Internet Addiction

And then life goes on.

In the midst of a transition, it’s really hard sometimes to see that things are ever going to change — be any different — than they are today. It’s hard to see past today sometimes. Well, actually, it’s hard to see past the moment sometimes. I’ve found this to be true so many times — and, like most things that happen to me, I learn that they are, or have been, happening to others as well. Trouble is, most of the time, we’re too isolated (or proud) to confess where we are or what we’ve done — especially if it’s not pretty.

So I thought I’d write a chapter — it’ll actually be two — on a couple of things. First, I’d like to share more with you about life after computer addiction and then I’ll write a bit on life after rejection. You’ll see how they’re related — as are most things — and how after the crash or the event or the trial or the test… life goes on. So, the thing happens: And then life goes on.

As you’ve perhaps read, a number of years ago I began to have glimpses that things weren’t right here in River City (or in my life, rather). I was spending too much time on the computer — so much so, that I didn’t even realize it after awhile. You can read about my computer addiction here and here and here. So addicted was I that I had moved from the wonderment phase, to the thrill of the newness phase, right on past the excitement at receiving mail, friendship and keepers-at-home-camaraderie phase, past the I want to do this phase… right on to (and past) the I need to do this phase.

Well, back to the point… At the time of the great crash of my life that led to the sobering reality that I was an internet addict, I sincerely didn’t see how I was going to get past that time — that grueling, painful, humbling time. But I did — though not alone and not without some personal anguish and occasional resentment. The resentment didn’t come right away — bcz, sincerely, I knew I needed to squarely face my behaviour and decisions — I knew my husband was right — I knew my children were right and I knew I was wrong to have spent so much time reading, browsing, creating, writing, corresponding, researching. Every now and then the resentful thoughts slipped into my mind: I ought to be able to use the computer, this is important, I’m a mother, I need to know different things… yada, yada, yada. As you’ve heard me say many times, one of the greatest enemies of best things is good things. Many good things. And there are really and truly so many good things to read, see and do on the computer/internet. But what I hadn’t filtered was the fact that *I* didn’t need to be doing all/many/most of them and I certainly didn’t need to use the precious time I had in the way I was using it. I know that, now.

One of the greatest things — among many — that I’ve learned is that God is the God of now — He deals with us where we are and leads us where He wants us to go if (and that’s a big if) we will yield ourselves to Him and He isn’t caught up in the feelings of a matter or the fears of a matter. He seeks my life, He draws me to Himself and He carries me through. And along the way He shows Himself strong on my behalf. The minutes of obedience become hours and the hours become days and the days become weeks and so on. Do you see what I mean? God’s concern for me is eternal and His plans are eternal but He lovingly guides my footsteps and as I yield to Him, taking His Hand to trust in His guidance, He does make a way for me to pass through. So when I thought I’d never make it or when I thought I’d never live through those days, He proved Himself strong on my behalf. He demonstrated His love by the presence of His Holy Spirit.

Now, that’s not to say that the year was smooth sailing — I missed a lot of cues and bumbled my way through. And, as I mentioned, my thoughts weren’t always what they should’ve been. But, deep down, I knew at the time — and I know it much better now — God was clearly in control. Eventually, a year passed by and now another year has passed and, to my deepest regret, I am beginning to get a glimpse of the high price I was willing to pay to be online. And now it’s not so much how am I going to get through this? as much as it is, Lord help me never again waste the time, resources and gifts You’ve given me. Life after computer addiction is sweeter — sweeter bcz the squeeze out was so hard and the price so precious. The lessons I’ve learned I immeasurably valuable to me and I pray to use what I’ve learned to inspire others to measure the time and price being paid to be online without strict barriers.

When a mother’s face is to the screen, her back is to her home and children, and then life goes on.

Captivated

You know I’ve written about internet addition… e-mail… group list mail addiction… AOL… Geocities… One-List… eGroups… screen addiction… information addiction… whatever could be looked up… early on: Ask Jeeves. Bling. Ask him… ask him anything. Then Yahoo, then Google… click, click, click… Bling. You’ve got mail… Bling! Click, click, click… Blogs! Bling! Facebook. Bling! Pinterest. Bling!

