Womanhood – The Welcome Home

the power of communication

newglasses1 Regardless the circumstance, the importance and power of good communication cannot be understated. The impact of either good or bad, clear or muddled, distinct or vague communication is powerful. Think of a time recently when something you said or did was misunderstood by another person; or consider the last time you misunderstood what was communicated to you. How’d that go for you? What were the consequences?

I’m sharing with you part of a talk I gave last night at our monthly TitusTwo meeting. As I go along through the years, I’m so grateful for these opportunities to share (and learn!!!) as the Lord gives me different messages stemming from quiet times, things I’m going through, or from passages I’m reading in the Scriptures.

Colossians 4 is loaded with messages and benefits — especially regarding the many facets of communication. It begins with the Apostle Paul communicating proper ways of treating others, matters concerning prayer, walking in wisdom, redeeming the time. Each verse contains a message, or two, I think. But what really caught my attention, in the section of verses I was reading, is verse 6: “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer every man.”

Effective communication is the lifeblood of relationships. And, conversely, poor communication is a destroyer of relationships. I think some things we really must keep in mind regardless the circumstance or conversation are these five points:

What’s directly said
What’s inferred
What’s meant
What’s heard
How what’s heard is interpreted by the hearer

With those basic points as the framework, imagine the benefit and the blessing of speech that’s always grounded in grace or focused on grace or hemmed in grace? And, to be sure, it’s not a matter of the old saying: “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” Don’t get caught in that trap — a manipulative statement or question said sweetly or cleverly is still a manipulative statement or question. And another old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is a lie. Words can hurt. Words can destroy. That’s where that saying, “Loose lips sink ships,” holds a lot of water.

When we concentrate on having our speech be always with grace, we demonstrate we have high regard for our hearer in mind. What we’re saying, what we’re inferring and what we’re meaning is our side or our part of the communication — whatever grace there is in that depends on the importance we’ve placed on it. The other side of the communication depends on the other person: what’s heard and how what is heard is being interpreted by the other person–the hearer. This is why it’s such a useful practice or habit to seek feedback or to replay what you think you’ve just heard the other person say. Going a step further, it’s also useful to clarify the meaning behind what’s said. This is especially useful or important when discussing some serious matters or making serious decisions.

I shared last night with the ladies in the group how my husband had misunderstood a statement I’d made some weeks ago. After talking about the situation again at another time, I realized that I could’ve been clearer or elaborated on what I’d been thinking but was trying to communicate a point with some brevity that first time. I know, that’s hard for me. ~wink~ When my husband clarified what he thought I meant by what I said, I was able to tell him what I really meant. Isn’t it interesting how many misunderstandings would either never come to be in the first place or could be instantly clarified by simply restating back what we think the other person said or what we think the other person meant. We could save ourselves so much time and so much emotion if we’d just employ this simple process. It’s stilted at first, to be sure, when you begin to practice this communication clarification tool, but it’s a tool really worth learning to use and to personalize depending the situation.

Well, that verse in Colossians continues on with another critical aspect of our speech: that it be seasoned with salt that we may know how we ought to answer every man.

Think of delicious soup or any food, really, it’s usually the addition of salt that makes it so tasty! And, it’s what makes you want more! That, and it makes you thirsty! Now, think back on one of your recent conversations. Were your words seasoned with salt? Did you know how you ought to answer? Was your conversation satisfying? That’s some great food for thought, isn’t it?!

Salt’s an interesting thing when you think of all it does–not only is it savory, it’s a preservative. So, regarding conversation or communication, you might think: is it pure? is it clean? is it true? is it sincere? Think of some opposites — these might clarify for us a bit better if our communication is gracious and seasoned with salt or not: is it impure? is it unclean? is it empty (salt lost its savour, as in Mark 9.50)? is it corrupt? Ephesians 4.29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearers.”

This is sobering, isn’t it. Bcz it’s pretty easy to fall into poor or derogatory communication, maligning, or ungracious speech. All of these different thoughts have caused me to question or mentally review recent days’ conversations: Were they always with grace? Was my speech seasoned with salt? Did my words point to my Saviour or to the Word? Did I draw others to Christ or give them a taste of heavenly things?

Keeping Up

teacuppamela I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately… you know, keeping up. Not the Keeping up with the Joneses sort of keeping up, but the staying strong and keeping up with the times sort of keeping up. It’s been going on for awhile, but I hadn’t noticed it so much in the last few years as much as I have recently.

