Tag: my story

Married for Keeps – The Treasure

[cp_dropcaps]M[/cp_dropcaps]ay the LORD be with you and bless you this day!  He is so gracious to us all and His mercies are new every morning.  I share this before I share my letter with you because I know that each time I share a letter on marriage, there are sisters whose hearts are breaking and the pain of marital difficulties weighs heavily on them.  So it is with this in mind that I write and pray to offer a bit of hope today.  What I’m sharing with you today is a message I wrote many years ago and have continued mulling over and continues to be the subject most dear to my heart and a main focus of ministry to women.

As I shared previously, at the beginning of each game of marbles, a circle was drawn in the dirt and the question was posed: “Are we playing for keeps, or are we just playing?”

You see, in marriage, it’s a lot like that and from the beginning, the ground rules or the foundation must be firmly in place and clearly defined.  In observing couples over the years, I’ve often noticed that some seem as though they’re just playing while others are clearly playing for keeps.  Some seem careless about the marbles in their bags… as if to disregard their value — while others cherish them knowing their worth is greater than all the finest jewels in the world.

As analogies often do, this analogy of marbles, games, and playing for keeps or just playing will break down quickly and perhaps lose the depth of meaning I’m intending to convey, but I ask you… are you married for keeps or are you just playing?  If your answer isn’t an affirmative: playing for keeps(!), then may I ask you again for a moment more of your time… another visit over a cup of tea and a prayer for resolve to do whatever it takes to get to the heart of your commitment and to see any fault lines or cracks in your foundation and for you to take a sincere look at what else you’ve got in the bag that you’re treasuring.  What might be competing or what might be distracting you?

As with most things, what you’ve got in your bag demonstrates what you treasure and what you’ve been willing to part with or what you’ve lost.  You’ve likely had some of both, but will hopefully come to see, value and cherish your treasures more as the years go by.

[cp_dropcaps]T[/cp_dropcaps]he Treasures… There’re numerous treasures—valuable marbles in the bag of one who’s “married for keeps.”   And for one who’s married for keeps, quickly discarding the worthless marbles or those things that will damage the treasures is paramount to the guarding of the treasures.  In addition to faith in the Lord Jesus, marbles worth keeping and guarding are trust, intimacy, hope and love. Others are: forgiveness, repentance, forgetfulness of wrongs, laughter, tenderness, respect, more intimacy and loyalty.  You see, all of these, if treasured and cherished, if guarded and kept polished, provide such strength and an unshakeable resolve to “play for keeps!”  If these aren’t kept carefully, then the marriage will be open to all sorts of assaults and distractions resulting in damage or loss of any or all of the foundational stones or “marbles.”

Perhaps you’ve noticed the interaction in different marriages.  Some, you’ve readily seen are played out sweetly with great precision as if every move is made with love and skillful intention; you might feel warmed by the loving respect you see displayed, the tender kindness you see demonstrated in even small, but thoughtful, things.  You might be inspired by the kindnesses and courtesies given.  You might be encouraged by the storms they’ve endured, the trials they’ve faced and suffered and the blessings they rehearse.  But then in others, you see right away the negligence and disregard; careless words that make you wince, disrespectful attitudes that make you cringe, lack of respect, etc.   The un-cherished treasure, the unloved gift—the bag of marbles spilling out — the pink cleary lost in the battle.  I ache when I see this—but I’m instructed to take a look at my current reality–where am I at the moment?

Because I’m keenly intent on the matter,  it’s an area of occasional spiritual attack and I’m so ashamed when I discover that I’ve not been gracious and loving to my husband, or that I’ve not cherished the treasure of the gift that he is.  I grieve when I hear a man belittle, shame or mock his wife or a woman’s careless disrespect for her husband’s abilities, opinions or plans.  It’s as if edification is for *others* but we allow a certain measure of leeway for our flaws or flexibility if we don’t feel like “playing by the rules” in our personal life or marriage that we might demand in others.

I shared with you last time that when I was a little girl playing marbles, I tried to play with intense skill and the determination of a professional as I’d guard that pretty “pink cleary” and I tried to never let it out of my site. Everyone knew it was my favourite as I rarely took it out of my little bag and played it only when I felt absolutely certain I’d not lose it.  So it ought to be with each of us and the husband the LORD’s given us:  each with our prized treasure: his hopes, his reputation, his home, his goals, his thoughts, his needs, his vulnerabilities, and his emotions—we ought to be so careful with these that we would do nothing to lose or damage them.