I write what I’m learning… I share what I see, what I experience, what God is teaching me. You know; through a series of trials, disappointments and losses I was presented face to face with the reality that I was/am an internet addict. By the grace of God and through the love of my husband, I had to face this reality and, after some time had passed, learn to make changes — and when it was obvious I could not be self governing, I had to have boundaries — literal restrictions — placed on my computer. Like a drug addict, I am powerless over media. And… like a drug addict, I didn’t realize what was going on around me, nor did I realize I was causing others to resent me — the time I was spending online and the time I was not spending with them. And guess what the fruit of this was/is? Yes… in many ways, family and friends addicted to media. That is not sweet fruit.

So… I implore you today. Get fences. Get restrictions on your media. Get pruned. Get staked. Learn to live within the boundaries so that you will be more fruitful, more fragrant, more productive… You’ll see. And you’ll be amazed.

Two years ago, when I handed my computer to my husband, I knew I had to come to grips with internet addiction/family hurts and my walk with the LORD. Then, months later, when I had worked through and walked through where I was, what I’d done and what I needed to do: my one hour’s use per day almost seemed like a worse prison than no computer use per day… but that time was actually a school of prayer and more repentance, more revelation of what had happened (and why it happened) and what needed to happen. What I thought was a punishment was a blessing. What I thought was too hard was actually a marvelous mercy. What I thought was too restrictive has become my greatest freedom.

Now, as in this little window of allocated/measured time, I have freedom — permission — blessing — to use this computer and I can choose to use the time to browse, listen to sermons, to research, to read/write devotionals, blogs, connect with my children and friends… bcz I’m in step with the plan for my days. It’s freeing. This humbling limitation has given me so much assurance and freedom.

It’s joked about sometimes around here — this restriction — and it reminds me of people’s comments to me early on when we only had one vehicle for many years and my husband was gone all day. I could walk to the store for my groceries — returning with what could be carried or hung on the stroller. It was freeing to me to not “run around” in the car — to plan my days and outings, to live within those boundaries. I didn’t always know it and probably couldn’t appreciate it. But I know and appreciate it now. These things affirm to me that God never wastes a thread.

Graciously interrupted

I consider things for which I want to be remembered in life. Obviously, as a believer, I want to be remembered as a godly woman, I want to be remembered as a faithful wife and a loving mother. I most want this to be observed by my husband and family — from my bathrobe behaviour to my apron work behaviour to my garden clothes behaviour to my dress and jacket behaviour. Regardless my outward adornment, my activity or accomplishment or present company, I desire to be in behaviour that from the heart becomes godliness.

That’s my prayer, my aim, my path.

A natural result or expression of godliness is graciousness. I want to be remembered as gracious — Proverbs 11.16 says, “A gracious woman retains honour…”

Though graciousness is demonstrated in many ways, one of the ways I want most to develop and improve graciousness is in my response to interruptions. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit as it’s an area I’ve needed to continually revisit, revise and improve through the years. I’ve come to conclude that if there’s one thing a mother needs to learn, it is the skill of being gracious while being interrupted — retaining honour in the midst of an interruption.

Not until I was a mother did I realize how selfish I am/could be — it wasn’t until tasks were interrupted or put off, sleep was interrupted or until health or strength waned did I realize I was so self-centered. It was, ironically, a wake up call for me. Then came all the other changes and experiences that life brings. Along the way I would come to understand biblical submission, more of motherhood and serving others. Interruptions. Interruptions. Interruptions.

Through a series of events, I would come to understand the importance of flexibility, of scheduling, of forbearance, of service and, ultimately, graciousness. Training came in unlikely forms for me: the late nights, accidents, sickness, soccer practice, piano lessons and reminders to practice, lost jackets and torn seams. These would serve to prepare me for unexpected car troubles, financial strains, hospital emergencies, deaths and other life experiences and inevitable surprises. I’ve come to see that everyone goes through most or all of these same “interruptions” — difference is, do they go through them graciously? Do I?