On a recent trip down to SeaTac airport, there was some questioning who’d drive and who’d stay home. I volunteered to drive and as I was driving and the miles were passing… maybe it was mile-marker 14 or so, I mulled over the thought that I wondered am I going the right way — or will I miss my turn-off? Then I thought, O, that’s absurd, I go down to the airport at least once a month, if not more. Then I got to thinking, there sure have been a lot of changes to the Bellevue skyline and in the number of cars on the road. And I felt old. Music was playing… I hadn’t pushed any of the buttons (preset to stations I didn’t even know) and I noted that everyone in the vehicle was using some sort of device… listening, talking, texting… texting… texting. And somewhere along the way, I thought: Omy, I really must work at keeping up. A few minutes later, arriving at the departure gates, my daughter said I ought to go in and that she’d drive the van around; go ahead, mama, go ahead, I’ve got it.

Eventually I obliged and got out… still thinking, still feeling old, still thinking I need to keep up, I thought: Yes, you’ve got it; I used to have it and now I feel like I don’t. And time seemed to stand still for a moment as I waited with the others for the passengers to deplane. A bit later, as we made our way home, I commented to the driver, I need to keep driving sometimes — I need to stay sharp, I need to keep up.

She smiled and said, don’t worry, I don’t mind driving. And I thought, me neither. She doesn’t know I need to drive. She doesn’t know I need to keep up.

memories…

teacuppamela A few months ago, our son married his sweetheart and it seemed that those days brought about as many tears as they did smiles as we remembered — over and over again — days gone by. I’ve been thinking about that recently as I’ve been daily thinking of things for which to be thankful over the last thirty-five years. I’ve been overwhelmed with thankfulness to the Lord for my husband and for the blessings — the heaps of blessings thirty-five years have brought us. It’s amazing how many memories have come to mind — and possibly more amazing is that I cannot recall so many things that I’m sure were extremely significant at the time. It’s as if the flood of events and experiences have sort of washed over so many of them that most of them have been covered over — buried under the more significant events and experiences. Nevertheless, perhaps one day, I’ll be rocking in my chair and will remember things the way they were. I got to thinking of a song that was popular around the time of our wedding… and the words reminded me to remember the laughter… and the way we were…

Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me – Would we? Could we?

Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

Things aren’t as ___ .

Hey… how’s your day going? Anybody ask you that yet today? What’s going on in the theater of your mind today? I hope you’ll be encouraged on many levels today.

I can’t pinpoint the thing that drew me to remembering this today — to humming this song (The “Sunscreen” song… a piece attributed to Baz Luhrman that he used by permission, originally written by Mary Schmich). If it’s too loud, turn down your speakers… the intent here is not to blare some rappy tune but I hope a few of these life-experience tidbits of advice might be of some encouragement to you. The thought that things aren’t always as they seem keeps running through my mind today.

Truly, the longer I live, the more I see blatantly, that things aren’t always as _____ as they seem. You know, the bleak, sad, hard, difficult, long, terrible, fat, earth-shattering… whatever things. It’s hard to remember this sometimes, though, isn’t it?!? It’s not until we look at the big picture or the bigger picture that we gain a bit of perspective. And, ultimately, it’s not until we look at God’s picture — His design — His character — His purposes — His promises — that we gain proper perspective. Regardless our circumstances. It only takes a moment of looking back, looking around or looking in the Word to see that our thoughts or perspectives or circumstances are not the only thing going on, not the worst thing happening — or, not the most important thing occurring. Everybody’s got stuff going on — everyone’s facing challenges or a lot of whatever. Everyone’s got questions, a bombardment of opinions, decisions, thoughts. Everyone’s dealing with something. And, to be sure, it’s not in a song, a philosophy, a regimen or in whatever or wherever else we might try to find peace and truth. It really is in the Person of Jesus Christ and in His life and the marvelous Truth of His Word we find all we need for life. But, in life, when we most need to seek answers, when we most need help we often least ask for, see or accept it.

