camaraderie phase, past the I want to do this phase… right on to (and past) the I need to do this phase.

Well, back to the point… At the time of the great crash of my life that led to the sobering reality that I was an internet addict, I sincerely didn’t see how I was going to get past that time — that grueling, painful, humbling time. But I did — though not alone and not without some personal anguish and occasional resentment. The resentment didn’t come right away — bcz, sincerely, I knew I needed to squarely face my behaviour and decisions — I knew my husband was right — I knew my children were right and I knew I was wrong to have spent so much time reading, browsing, creating, writing, corresponding, researching. Every now and then the resentful thoughts slipped into my mind: I ought to be able to use the computer, this is important, I’m a mother, I need to know different things… yada, yada, yada. As you’ve heard me say many times, one of the greatest enemies of best things is good things. Many good things. And there are really and truly so many good things to read, see and do on the computer/internet. But what I hadn’t filtered was the fact that *I* didn’t need to be doing all/many/most of them and I certainly didn’t need to use the precious time I had in the way I was using it. I know that, now.

One of the greatest things — among many — that I’ve learned is that God is the God of now — He deals with us where we are and leads us where He wants us to go if (and that’s a big if) we will yield ourselves to Him and He isn’t caught up in the feelings of a matter or the fears of a matter. He seeks my life, He draws me to Himself and He carries me through. And along the way He shows Himself strong on my behalf. The minutes of obedience become hours and the hours become days and the days become weeks and so on. Do you see what I mean? God’s concern for me is eternal and His plans are eternal but He lovingly guides my footsteps and as I yield to Him, taking His Hand to trust in His guidance, He does make a way for me to pass through. So when I thought I’d never make it or when I thought I’d never live through those days, He proved Himself strong on my behalf. He demonstrated His love by the presence of His Holy Spirit.

Now, that’s not to say that the year was smooth sailing — I missed a lot of cues and bumbled my way through. And, as I mentioned, my thoughts weren’t always what they should’ve been. But, deep down, I knew at the time — and I know it much better now — God was clearly in control. Eventually, a year passed by and now another year has passed and, to my deepest regret, I am beginning to get a glimpse of the high price I was willing to pay to be online. And now it’s not so much how am I going to get through this? as much as it is, Lord help me never again waste the time, resources and gifts You’ve given me. Life after computer addiction is sweeter — sweeter bcz the squeeze out was so hard and the price so precious. The lessons I’ve learned I immeasurably valuable to me and I pray to use what I’ve learned to inspire others to measure the time and price being paid to be online without strict barriers.

When a mother’s face is to the screen, her back is to her home and children, and then life goes on.