[cp_quote style=”quote_left_dark”]She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. —Proverbs 31.12[/cp_quote]”  All the days of her life.  Not when convenient, not just when others are observing, not when comfortable, but all the days of her life.  Doing good is *active* and intentional… laziness takes little effort, but doing good means taking initiative, being intentional and requires being resourceful.  Why?  Because sometimes we’ve got such a long way to go or feel there’s no good place to start that every move seems heavy and hopeless.  But with God, all things are possible and nothing is hopeless—with God.  That’s the key to being married for keeps: with God, all things are possible.

Today, a circle is drawn in the dirt… the take a look at the “bag” of the treasures of your life.  Is the bag intact?  What’s in your bag?  Have you cherished the treasures in your bag? Is the circle in the dirt very clear and visible? Have you sought to be diligent in caring for the things the LORD’s called you to care for?  Have you been careless with your treasures?  Have you neglected or mishandled the treasures of your marriage?  [cp_quote style=”quote_left_dark”]do the next right thing. [/cp_quote]Today—while it is still today, do the next right thing.  What have you neglected?  Respecting him?  Loving him?  Meeting his needs? Honouring him?  Building him up to your children?  Have you laughed *with* him or *at* him?   You see, the answers to these questions will give you a bit of a hint as to what next right thing is that you ought to do.   On your knees your answers will come — this is what I have found to be true: on my knees, the answers have come.

Married For Keeps

[cp_dropcaps]Y[/cp_dropcaps]ou know, some ways of the LORD are very easy to accept and then there’re times when His way is a bit more challenging and the price seems a bit higher, perhaps a price too steep for us to consent to give.  But, you know, in those times His mercy and grace seem greater.  These are the proving grounds, these are the testings of our faith.  I used to think that the testing of our faith was part trickery and part unrealistic expectation, something akin to being doomed to failure. O, but that’s not God, that’s not the God of peace: the all-wise, all-knowing, all-sufficient, all loving God of compassion.  The enemy intends our failure at least and at most, our lack of faith in God—God who has promised to never leave us nor forsake us. But the devil would have us live/believe otherwise.  So, when I share with you things that I am learning or have learned along the way, I don’t share with strong confidence save the confidence I have in and through Jesus, my Lord.

What I’d like to share with you today is a message I have been mulling over and working on for quite some time now.  I’ll be sharing it in a couple of parts as your time is valuable and I don’t want to overstay my cup of coffee with you.  So then, today I’d like to talk with you about marriage—a subject near and dear to my heart, a subject that is receiving much media attention of late.  An institution that is under extraordinary attack and stands to be destroyed—but God!

When I was a little girl, my favourite part of each day at school was recess.  I loved recess, I loved playing hop-scotch and tether-ball and I especially loved playing marbles.  I had a little zippered bag with two handles and it held my precious marble collection.  I had treasures in that bag that were dear to me and absolutely hated the thought of losing them.  [cp_quote style=”quote_left_dark”]Are we playing for keeps or are we just playing?[/cp_quote]Well, at the beginning of the game we’d draw a circle in the dirt; never content to just play the game, but fearing the consequence of loss, my question was always the same: Are we playing for keeps or are we just playing?  I always feared the loss of my precious pink cleary marble.  I probably played a bit carelessly if I knew we were “just playing,” but played with keen competitiveness and extreme caution when we were “playing for keeps.”  With skill and determination of a professional, 😉  I’d guard that pretty pink cleary and never let it out of my sight.  O, even the other little girls knew it was my favourite as I rarely took it out of my little bag, guarded it carefully and played it only when I felt absolutely certain I’d not lose it.  This analogy breaks down of course, but you get the idea.

[cp_quote style=”quote_left_dark”] 7Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.  8And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints. 9And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.
— Revelation 19[/cp_quote]When I think of marriage and the sacred bond between husband and wife, I think of that game from time to time.  The Word says that husbands are to love, cherish and nourish their wives—even as their own bodies.  Wives are to be subject unto their own husbands in every thing, reverencing them, as it were, with the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit.  Both part of the whole, both leaving and cleaving: two become one flesh.  So, the marbles… marriage… it will be a treasure to you and an heirloom for your children when you determine to draw that circle in the dirt—only playing inside that circle, and further, when you determine you’re going to not just play at it, but when you determine that, no matter what, you’re playing for keeps.