Interestingly, I’ve found that emergencies don’t feel like interruptions — at. the. time. — because they are, after all, emergencies. Sort of like getting hit broadside in an intersection. A heart attack. A call from the hospital: “hurry and meet me here.” You don’t plan for it or anticipate it — so it doesn’t really interrupt you. At the time. In those sorts of scenarios, you don’t stop and think: this sure is an interruption — and many of those sorts of things, we never look back and call them an interruption.

It’s most often little things… that’s what I’m referring to: the little, insignificant interruptions to your day, schedule or plans.

You make dinner and either everyone’s late or no one comes home or everyone’s home and a few bring friends… you planned for a few and now you have many. You’re planning a day of housekeeping and mending — suddenly someone needs something you consider to be insignificant — but it’s not insignificant to them — your plans are thwarted. A wonderful book, a Bible, a study, an article beckons to be read, a squabble upstairs interrupts your thoughts. You sweep, mop and wax the floor… muddy shoes mar the shine. Small things. You have time to react… time to think. You finish all the laundry… only to discover a few loads’ worth in various and sundry places. Empty milk jug in the fridge. One more blog to read. Empty tissue roll on the dispenser. One more dish to wash. You’re exhausted, your teen needs to talk. You’re on your way to the Sunday meeting, the car won’t start. You’ve just bathed, towels on the floor, none clean on the shelf.

You have time to react… time to think.

One after another, interruptions seem to flow through the river of your life… is your response gracious? Is the Lord apparently at the helm? Is the day bathed in promises and covered in prayer?

It’s in the little things… it’s in the big things… it’s in the emergencies… it’s in the mundane: I want to be found to be graciously interrupted.

Living Long

Living long. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I’ve been wondering to my self: what would I be doing today if I had been living long for the last thirty-some-odd years? What would I have accomplished or done differently had I been living long all these years of marriage and motherhood?

This train of thought is the sort of along the same track of thinking as the question: How would God have used me (or my life) had my whole life been yielded to Him? Where would I be today if my whole life had been yielded to Him?

So, living LONG — I don’t necessarily mean focusing on living a long life, or working at attaining a long life, but rather, living in such a manner as to daily consider the ramifications of decisions, consequences of choosing to do or not do something because of long term effects or results.

Thinking long means weighing decisions more carefully – choosing plans, activities, actions wisely and with forethought instead of simply thinking now – living in the moment – carried away in carefree living. O, there’s a place for spontaneity and light-hearted fun — but living spontaneously often has significant drawbacks and consequences.

Thinking long, changes the way we live – changes our daily living. Thinking long changes what we purchase, things we acquire, how we spend our time – and who we spend it with. Thinking long might mean that we choose to invest in something today — missing out on things we’d “rather” do or buy — because experience has taught us the consequences of neglect or inaction.

So you can see why I am mulling this over – a lot – these days. A couple more birthdays have passed in our family — milestones have been reached — time is passing so swiftly and my list of was going to do’s is much greater than my list of have done’s.

I could very easily talk my way out of these reflections – excuse my way out of the consequences or realities. I could (and with a measure of solid justification) explain away the lack of accomplishment, the lack of discipline or skill or whatever. But the truth is, much of the time throughout my motherhood years I’ve not had long thinking — I’ve not intended to live long — I’ve not keep an eternal perspective as a garland over my days or as a path for my feet.

Caught up in the dailies — and you know the dailies are *so* daily — in many areas, I’ve thought short. In many ways, I’ve lived short. In many instances, I’ve planned short. Instead of thinking LONG — I’ve thought TODAY. Instead of investing LONG — I’ve covered TODAY.

Now, at the risk of seeming to back-peddle, I do want to say that by the mercy of God, there are and have been many things — many times — many decisions that were made for the sole purpose of future benefit, future reaping, future provision. The consequences of not doing things one way or doing them one way have been strong motivators in mothering and training the children. Governed by “she will do him good and not evil *all* the days of her life” has been an extremely powerful and important “force” in my life.