It is always there…

2Timothy 3.16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:.
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Lies Women Believe

I’ve been working through a workbook to a book I read a number of years ago — Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s Lies Women Believe and now, the corresponding workbook. I’ll be writing more on this. So, I’ve been rereading some things I read years ago and marveled that I’m still dealing with several of the same struggles. Interestingly, it’s part of what’s gotten me to work on habits, thought patterns and more. I’d been wanting to work through/eliminate the struggles, but it’s always too daunting to revisit painful areas of life or, realizing how little progress I’ve made and the why’s behind the what’s happening now in some of my thoughts and reactions to things makes resolutions difficult. But one thing I’m continually reminded of is the great fact that when things aren’t going right or my thoughts and reactions aren’t right, they can usually be traced back to a lie I’ve believed or something I’ve not recognized as a lie — but a lie nonetheless: something contrary to what God says. Thus, when struggles come, there’s a decision that must be made at that juncture: Am I going to fall into the lie? Am I going to entertain the lie (about myself or about my situation or about someone else)? Or, am I going to ask: What does God say about this — what has God done about this — What is true here? Again, troubles and temptations we face can usually be traced back to a lie we’ve believed. And our next actions need to be based on Truth — or we’ll repeat the same sin spiral.

I viewed some of Nancy’s clips and then came across this one with Jennifer Rothschild and thought it might be helpful to someone today — now, some of this breaks down and there could be some argument as to some aspects of the points, so I encourage grace here so that the Truths can be understood and some freedom realized. I took notes and posted them below the clip for you:

Here’s a mini recap:
Lie #1: Who I am and what I struggle with is the same thing.
I am my weakness. My struggle identifies me – my weakness defines me. Your struggle is not what defines you, it’s what God can use to refine you. We are not the culmination of what we’ve failed at… who we are is a reflection of God’s strength in our weakness. Who you are is not what you struggle with. Who you are is who God says you are.

Lie #2: Who I am and What I do is the same thing.
You are not a human doing – you are a human being. Our identity is not what we do, it’s who He says we are. It’s a lie to base our identity upon what we do — we must base our identity on what God says; His Word never changes.

Lie #3: Who I am is not good enough.
When we live with a Performance driven mentality, rather than a Provision driven mentality, we’ll inevitably feel like what we do is not good enough, because we don’t always perform perfectly and we make the mistake of associating our performance with what makes us acceptable. And that’s not true. But when we live with a Provision driven mentality, we recognize that what God has performed on our behalf or what He’s provided is always acceptable.

So, here’s Jennifer’s advice, are you believing lies? check out your behaviour…. it reveals what you believe. Look in the New Testament — seek all the I AM statements about Jesus. See who He is. Make the connection: How does His life, His identity impact your life, impact your identity and how does that impact your belief system and therefore, your behaviour.

Opportunities Come and Go

I mull over this phrase from time to time as I consider the many opportunities I’ve had, the many opportunities I’ve botched and the many opportunities I’ve either missed or passed up through the years. The missed and passed up opportunities have probably hounded me as much or more than the opportunities I’ve botched. Usually, but not always, I’ve had or take a second opportunity to repair or at least attempt to make up for that botched opportunity and usually (but not always) things have turned out okay. But still, it’s those occasions I missed or passed up — those opportunities are the ones I most regret. It’s probably bcz I’ll never know what could have come out of what should have been. But then… even as I share this I know this flies in the face of my strongly held belief that God is, indeed, sovereign. It is in these times I could be labeled a Calarminian. :-S I know God is sovereign and what will be will be — it’s just that I can’t ever seem to be fully reconciled to that fact in the face of missed or ~~rejected~~ passed up opportunities.

For example: I may botch up talking with someone about the Lord — I may get all intense or neglect to be succinct or whatever and come away feeling like I really messed up that opportunity to share the gospel, to draw someone into conversation and prayerfully into the kingdom. But then I must consider that faith is of the Lord, and that person’s redemption is of the Lord — though He does use cracked pots to pour out His message of salvation and redemption.

My missed opportunities or passed up opportunities have been those times, though I may not have recognized it at the time, when I clearly had the grace of God to do this or that thing and I frittered away the time or I didn’t make a call or I made the wrong call or I thought my way of handling a situation would suffice or whatever… and an opportunity to do good, to help, to encourage, to correct, to confess an offense or whatever was missed or lost.

I can’t go back and recreate those opportunities — but I can seek to correct losses and offenses and as I do so, I must leave the results to the Lord and then I can use those missed or passed up opportunities to prompt me the next time such an opportunity arises, presents itself or even seems to be present. God is mercifully helping me through the years in His loving kindness, all my missteps, my failings, miscommunications, misunderstandings, resentment, fears, regrets, losses, etc., etc., to watch — really watch — for opportunities and seek to not miss them. All these problems, especially in the last couple of years, have surely taught me that opportunities come and go — good ones and difficult ones, and it’s really imperative to daily be in the Word, to daily be in prayer, to keep short accounts and, perhaps above all, to seek God’s will and direction for each of the opportunities He brings my way.