Married for Keeps means forsaking all others, living out that mysterious picture of Christ and the church — you will do whatever it takes to not lose a single marble.  What are some of the marbles in the bag of one who’s married for keeps?   I’ll share a few of those in “part two” of this letter.  Until then, don’t lose your “pink cleary.”  Your children are depending on you to have it in the bag.

Write this memorial & rehearse it

womenbible[cp_dropcaps]S[/cp_dropcaps]o much on my mind lately that I’m overwhelmed if I indulge in thinking too long without something to specifically direct my thoughts.  Were it not for prayer, singing and morning Bible study, I don’t know where I’d be.  I know that’s an over used phrase — I don’t know where I’d be — but it’s over used bcz it’s true.  More true than we might realize, I’m sure.

If you’re a believer — redeemed by grace through faith in Jesus — think where you’d be without Christ.  Think of where you’d be without that precious hope.  Think of where you’d be if you hadn’t yielded your life to Him.  It’s a staggering thought to me when I consider who I am in Him, because of Him and my infinitesimal grasp of His mercies in my life and that of my family.  Small as my grasp may be, it’s sure.  It’s very sure. It’s very sure bcz it’s not my grasp that keeps me — It’s His grasp1, it’s His faith2, it’s His finished work3, it’s His gift of hope4.

So, why would I fret? Why would I worry? Why would I be overwhelmed? Why would I wonder for a moment about the days ahead of me? When I ask myself these questions, I’m prompted to recount His mercies… I’m prompted to recall the ways He has worked and the blessings and provisions are more than I can count–more than I can recall.  I’m sure of this: His blessing and provisions are, and surely have been, more than I know.

Bookp1Earlier as we were reading along in the book of Exodus, chapter 17.  I was struck again how the Lord commanded things to be remembered and methods for such remembrance — piles of stones, books, memorials, feasts and more — and His direction to Moses to write for a memorial in a book and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua (verse 14).  [cp_quote style=”quote_left_dark”]Never wasting a thread, never wasting opportunities, isn’t God merciful to provide exactly what’s needed?[/cp_quote]  Joshua was going to need that memorial — not only to bolster his faith, but bcz he was going to need strength and great courage — God was going to use him in ways he could not have imagined.

Bookp1So I take this; I receive instruction to keep accounts of God’s dealings with me and our family — and I tell them what the Lord has done for us.   The timing of this reading is perfect — as His work (and Word) always is.  I so need to pay attention to what God’s doing in these days as we’re calling on Him for so many specific things. I know I’m going to need all these things — I want to add to the great things He’s done what He’s doing now and I want to rehearse it my children.  They need to hear.  And to remember.  Not only bcz it’s part of their heritage, it’s also God’s work in their lives and what they’re going to need as they face the battles ahead, as they follow the Lord — maybe they’ll face some Joshua moments, maybe they’ll face some trials and testings of faith unlike any we’ve ever faced.  I don’t know… but I do know this: God is faithful, and as they walk with Him, He will be with them–He promises this for His children.

For my birthday, Wes bought me a new journal Bible — a Bible so unlike any I’ve ever had.   Because there are no cross references, footnotes, commentary or maps ~smile~ I feel like I’m reading the Word with new eyes or, maybe, like I’m riding a bike without training wheels for the first time.  All this and bcz I’ve had many Bibles that were exactly the same, I’m familiar with where verses and passages are on a given page.  This new one, while still KJV, is very different.  Fresh start… and it’s a blessing.  I’m not an artist by any stretch of imagination—but here I have my new Bible and new watercolour pencils and I’ve begun this journey.  It’s my plan to add something every day. Down the road, I pray I’ll be able to look back and trace the Hand of the Lord on this journey.  And someday my children will see some of what I saw and what the Lord was doing in, for, and through me — and more: for them.

1. John 10.28-29 “And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.  My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”
2. Galatians 2.16  “Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.”
3. John 17.3-4   “And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent. I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.”
4. 2Thessalonians 2.16  “Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace,”

Don’t Smash The Wagon

heart2.jpg.fpxIF YOU FALL OFF THE Trim Healthy Mama plan WAGON —– after having smashing success —– DON’T SMASH THE WAGON!  GET UP… TO YOUR KNEES… GIVE YOUR PLANS TO THE LORD, CRY FOR HELP, CRY FOR HOPE —- DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF THE SILLY nonsensical repetitive INDULGENCE THAT GOT YOU TO AN UNHEALTHY PLACE/WEIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

So you fell off the wagon.

DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE LIE THAT YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THE PLAN–THAT YOU HATED IT ANYWAY — THAT YOU JUST WANT TO BE FREE TO EAT WHAT YOU WANT and just be normal again.  THOSE MAY BE TRUE FEELINGS, BUT THE LIE IS THAT YOU CAN EAT WHAT YOU WANT AND NOT FACE OR PAY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES.

DON’T GIVE UP AND SAY: STUPID PLAN, STUPID SCHEDULE, STUPID CHAOTIC BOOK, STUPID INGREDIENTS, STUPID RECIPES, STUPID CONFUSING NAMES AND STYLES AND… and… and…  STOP IT.  SERIOUSLY, STOP IT.

don’t smash the wagon

YOU SOUND LIKE A SILLY, SELFISH CHILD WHO WANTS CAKE AND TREATS AND NO RULES and no weight gain.

Oh wait.  Remember?  That’s the beautiful thing you discovered when you began implementing the plan and trying out all the ideas and found some truly delicious recipes you enjoyed!!  Remember?  Yes, before the Cadbury eggs… before the Valentine’s Kisses… before the Christmas cakes-cookies-pies-fudge-candy…  before you gave into the lie that you don’t really care anymore anyway. 

[cp_quote style=”quote_left_dark”]Only your enemy the devil wants you to believe you will never get there and you might as well not even try.[/cp_quote] Remember?  Remember when you realized that you were doin’ it?!?!  Remember when you were WINNING?!?? You were following the plan and LOSING weight!  You LOST WEIGHT  Remember?  Yeah, that was YOU!  You lost that weight!  YOU did it.  YOU GO, GIRL!!!

So you fell off the wagon. 

  Get up. GET UP.  SERIOUSLY, GET UP AND GET GOING… YOU CAN DO IT———–YOU’VE ALREADY PROVEN IT.

…………said I to myself in the mirror.

In Three Hours

teapotcupdrawing The beauty of a plan is the presence of accompanying grace.  I think this is true with most any plan.  Well, except for plans with deadlines, specific time frames, appointments, etc.

So it is, with the Trim Healthy Mama “plan” for health and optimal weight or finding your trim. With grace.

Grace doesn’t mean carelessness, though.  And it doesn’t mean neglect.  I know that.
Now.

The result of neglecting the plan is sort of like how money evaporates in California.  Or how the reaching of an optimal weight goal is erased by consuming bags of sea salt & dark-chocolate covered almonds from Costco.  Or the only safe hot french bread and butter is a picture of hot french bread & butter.

So, I’m back on the plan — and, actually, I can’t tell you how vulnerable I’m feeling even saying it. I’m like: omygoodness, what if I fail? Again.  Suddenly, it feels confining – like no grace at all.  But, then I bring truth to mind: In three hours.  There’s the grace.  If I fail: in three hours (or any time!!) I have the opportunity to make a better choice/a right choice/a healthy choice.  In three hours, I can get “back on the plan” and go on from there.  In three hours.  No starting all over again, just pressing on.  I resolve to press on and prepare for my better choice.

The grace of  a better choice in three hours is not license to excuse myself for overindulging or to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.

It’s amazing to me to see the parallels of grace regarding self will & food and obedience & faith.

Just like God’s merciful grace in our lives is not license to sin!  God’s grace doesn’t absolve me from obedience to His known commands or the prompting of the Holy Spirit — it actually gives me more motivation to love and pursue God and to not do whatever I want, whenever I want.  I know it’s by the grace and faith of the Lord Jesus that I can know Him, seek Him, walk with Him and trust Him to complete His work in me (and that includes the dying to self regarding food & over indulging).

God’s grace and the indwelling presence of His Holy Spirit gives me strong desire and reason to seek Him, to love Him, and to obey Him. For I know I haven’t done, or can do nothing in and of myself to earn or merit His favour — it’s all His, it’s all grace.  Not just in three hours, but minute by minute, day by day.

THM or A Plan On The Shelf

THMbookshelfOctober 17, 2013 I received my book… and I wrote about the THM journey here with additional entries following.  I wasn’t so much seeking to be a trim healthy mama as much as I was determined to be a healthy mama who happened to figure out how to be and remain disciplined and trim.

