CSA Fallout

Still drinking from my saucer ’cause my cup’s overflowed.  And, in light of the horrific tragedy that’s befallen Japan, I want to say what I’ve written today is in no way meant to make light of that whole situation.  Just wanted to make those comments before I continue writing today’s blog entry.

I want to write some more chapters in my CSA mini-series.  I’ve dealt with the results, the  unintended consequences or the results of sexualabuse through the years and here and there a thought or reaction will come up.  It’s always unexpected, always surprising — but always there.  CSA is always so right-around-the-corner.  It’s always so right there.  This is one reality only CSA survivors really understand.  The reason I say this is the number of times I’ve heard (myself or from others) that was a long time ago, get over it.  Can’t you get over it?

The CSA survivor wants to say, yes; the CSA survivor  wants to think, yes; the CSA survivor wants to believe, yes.  She may even think she has gotten over it.  Then the fallout.  The fallout comes in many forms – thoughts, dreams, rage, fear, panic — default reactions to situations that come up.  Fallout.

World English Dictionary
fallout (ˈfɔːlˌaʊt)

— n
1. the descent of solid material in the atmosphere onto the earth, esp of radioactive material following a nuclear explosion
2. any solid particles that so descend
3. informal side-effects; secondary consequences

— vb
4. informal to quarrel or disagree
5. ( intr ) to happen or occur
6. military to leave a parade or disciplinary formation

Fallout.  The unintended consequences the perpetrator leaves in the life of the sexuallyabused child.  After the explosion of CSA, the particles have been blown so far and wide that the magnitude of the “fallout” may not be seen for a long, long time.   O, there’s enough initial fallout to change that life, but the deeper consequences might not be seen (or understood) for a long time – those secondary consequences.

If you’re a CSA survivor, you’ll get this — maybe you haven’t until now. But after you read some of these examples, maybe you’ll have  some ah-ha moments – maybe some pieces will finally “come together” and you’ll connect the dots between things that don’t ever seem to make sense. Maybe you struggle with reality.  Maybe you struggle with relationships.  Maybe truth.  Maybe trust.  Dot. dot. dot.

Maybe you’re saying: Wow, that’s me, I’m so all those things.  Maybe those are some of the dots in your life.  For me, I call these dots with no connections: Bridges to Nowhere.  I’ll be going along and suddenly there’s a bridge to nowhere in my thinking, reaction or emotion — a situation comes up, a relationship issue presents itself, a thought comes to mind and suddenly there’s nowhere to go.  No solutions, no trust, no natural or appropriate emotion.   Emotional disconnects.  Bridges to nowhere.  Fallout.  An emotional bridge to nowhere.  Fallout.

I know I began asking questions when different things didn’t ever seem to connect.  Why do I do this or why do I always think that?   Compulsive about some things, indifferent about others.  Disconnects.

There are lots of “disorders” or labels for these behaviours or reactions.   Such disorders as: Depersonalization disorder,  Attachment disorder,  post-traumatic stress syndrome — just to name a few.  I think when we finally muster the courage to tell our story, to tell the truth, to risk being vulnerable enough to tell what happened, we begin to travel on the road of healing.  Telling on our abuser might happen first and then down the road we  finally admit the need for help, and  then get determined  to ask for it, we can finally begin experiencing healing and understanding.

We come to a turning point when we can admit or acknowledge we have a problem or problems with our responses to things/people/situations.  It’s then that we can resolve to make changes — to let the LORD work His work in us — to heal us as we yield to His work and redemption.

Connecting bridges to nowhere.

Over the years I’ve been so blessed to have the husband I have.  I believe God sweetly and mercifully gave me the husband He did.  He’s the one who will help me when the bridges to nowhere seem so  true and the nowhere seems so real — the one who helps me connect the dots, so to speak.

Truth.  I think that’s the most important matter for adult survivors of CSA — to face truth.  Determine to think truth.  Determine to perceive truth.  Determine to believe truth.  Determine to live truth.  Determine to trust truth.  These are big.  These are big dots.  I’ve come to understand and believe these are sort of the  imperatives for “survival.”  Over and over again deceit will creep in — and deceit is a big creep!  Deceit will convince you to believe things you would, ordinarily, absolutely reject as false — but in that weak moment you give in and believe the lies.

Thus, rejecting lies becomes, or must become, one of the highest priorities for  me (or for  other women) to survive the fallout of CSA.  Is this true?  Is this what the Bible tells me?  Is this from the LORD?  Is this what the Lord says/thinks about me?  Is this God’s clear plan for me?   If the answer to any of those questions is ever, No, then I have to act on my resolve to answer/react with Truth.

Emotional bridges to nowhere need to become connected by, and to, truth.

I’ve made it my personal “mission” or pursuit to pick a Truth to stand on and, when faced with deceit, look for another Truth to connect to.  Eliminating the concepts “never” and “can’t” are imperative.   I must not say: I never do this right. I must not say: I can’t ever get past this. In faith, I can — through Christ alone who strengthens me: I can.  I can love, I can trust, I can hope, I can rest, I can commit to this or that thing or person.

CSA causes an explosion and that explosion that’s hugely impacting and produces great fallout.  Sometimes, years down the road, that fallout triggers seemingly unexplainable reactions — can an adult survivor of CSA overcome the fallout?   In faith, I trust so.  In Jesus, I believe so.