Category: my story

A prayer for Mothers of Prodigals

teacuppamela.pngI remember the night our son left home… I was nursing a newborn baby, the fragrance of the milky breath and tender cheeks and snuggly baby clothes was intoxicating. And as I sat holding that baby close to my heart, another ‘baby’ was walking out the door and I thought at that moment I would die. Maybe I even wished it would be so.

I had never known a deeper grief and a more paralyzing moment of despair. It was a strange mix of failure, disappointment, loss, hopelessness, regret, shame, remorse, shock, doubt, frustration, and sadness all wrapped up in a blanket — memories I still seemed to hold in my arms, yet the baby was no longer a baby – he was a young man – eager to seek his own way.

Time passed and as time has a way of doing, so did a lot of those feelings or, rather, their intensity lessened over time. And I more completely accepted responsibility that the initial shock had masked. Initially, I wondered, what in the world had I done or not done to deserve that or to have that happen. But time had a way of revealing things that I had blindly missed. And, thankfully, time sort of softens the rough edges and the jagged memories. A bit. Not quite a bit, but a bit, nonetheless.

Night after night as I would lie down in my bed and watch the memories play on the ceiling in the dark — my eyes hot with tears… and tears rolling down my face and into my ears, I would wonder how to make things right, how to correct the host of wrongs and the poor decisions. Night after night, season after season… the same thing. At first, I would practically jump when the phone would ring. I didn’t jump with delight, but with fear. Instantly that ring would trigger a wave of fear and dread. But my fears were not realized and my tears did not result in joy. But fears and tears turned to prayers through the years. Time softened my heart – revealed my failings and developed compassion for that prodigal son.

I would love to have had the next sentence read:

“And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father.”

And then, I wish I could tell you that Wes, seeing the son: “…when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.”

And then I wish I could tell you here that at that moment: “…the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.”

And that Wes’s response was: “Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.”

And if any of our other children possibly felt jealous of all the loving attention, that Wes had said to all of them: ” Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound. ” And if any were resentful – which I fully believe they would NOT be, that it would be said of Wes: “… therefore came his father out, and intreated him [them]…” And that he would continue reasoning: “Son [and family…], thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.”

(This, from Luke 15. 13-32)

All of that did not happen here, yet.  But what I can say is this: There has never been a day where that son escaped the gaze or notice of the LORD and there has never been a day from that day to this that God was not sovereign, that He did not work or did not provide or did not watch over that son or this family. There has never been a time where the will and way of the LORD was not done.

And for that reason, while I no longer grieve in the outward manner I did, I no longer cry or worry in the same manner I did, there has never been a day where I did not have hope in the LORD for that son. For the LORD is faithful; and in Him I will yet hope more and more. I used to pray the LORD would do whatever it took to draw that son back to Himself.

I now pray: Lord, will You carry my boy in Your arms and will You be tender to him as you have been to me? Will you draw Him back to Yourself and bless Him – and if You bless him even half as much as You have blessed me, well then, even the ocean could not contain the blessings… for I know the love of God is stretched from sky to sky. And I pray, Lord, will You please go easy on the boy? I love him and I pray You will give him many days to give You great glory.

My prayer for mothers of prodigals… “Lord, will You carry these tender hearts and comfort and help them to see You, to seek You and to trust You. Lord will You comfort them in their distress and give them hope that can only be realized in knowing You. And, Lord, will You keep Your eye on that child that his life will not end in shambles but in giving You glory. Thank You, Lord, that You are only wise, only faithful, only good – and we praise You.”

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10 mistakes

teacuppamela.pngI’m sort of stuck in neutral here – or am still drinking a cup of tea and mulling over Cindy’s ongoing blog entries and numerous(!!) comments from thoughtful readers. The original post was the springboard for a couple of my entries here and likely a few more. Now, from (her blog) was “Older Mothers of the World Unite,” which led to “Calling All Moms for Real Advice,” and then, today’s “Disciplining Children.” I don’t know of anything that gets women talking more than the multifaceted topic of discipline/child-training/pregnancy. Well, maybe… wifely submission. O, and dresses. Well, okay, and feminism.

And, after a comment I received here last night, I started thinking… not about what I hate to see younger moms doing but sort of in response that letter, I thought, well, what would I tell a young mom were my biggest mistakes? Or, rather, instead of sharing what I think is right, maybe I’d share some stuff I discovered along the way – some of my mistakes – and there’s not a top ten bcz, actually, mistakes, like sin, cannot be qualified or quantified exactly. Some things I thought were biggies – big mistakes – were actually not as big as I thought they were and a few things I didn’t think were all that bad were actually quite devastating. But I learned from them – or am learning from them.

So, here are some mistakes – ten of ’em.

1. Chocolate Hazelnut decaf Stash tea.
2. Chopped walnuts in pumpkin-pie filling.
3. Not closing the car door properly after grocery shopping.
4. Getting a dog from the pound.
5. Buying an old, valuable antique sofa that just needed to be recovered (it had plastic legs – I discovered later) .
6. Allowing cream of wheat to dry on the highchair tray.
7. Not keeping nail-polish on a high shelf.
8. Vacuuming up powdered sugar.
9. Allowing a teen-age son to help me keep the very squeaky back door oiled with WD-40 so that it opened and closed quietly for me.
10. Confusing or thinking that outward obedience was synonymous with inward submission.

So there you go… ten mistakes of the many I have made. It may seem I made light of mistakes – I have a tendency to use humour to share -but not gloss over- things I have learned.

In that list, that last one is or was one of the most serious and painful mistakes I/we have ever made. Now, I must interject here that I did then and do now believe that God is, indeed, sovereign and that He allows and works all things together for good — for my good and for my children’s good.

There was a period of time where we so sought to have our children following the Lord and obeying His Word that we were looking for homeschooling materials and methods to better help us accomplish that. We were willing to do anything – whatever it took – to train them up to be obedient, to be faithful, to be exemplary in character and in deed.  It was, character first! to us, we were diligent to study – diligent to serve – diligent to strive for ‘mastery’ in education and skills. We consider that period of time to have been exceedingly valuable to us and is still benefiting us today. And you know why? Because we learned a very painful lesson about inward and outward discipline and appearance – and that we have a critically important job as parents to be sure of our children’s hearts and actions and we need to love each one of them in the way they, individually, need to be loved and nurtured. We learned some painful lessons about law and grace. We learned some very, very important lessons about virtual reality and literal reality – that seems isn’t the same as is. We learned that sometimes love is tough.

And so that is why, for me, one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made is looking on outward obedience and assuming sincere inward submission – both to God and to parents.

Now, that’s not the end of the story… because, God, being the loving, faithful, compassionate, merciful and gracious God that He is, could not – did not – leave us there. But He took us from there and has been leading us along the way through these many years. The squeaky back door? Well, that was ten years ago. It was a very important part of my life story – my/our parenting story – and God’s demonstration of faithful intervention on my behalf. You see, had I/we not had a wayward child, I/we might have been erroneously under the notion that *I* was/we were responsible for all the good things they were, are or did; I would, today, be an unbearable pharisee. I know, I know, to some I am unbearable – pharisee or no.

But just as I needed to learn what I learned in the valley after my husband’s recent heart attack, so also I needed to learn what I learned in the valley of being the mother of a prodigal. I love and appreciate my husband in ways I never have before and I love and appreciate my children in ways I couldn’t prior to having a prodigal and learning the invaluable lessons I learned. I do not wish for either of those two experiences for any other woman – but from those and other life experiences, I hope to encourage those who may never face them, those who have faced them or those who are in the midst of facing them. For, as I have said many times, sorrow skips no home and God wastes no thread.

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