I’ve sought to determine to live according to God’s Word — it’s governed my thoughts, decisions and actions… much of my life — but what about the times when that determination has waned or wavered? And what about all those times I thought short instead of long? What if, by faith, I had lived long? What if I, by faith, had not wavered when I chose temporal things instead of eternal things?

What if, by faith, I daily had a long or future perspective when making purchases, spending time, loving my husband, teaching our children, keeping our home, planting and gardening, reading books, watching movies, talking with family or friends, making plans…

By the grace of God, I’m determining to live long while He gives me life.

The Thing About Blogs

You know how you read that “lead in” sometimes? The thing about _______ is_______. Well, I’m seeing disclaimers or comments about bloggers and/or blogging more and more frequently.

So, I thought I’d write today a bit about blogging — or if I may be so bold, bloggers. It seems that every blogger, now and then, writes a post about why they blog or why they’re not blogging — apologizing for not doing so and explaining how life’s gotten in the way.

So, here’s mine. I blogged for a number of years — pretty much every day or so, early on. I, too, thought life got in the way of blogging when I wasn’t able to blog. I apologized for it from time to time. But last year, right about this time, a very sobering reality hit me over the head like a ton of rocks.

The reality was that blogging had gotten in the way of life — not the other way around. Blogging, reading, researching — reading, reading, reading — looking, looking, looking at stuff everywhere online got in the way of living. It got in the way of real learning and it got in the way of real loving. And so, today I can genuinely say: The thing about blogging is that it’s filled with unintended consequences.

From the beginning, I wanted to be a good blogger. I wanted to both inform and entertain, encourage and inspire. I still want those things. But I want them to be products of inspiration not compulsion. And so, when I blog, you’ll know it’s inspiration and not compulsion. Though I just might occasionally feel compelled to write something. ~wink~

Bloggers often feel a measure of guilt for not living up to a preconceived notion that blog writers have an obligation to produce something witty and informative every morning. There’s this unspoken expectation that bloggers be at once fascinating and creative while writing blogs that appeal to the masses. Every blogger soon discovers that one cannot possibly do that — at least not for more than a week.

Better blogs have enough personal anecdotes to fulfill readers’ desire for authenticity and personal identification — but enough generalization to assure anonymity of the blog subjects. People want to identify with or see themselves in blogs — so long as no one else does.

Then there’s the great skill of mixing reality and humility, a bit of sorrow, a bit of humour — with a bit of cheeky cynicism thrown in to add spice. In the end, all these are integral to a really good blog. Trouble is, most of us are too busy living to spend enough time blogging to be that good.

for the woman in the mirror

Facing the woman in the mirror… and getting her to do what she ought: O, what a challenge, sometimes!! I know this. I know this painfully well.

And so… I want to share with you some things you might do to help the woman in the mirror. Don’t “muddle” through life… there is help and there is hope.Your tomorrows do not have to be like your yesterdays.

I’ve sometimes thought, with dread, that things will never change. I’ve sometimes thought, again with dread, that I will never change… that I will never get a handle on this or that struggle.Every now and then, when things seem to be going swell — it seems that all of a sudden, like a strong gust of wind or a wave: personal failures flow over me — accusations level me, fear grips me, other people’s opinions blast me. In such times, I’m once again faced with the strong, overwhelming thought: I will never get past this. You know, God is not the author of such a thought – the devil is the author of such a thought!! Experience has taught me that in such times, I need to face the trial, attack, guilt, fear, etc., etc., and ask what part do I have in it? What does the LORD want me to do? And then I must yield to whatever He leads. No matter how daunting it may seem — or how humbling.

If you’re facing troubles, dilemmas, trials, hurts, hopelessness, fear or whatever… You may need to make some dramatic changes. You may need to set or reset some boundaries. You may need to completely change how you’re currently handling things. — your thoughts, your self-talk, your schedule, your computer time, your reading materials, your food, your exercise, your conversations, etc., etc. You’ll probably need help implementing changes.

PRAY!! Talk with the LORD. Talk with your husband, talk with a trusted friend. PRAY!! Study the Word *and* journal your studies! Study up on the problem you’re dealing with, get help — don’t go it alone — you need to be careful to not get in a trap of defeat, of hopelessness, of worthlessness, etc. If people have let you down or if situations are troubling you or if you’re facing depression… talk these things over with your husband and/or trusted friend. Trust the Lord with all these things.