I had such determination and such confidence.  And success, too.
Life happened. And failure.

This morning I’m cleaning up from a few different events in the last several days and all I see around me are large bowls, serving platters, large carafes, stacks of other dishes, paper products… all the aftermath of food. Lots of food.  My scale showed me that, too.

In the early days, I was trying to figure out how THM was going to fit in with my life. This bookshelf in my kitchen sort of represents my life. But, I’m telling you, it took no time to figure out that that was the wrong question – the wrong premise on which to embark on the THM journey. I couldn’t even reword that premise to be: how can my lifestyle fit into THM?  Though, I did learn to adjust right away, feeble as it was, it wasn’t at all bcz the THM plan  fit into anything and not even bcz I fit into the THM plan.  It was simple determination to deny self and walk on in faith that I could be free from the grip of undisciplined consumption and THM plan was the path to that freedom.

Somewhere along the way, small compromises deterred me from wholeheartedly walking on that freedom path.  Small and then absent minded great compromises dull the sharp resolve of discipline. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the plan, of my resolve to be self-controlled and resolute regarding food (read: sugar).  And nothing cements repeated failure more than repeated lack of determination.  I typed and then removed a sentence here — it went something like “…lack of a plan.”  But I had a plan.  I had a very good plan.  And when I stuck to the plan, it worked very, very well.  It’s a good plan.  But a plan on the shelf is not the same as a plan in the mind, a plan in the hand, and a plan in the will and a plan in action.  A plan is worthless when not accompanied by resolute determination to carry it out.

Excuses?  Loads.  Loads of ’em.  Reasons?  Many.  Many valid reasons if reason excuses failure.  And then there’s the worst of all: Compromise.  I look at where I am today compared with where I was seven months ago and I reason that where I am is surely not where I was seventeen months ago.  I reason, I’ve only gained 5 or 6 pounds in the last seven months… that’s not too bad, really.  I mean, considering, I already lost 35 pounds, so only gaining 5 or 6 pounds is not that bad.   Not that bad is one the greatest enemies I have. Compromise is an enemy when it’s not used very carefully and in the right situations.  Rarely is that the case.

Is the 5 or 6 pound gain the problem or the failure?  No.  Taking my eyes off the plan (could be any plan by the way — not stuck to the THM-only-no-other-will-do notion) is what’s disconcerting to me.  Failing to be, and remain, determined is what I mean.

I want to be, to become, and to remain: Determined.  I don’t want my plans to be on the shelf…

The irony of this thought was not lost on me this morning as I was reading my Bible — reflecting on the content and cross references.  I thought, why do I ever get away from doing this?  Why is this hunger for the Word so diminished  sometimes? So prone to wander… Why are these precious insights so dimmed on one day and not another.  Determination.

So many areas of our lives are so inextricably linked.  Isn’t the Lord so merciful to let us see these connections, fall and get up, by His grace, taking His hand?  Isn’t it gracious of Him to bring to remembrance different parables to keep our eyes on Truth?

 

The Current Truth

Oct05springhetti

I began working on my new This Beautiful Life journal/planner/notebook, and once again I’m stymied by my answers.  I see the designated spaces for specific answers and am reticent to write mine down.

My tendency is to be very tentative about what goals I write (thinking if I write it, I’ll be committed to doing it).  One day I might only write a few goals — another day I might write down things that would take two lifetimes to accomplish.   My abstract sequential / concrete random thinking style seems to prevent me from ever making a definitive list.  Have you ever analyzed your thinking style? There are different tests you can take to determine your thinking style — and I’m sincerely not so sure it’s crucial to do it, know what it is, or whatever, but this might help you understand yourself (and particularly your children — and your husband) better, and help you get why you (or they) do things the way you (or they) do them.  Just an idea for you.

So, back to my “priority journal” [Chloe’s: This Beautiful Life] and that box: The Current Truth.  That box shows up on five pages.  There are five sections corresponding to five priorities.  It’s hard for me to narrow down five priorities.  Would that be hard for you?  So, I’m thinking about my priorities: what are they? Why are they important (or, important enough to be in the top five)?  As I think on these things, I have to realize that my priorities and the things I prioritize —by how I spend my time— are not the same thing.  That’s where that  The Current Truth reality box is staring me in the face like a mirror.  And I have to say: wow, my current reality is not where I want to be.  And, if my current truth or current reality is not what I want it to be, what I’m doing each day is actually pulling me away from, or destroying, what I want or where I want to be.  Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. –proverbs 14.1  What I’m doing or how I’m spending my time or money or whatever is quite revealing as to how serious I am about accomplishing my priorities.

