Well… about that lingering conversation, I thought I’d add a few lines.
I know there will come a time when I stop writing about our current “lingering conversation.” I know we’ll likely move on to other things. But I write about them — and whatever else I write about — for lots of different reasons. Mostly, I just don’t want to forget – and I know I will forget some of the small details of these days. Blogging’s sort of therapeutic for me. I don’t want to forget what God’s taught me, how He’s worked in these days, what’s going on and what I think of it all these days. I blog so that I will have a place to recall… I blog so that maybe someone else will be encouraged with things that have encouraged me. There’s a risk involved in sharing the personal details of life and I know that. There’s probably as much a risk of being understood as being misunderstood. There’s a risk to being transparent, but this is who I am… and this where I share slices of my life, and maybe something I write might help someone else too. So… I blog.
Wes had an appointment with the cardiologist today. It’s been a few weeks since we saw her and so we went through a time of sort of dialogging questions and answers. She gave Wes strong assurances that he could go back to normal work and any activities… even training for a marathon. We glanced at one another and smiled.
True story: On the way to the doc’s office, Wes said he wanted to ask what he would be free to do, what are his limitations, etc. and then said, ” It’s not like I am going to train for a marathon or anything like that… I just want to be able to do whatever the day requires.” ~smile~
So she answered Wes’s questions and gave strong rationale for the prescribing of each of the meds he is taking. And even humoured him when he questioned the validity of some of the rationales for the meds. But he agreed to take them – and to continue taking them. What was interesting to me was her favourable comments regarding some of the things he had begun taking (fish oil, green food, red yeast rice) and in particular: red yeast rice. She said there were many studies showing very favourable results from taking red yeast rice. And she went on to share some benefits. (Our sincere thanks to Kelli for her studying up on heart stuff – and more – for us!)
I had suggested to Wes that he not eat b’fast just in case they wanted to do some tests. When he was told they’d need some lab work, they asked if he had eaten yet today. O, so glad he hadn’t! He hasn’t gotten the lab results from the ekg or blood work but it seems quite certain that had there been a problem he’d have heard about it.
So we left the office… with sort of glad sense of relief… sort of with a sense of new resolve: now we go on. We needed this – or we needed what we’ve learned from this. And it’s one of those bittersweets… you know, one of those things you come to terms with and as the doctor said this morning, it’s a time of mourning the loss of “where you thought you were and what you thought you had.”
I’ve gotten to the place where I am thankful… and I can see I needed these lessons. I very much needed them. It was as if I was given a gift that day in the hospital as I waited for him in surgery. I remember sitting in a waiting room in that same hospital ten years ago when Wes cut up his hand in a skilsaw and underwent several hours of reconstructive surgery… I remember the lessons learned at that time and how God demonstrated His merciful lovingkindness and abundant provision for me/us.
Well… so now I needed to learn new lessons… not lessons so much about God’s faithful provision and physical restoration and His protection of my husband as I needed to meet his mortality. Now I may well still go before he does, but I needed to come to grips with the fact there will be an end. And I needed to affirm that I know that I know that I know God is sovereign. I knew it… I’ve known it… but I needed to know it in this matter of love and life and my love’s life. I needed to come to grips with the fact that God’s way in the life and eventual death of my husband is perfect.
I will praise thee, O LORD,
with my whole heart;
I will shew forth all thy marvellous works.