If there are things in your life, patterns of living, etc., that don’t bring glory to God or honour to your husband and family — confess those things as sin and repent of those things . Set your mind to CHANGE THOSE THINGS. Get off that path a day at a time, a step at a time.

Make a list of things you need to do. Add to that list the things you want to do. Arrange that list into a daily routine. Print that list out and follow it. Everyday: consult the list in the morning, check off the things you accomplish and review what’s left to do; set about doing them at the first opportunity. Determine to not be deterred from doing what you know the Lord has called you to do. Others may do things differently, others may mock you, the enemy may mock you, others may question what you’re doing – you may even be or feel rejected… but if the Lord has called you to do something, do it heartily – as unto Him.

Do good things: good things for your husband, good things for your family, good things for you. Doing good will require sacrifice and will likely require repentance. Doing good may be painful or even lonely at first. Whatever the “good” is that you’re called to do, you can be assured if the LORD has directed it, He *will* supply for you.

If the Lord is speaking to your heart today — touching on things that need to go or things that need to be done or changed — TODAY is the day to take your first step of obedience to the Lord and yield to His call on your life. Today is the day of salvation. Today is the day to start doing the things you know you ought to do. Follow the Lord today.

Seek the LORD — seek wisdom.
You will find Him and you will find peace and joy.
Things might not seem to change right away.
Things might take time to set in order.
Your life will not always be the same as it is today;
There will be another chapter.

The Lord will work all these things together for good.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
Lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and
He will make your path straight.

Just like an extra hot grandé mocha… the addiction starts a sip at a time. And you don’t even know it. You don’t even realize the cost — just like that steaming cup of coffee — it’s so smooth, so gradual – so available, so everywhere, so chíc. An isolated instance — not a big deal; not a great expense — not initially.

Sometimes when I hear the rumble of the caffé steamer I think of the early days of the internet connection tone — choooooooooooo, clang, clang, clang, clang – chooooooooooooooooo, click: Welcome, You’ve Got Mail!

Life’s going on – you think maybe everyone out there has a friend and you wish you had one, too. Everyone out there is doing something great and you wish you were, too. Everyone out there has people cheering them on, telling them the latest news, showing them the latest trends — everyone knows the latest stuff — everyone’s so awesome — well, everyone except: the lonely, living in a crowd, Mrs. All Alone.

O, sure, she had her husband, her Bible studies, her home — she had some friends, she had her family, she had a few hobbies, she had radio Bible programs and talkshows, she had cassettes and study books and Gentle Spirit magazine, but she still felt lonely — oftentimes pretty unimportant. She didn’t have a television or VCR – and almost never went to the theaters.

And then along came the computer — initially only used for business, she realized the great value and ease of using the computer for writing homeschool assignments or women’s retreat talks and keeping other “documents.”

And then… what’s this? What’s this new adventure? E-mail?!?!? Letters without paper, envelopes, stamps or days between writing and receiving mail!?!?! In the beginning, few of her friends indulged in the new method of communication. And if they did, in the early days e-mail notes were short – almost cryptic. Brevity was sort of the protocol. Rare and brief. Initially.

So, Mrs. All Alone began to explore the vast possibilities available to her at her fingertips! Voilà! She decided to look up “key words” that best described her life: She clicked Ask Jeeves. And instantly he answered with gusto! Here you go. Look at that: links to things she liked — though in those days there were relatively few websites for homemaking, Bible studies, Titus 2 & Proverbs 31 topics. Unbeknownst to Mrs. All Alone, she was embarking on a journey that would soon swallow her up. She didn’t even realize that, just like the one sip at a time Sbx addiction, one click at a time, she was sealing her fate.

Those were the days before Amazon or Wikipedia or Myspace or Facebook. Long before blogs (gasp!), Twitter and Skype — even before Gooooooooogle became a verb. Those were the days before Starbucks and espresso stands dotted every corner in Snohomish county. With the advent of internet bulletin boards, lists and groups, Mrs. All Alone could, with just a few clicks, instantly become: Mrs. You’ve got Friends! Friends all over the world. Just like that.