You know, there’s another way to get a pretty clear picture of priorities… might be too hard to hear, but ask your husband what he thinks the current truth is regarding a particular priority you have.  Or, maybe you have a son or daughter who could give you invaluable feedback.  Maybe a trusted friend.  Maybe all you need is a pen and paper.  Write down your priorities — what they look like at their best and what’s the current truth?  Better yet, get Chloe’s book.  Honestly, you’ll be so surprised at how life changing, complex and invaluable this simple little book will turn out to be in your life.

So today I’m sitting here, writing things down, looking out over the yard… and, honestly, the way looks stormy and the road looks long.  I don’t want to write anything else down and I don’t want to do what I must.  I don’t want to commit to anything bcz I so often fail and I’m pretty uncertain about a lot of things – things over which I have little control.  And, I don’t want to have another list of stuff I didn’t get to or didn’t do.  I relate to the apostle Paul and think of what he says in Romans 7: “…For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not…” — 7.18-19

But if I don’t press on… well, I sure don’t like where that would leave me — that, and I know I don’t want to be that girl.  So… I press on.  That’s my current truth.  And, it’s because of the Truth that I will do this.   I will seek Him and I will trust Him. That, and I truly do want this to be a beautiful life.

quotebeginFor it is God which worketh in you
both to will and to do of His good pleasure.”
philippians 2.13

What if You knew You were Dying?

AChristianHomeLogo10 Have you ever asked yourself what you’d do if you knew you were dying?  Or, how would you live differently if you knew this year was your last year to live?
I was talking with my friend on the phone this morning and as I was recounting different ongoing family situations, I related that even though we had a real “wake-up call” last summer, we haven’t changed things we do or don’t do all that much.  As I hung up the phone, it occurred to me that I must not take, or respond to, wake up calls all that seriously.   I was disappointed with the reality of my inaction.

A few times a week I receive blog entries written by or about a woman who is graciously dying.  I know, right?!? Graciously dying.  She knows she’s dying — known it for quite awhile — wrote and published a book that she thought perhaps she’d never see in print, and yet, it has been circulating for a year or more, now.  She’s battled cancer and, by her own admission, has sought to live well to the end.  This is a relatively new way of describing living: living well. loving well. dying well. caring well for others. being loved well.   You get the picture: well.  Doing things well. I’m often put off by new lingo–but it reaches me eventually and sometimes even worms its way into my speech.   Kinda like the, I know, right?!?! I frequently exclaim.  Or, the use of the word, totally.  I totally use that word.

Well, back to the wake up call.  You know, when my husband had a heart attack this past summer – or three attacks, to be more realistic — it was hard to fathom the grave nature of what had happened.  And I’m not sure if it’s his personality, his activity level or my own ignorance, but it’s like, Okay, so that happened, and we’ve moved on.  Kinda like we moved on in 2007 when he had his first heart attack.  But when I read about another woman dealing with a similar scenario, I’m moved with compassion and want to offer her comfort and encouragement; I pray for her and all that’s happening to her and what she’ll face in the midst of the trial: her wake up call.  But mine?  I don’t know why it doesn’t yet strike me the same way.

Well, as I talked with my friend, I realized I haven’t dared to just look at things for what they are and realize I need to take them more seriously. I’m not meaning I need to fall apart, cry it out or whatever, I mean that I need to recognize that real life’s happening and it is going to end.  We are all, in fact, dying.  At one rate or another, we’re all facing death.  I wonder how quickly I’d make changes were I to be in Kara’s place – Kara of The Hardest Peace, Kara of Mundane Faithfulness – that Kara.

I keep reading Kara… and every day I learn something new about life, the Lord, peace and love.  And as I work through my prayer/priority/goal-setting/evaluation Journal, This Beautiful Life, I learn more about what He has for me and what I ought to/might do about it all.  I’ve decided to add to my thoughts as I’m writing in each section, the thought: would I value this more (or less) if I knew I was dying?

Because, I really am.  I just have no idea when… and I want to live today in light of that fact.