This phrase continually comes to mind: “God does not call the equipped, He equips the called.” So, that being understood, as responsibilities go, I know that mine is to watch and receive, His is to present and provide, mine is to obey, His is to guide, mine is to be willing , His is to be filling, mine is to be poured out, His is to be glorified.

Opportunities come and go… O, that I would be found faithful in them.

In Christ I am…

Facing and ‘fessing

I’ve been thinking of you and am praying that God is blessing you in your home today. I’m sure I’m not alone in the busyness of life or that there’s been more day than the day can hold sometimes. So I’m [still!] wondering how to do more in less time or how to make sure that each day I do what counts the most. And, I’ve had to face up and fess up to the fact that some days it’s not so much that there’s so much to do but that I’ve been focusing on the wrong things — allowing the unnecessary to override the necessary and allowing the frivolous to obscure the imperatives.

So, what are the imperatives? What things must I focus on each day or to what must I strive to attend to and what things have I been sacrificing in the squandering of the days? These are hard questions – or maybe the questions aren’t hard, but the conviction is hard to face and fess up to. Maybe you have things you need to face and fess up. This “fessing-up” is quite a freeing exercise. In fact, it’s so freeing, it’s a wonder we don’t delight in doing it more often. But, while it’s freeing, it’s also sometimes painful –painful because we will likely have discomfort as we make changes, painful because we’ll likely be embarrassed over our behaviour, and painful because of what’s lost and can never be retrieved. O, this doesn’t negate the marvelous work and redemption the LORD can bring to a situation or even a life, but in reality, time squandered is still time lost.

When we discover there’s a problem in our home and we want to get to the bottom of it, we might ask one or more of the children: what did you do? We might ask: who did this? Invariably, no one wants to fess up to the wrongdoing. None of us want to admit that we’ve either done or been wrong. But the incredible thing is that when we do fess up, there is a freedom –a sweet peace washes over us and we’re clean before the LORD. Our children experience this same freedom when they “fess-up” to the transgression—even if they face a discipline for it. Whether or not there is restitution made or a consequence to be paid, the freedom is sweet and the restored confidence is precious when they face and fess up to a transgression. It’s that way for us, too, before the LORD.

I’ve had to “fess-up” to squandering time, to wasting the gifts and talents the LORD has given me, to giving my attention to those things that are only temporal and have little eternal value or worth. I’ve had to ask myself again: What would I think if I walked in (as a stranger who heard that the mother in this home was an aspiring Titus 2 woman) and browsed through this home unattended?” Or, “Would my husband’s customers be satisfied with his work were he to work in the same manner that I do in our home?”

I keep these questions sort of simmering on the back burner to keep myself in check.

Probably the most difficult areas for me regard necessary sleep and computer time. These, along with food preparation are areas that can’t be avoided, put off or ignored. Since they’re needful or are beneficial, they can also be neglected or “abused.” In the examples I’ve given, discipline is required and I fall into that abyss of often doing what I want rather than what I ought to do. To rise early requires an earlier retiring at night – to be refreshed requires adequate sleep. My flesh fights against that. In addition, losing weight requires no snacking. My flesh fights against that. Limiting computer time means less browsing, less reading, less “justa minute’s” and less entertainment. My flesh fights against that. Instead of yielding to the truth of what I know is right, I find ways to justify what I want to do rather than what I ought to do. So I have to set and live within boundaries… the boundaries that come from times of facing and ‘fessing up. These are disciplines and though we may not want disciplines in our lives, it is through discipline that we put aside the things of the flesh and yield to the things of the Spirit.

These thoughts come from spending a bit of time in Romans 6 and 7. I would encourage the reading of these chapters and then ask the LORD to reveal to you areas that you, too, might face and fess up to. Maybe you have some areas of your life that need facing and ‘fessing up. I pray that as you do, you will see that the LORD is already there and you have all you need. He is your all in all.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
1John 1.9

May you always be blessed.

Moonless Trust

There are times when nothing soothes or encourages me quite like the writings of women who’ve journeyed with the Lord a long while and have traveled paths paved by those who’ve forsaken all and have followed Christ to “the ends of the earth” literally or when they’ve come to the end of themselves and pressed on in faith.