In a matter of minutes Mrs. All Alone has 10, 20, 650 girlfriends expressing the very things she’s been feeling, dealing with or experiencing as a stay-at-home mother of many – yet feeling unheard, unknown, unappreciated, unqualified, unremembered, unremarkable and sometimes unloved — all alone in the world.

She couldn’t wait to log into the computer! Each day, much to her amazed delight, her email (then: “e-mail”) inbox was flooded with letters from friends, sisters in the Lord — other mothers of many. Mrs. All Alone quickly became Mrs. Alone No-More. For now she had friends — understanding friends — likeminded friends. Hundreds of them — all over the world — women (and unfortunately men who posed as women – but that’s a story for another time) who shared common interests in faith, biblical studies, home and family, marriage and faith. Some actually became genuine friends.

Mrs. Alone No-More read all she could, wrote all she could, researched all she could — lost in time as she read and wrote articles and letters. She soon realized she might be able to help other women — by pointing them to a collection of many Good Things so they didn’t trip over the bad things on the Net. A new vocabulary: ” justa sec” and “justa minute” dotted her conversations in the kitchen. It was a great time of learning and application — but somewhere along the way it all got out of balance.

Many years passed. Though many good things were happening, just a few minutes here, just a few more minutes there, time was passing — seasons were passing. Going along, working alone… on studies, articles, news, letters, webpages, blogging etc. A new kind of alone… a distracted alone, a missing in action alone. Life was going on all around her, but so addicted to good things — so many good things — time was evaporating, years were passing — she didn’t even realize just how distracted she was.

And then came the day of reckoning.

(part two: The Day of Reckoning… later)

There’s a whole bunch to say…

And I’m trying to consider how I’ll succinctly say each day what I’d like to share with you. I began blogging some seven years ago and I like to write – I like to encourage and offer hope and inspiration to mothers at home. I love talking about marriage, motherhood, homemaking, homekeeping and walking with the Lord. I love to share slices of life and views of the day. I tend to get wordy at times. I tend to have strong opinions, etc., etc. If you’re offended by all this, please find other great blogs to read — there are too many great blogs out there for you waste your time here reading things that might perturb you.

So anyway, much time was spent writing and reviewing sites, gathering and posting articles, recommending sites and products. Good things… so many good things. But somewhere along the way I lost my way – I lost my personal vision and huge responsibility first as the mother of many children and I began to coast — but I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize I’d wandered a bit from my first calling: my husband, our home, my walk, leading our children by allowing my time and attention to be gobbled up by computer, website and internet time… trivial pursuits by comparison to the very real responsibilities of my life. You know what I mean perhaps – for perhaps you’ve had your own!!

Pursuing good things is truly the enemy of pursuing best things.

Good things are not always the best things.

Doing good does not necessarily mean you’re doing well.
Or right.

We had a great family sorrow — a sudden and sad crisis, if you will, which led to deep introspection, endless conversations and much personal evaluation (and reevaluation), personal examination (and reexamination). In the end, one of the things I knew I had to do was to hand over my computer to my husband for a time so that I could get my priorities straight — so that I could reorganize my life, my priorities and revisit / rekindle the purposes for which the Lord created me.

So, here I am today… so wishing I could tell you all I’ve come to understand in the last several months, the culmination of all the sweet hours in the Word, in writing and in fellowship with the LORD — the things I’ve learned, the things I regret, the sorrow, the joy, the pain, the rejoicing. And for one thing, more than ever, I realize why, 11 years ago, we chose a web name: welcome home.

If you’re just joining me and know nothing of what I’m talking about or even if you’ve been a reader for some time, I pray to be an encouragement to you, to not waste your time, but to point you to the Saviour. In the course of my writing, I hope you’ll see Jesus in spite of this cracked pot. I hope you’ll see glimpses of His hand in daily living. Whether or not you’re a new reader of my blog or A Christian Home website, I just want to say: welcome home.