Two precious sons were born to us before the Lord gifted us all with this great treasure — this inestimable gift. I’m ever mindful that without her, I’d never have made it through. I’m blessed by this–I’m humbled by this. So very humbled by the grace of God in my life and the gift of her life.
In the early days, I’d never have been able to consider or imagine that one day I’d sort of trade places with her—but that’s pretty much what’s happened. I’ve received more from her than I’ve ever given. I’d learned more from her more than I’ve ever taught her. I’ve seen more through her eyes than I’ve ever seen with my own. She’s given me intangible gifts and favours I could never repay.
Not knowing I was carrying a girl baby, I tucked that name away in my heart.
I realize the great measure of responsibility I allowed her, gave her, called on her to carry. I’ve leaned on her strong shoulders as long as I can remember. In our family, after her were born eight more children and what originally began as cute help, sweet holding, playing with and doting over each next baby — being mama’s little helper over the years sort of grew into or transformed into being a right hand for me. I picture it this way, since I’m left handed, she literally became my right hand. I didn’t intend it, plan it or order it that way, it just happened. I’m sure there were many spectators who thought she did too much for me, had too many responsibilities or whatever, I don’t know—I just know she was ever at my side, ever asking what she could do or ever making up games, projects, crafts, and recipes for the littles. And I let her. It didn’t occur to me that things could’ve/should’ve been done differently—that she carried so much responsibility. I asked so much of her. Regarding all that, I don’t know if I’d do anything much differently if I could have a “do-over” today. Maybe I just can’t actually analyze and think of what should have been done differently in the early years.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a gazillion regrets. O man, do I ever. In these later years I regret my distractions, my internet addiction in the early days of webdesign, being overloaded with trying to be good enough/enough-enough. I regret that I didn’t transition well from being mother/guide/helper to mother/encourager/friend. I guess I was scared to let her grow up—to go—but I’ve sincerely had no reason to be. She never gave me cause to fear her growing up, it was all in my own head and a whole bunch of legalistic ideals that I could not/cannot live up to. I sometimes wish I could go back change a lot of that—and be more affirming, more encouraging — more available to her. I’ve learned so much from failings, regretting ever failing her. It’s humbling, really. Especially when I see all she is today — the faithful, trustworthy, capable, dependable, loyal, industrious, creative person she is — the blessing she is everywhere she goes. I pray for more opportunities to add to and carry out all I’ve learned. More opportunities to demonstrate or reciprocate all she’s done for me—by God’s grace, for God’s precious Kathryn Grace.