This devotional was a great blessing to me as I consider the living sacrifice or both women’s lives — Elisabeth Elliot’s and Amy Carmichael’s. So, it is with great respect and gratitude to the Lord that I share this piece with you.

Moonless Trust – by Elisabeth Elliot

Some of you are perhaps feeling that you are voyaging just now on a moonless sea. Uncertainty surrounds you. There seem to be no signs to follow. Perhaps you feel about to be engulfed by loneliness. There is no one to whom you can speak of your need.

Amy Carmichael wrote of such a feeling when, as a missionary of twenty-six, she had to leave Japan because of poor health, then travel to China for recuperation, but then realized God was telling her to go to Ceylon. (All this preceded her going to India, where she stayed for fifty-three years.) I have on my desk her original handwritten letter of August 25, 1894, as she was en route to Colombo. “All along, let us remember, we are not asked to understand, but simply to obey…. On July 28, Saturday, I sailed. We had to come on board on Friday night, and just as the tender (a small boat) where were the dear friends who had come to say goodbye was moving off, and the chill of loneliness shivered through me, like a warm love-clasp came the long-loved lines–‘And only Heaven is better than to walk with Christ at midnight, over moonless seas.’ I couldn’t feel frightened then. Praise Him for the moonless seas–all the better the opportunity for proving Him to be indeed the El Shaddai, ‘the God who is Enough.”‘

Let me add my own word of witness to hers and to that of the tens of thousands who have learned that He is indeed Enough. He is not all we would ask for (if we were honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the Lord has become my Light.”

May you always be blessed.

What’s a mother to do?

Dear Sister,
First, I want to thank you for writing — for it is in acknowledging our condition and in seeing our need that we can best affirm and apply, by the grace of God, the help or teaching we receive.

Second, though this may not be helpful, you’re not alone and your situation or your “dilemma” is not unusual. The devil may attempt to tell you otherwise, but what you’ve written is common to women who both come home from the “work-force” *and* who’ve been trained otherwise. The “trained otherwise” is the main problem — not the new daily routine of being home and not out of the home. That will be the easy part once you accept the calling and seek to define and live it. You will define it as you go — and you will live it as you define it.

The “it” is the high calling of being a keeper at home… the main tree of motherhood. Incidentally, motherhood doesn’t relegate a woman to never leaving the home or never having “outside” work — there are likely seasons where one or both of these will happen — but it is my understanding that the season of child birthing, nurturing and training necessitates that mothers stay home to heed the calling the Lord has placed on her life and carry out and do these things. Radical feminists will argue the point. But I will continue to defend the Scriptures that call a mother to be a keeper at home, to love her husband and her children, to be discreet, sober, good, chaste, obedient to her husband — seeking all of these — that the Word of God be not blasphemed.

Psalm 113.9 He maketh the barren woman to keep house,
and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.

As to the question of not knowing what to do. Here’s an exercise that might be helpful for you. It will take you some time, so you might print this off so you can address it when time allows. Here is the exercise:

List all the outcomes you desire (so far as it depends on you) for your life?
What kind woman do you want to be remembered as being?
As for your walk with the Lord, how do you see that worked out in your daily life?
How can you work these attributes into your daily life? What do you need to implement?
As for your behaviour and character what specific qualities to you most highly value?
As a wife? As a mother? As a companion?
What sort of atmosphere do you seek as a description of your home?
The appearance of your home? The flow and routine of your homelife?

You may never have had the instruction to be a “godly woman” or a “keeper at home” or a “homemaker” or a “mother.” But I think you might agree that you do have an idea what this looks like or a dream of what it might be like. That’s what I’m asking you to consider — that’s what I’m asking you to ponder as you go through the days ahead. Yes, you may not know what to do – exactly – today, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any idea. You may not know the paints, the colours, the hues, the brushes and blades used in painting a portrait, but you’ve seen the portrait or, at least, you’ve imagined it.

Yes, you may have been “instructed otherwise ” and, therefore, you need to spend some time reevaluating, rethinking, reorganizing your thoughts about motherhood and keeping a home — that’s what that “exercise” above is meant to address. You may be mourning the loss of time — the robbing of your time and purpose as a wife and mother. Don’t let the devil deceive you that it’s too late. If you’re still living, it’s not too late. Don’t ever forget that. The devil will deceive you to believe otherwise.

That crafty devil’s playbook is very thin — he doesn’t possess many tools or ideas — so he plays them over and over and over again. The longer you live, the more you’ll see this.

May you always be blessed.