This Beautiful Life

teapotcupdrawing As I mentioned in my previous post, one evening a month, I have the privilege of sharing a message with a “TitusTwo” group of women.  As I wrote out that message on Communication, I was mindful that there was going to be a presentation by another sister at the meeting.  My friend mentioned that her friend had written a book and would be sharing about it with the group. Thinking  there really might not be time for me to share a message, I still wanted to be prepared — but looking back now, I’m not sure it was necessary for me to share a message that night.  Sometimes best things get covered up by good things. I can say that now, especially since I’ve mulled it over many times in the last few days, that that book was the best thing and could’ve/should’ve been the only thing we concentrated on that night.

I’m so glad to be growing older as I see with the passage of time, there’s less urgency to have things go according to my plan and more necessity to be flexible to walk in the Lord’s steps.   As He leads, I want to follow.  I wish I could’ve just typed: As He leads, I follow.  But the reality is, I’m still prone to wander.

You notice, I entitled this blog entry: This Beautiful Life.  This is the title of the book.  The book is half empty.  Right now, the book is filled with power.  When it’s full, I believe I will be able to tell you the book is powerful.  

the current truth 

I thumbed through the pages… those words caught my eye.  When I glanced at the priority pages… I saw the spaces for different action points, and began to mentally fill them in.  I came to those three words and let them sink in: The current truth.  There’s a lot of power behind those words.  We all have things we think about ourselves — sometimes deceiving ourselves into thinking we’ve got less to work on than we do or less to improve than we really do.  Sometimes we’re duped into believing that we already are pretty much doing the things we’ve planned to do, or that we’re not straying too far from our daily responsibilities.  Then there’s the angle of what others think is true about us and what we think is true about ourselves.  I instantly think of the Lord talking with His disciples… them talking about other people and Him talking about the disciples themselves:  But who do you say that I am?  The current truth is a bold reality check.  Get the book and you’ll understand this application.

Well, you might be thinking that what I’ve just shared is the last thing you need: another book, person, voice, or whatever, to beat you up for what you’re not doing or for what you oughtta stop doing.  No, that’s not at all what this book is designed to do.  But daring to amplify on those three words: the current truth, just may be the unlocking of chains that bind you to a problem or a way of reacting or responding.

So, what is this book, anyway? Chloe wrote this book This Beautiful Life (which is a working book! It’s a semi-guided journal, a planner, a calendar, a mirror) to help you. 

quotebegin…help you clarify your own unique gifts and callings,
and move forward in them with joy…
[that the Lord] guide you in the vision He has for your life.
May this help you become a stronger and more confident woman,
secure in your relationship in Christ and your role in the world.
May you have joy as you go about your days with purpose,
living out your own beautiful life.quoteend

get it.

The recovery road

wesandmeinhospitalbeforesurgeryAll the information, booklets, visits from the different therapists and the remarks of different doctors in the days and hours prior to leaving the hospital following my husband’s open heart bypass surgery didn’t prepare me for the recovery road.  Yes, I’d listened intently. Yes, I’d taken notes and appeared to comprehend all the information they were giving me — giving us.

I guess I was prepared for what they’d specifically instructed me to do when we returned home, but I wasn’t prepared for the other stuff — the other stuff that they didn’t tell me.  And now, looking back, I see that there was “other stuff” they couldn’t tell me –– they couldn’t prepare me for what I’d experience any more than the obstetrician could prepare me for what I’d experience in labour and delivery and for the weeks following the birth of our first child.  I marvel at the similarities.

Last July, we were sitting out on the deck of a local restaurant enjoying the airplanes, hotair balloons and the beautiful sunset.  In ordering the bacon wrapped tenderloin, I obviously completely forgot that my. husband. had. just. had. open. heart. surgery.  We’d walked there so that we could keep with the prescribed daily walking schedule — two to three walks per day, increasing the length of the walks each day.  But, yes, I shot us both in the foot with that order.

Through the month of July when our first son was born 35 years ago, each day was filled with the activities of feeding, bathing, napping, dressing, strolls, and extended times of just gazing at him while he slept.  I’d gently lay my head near my son’s face to hear his breathing or my hand on his back to feel the gentle rise and fall of each respiration.    Each day seemed so long but the weeks seemed to fly by — such an uncanny parallel to the way this past July was spent.

Each day we’d wake up early, the sun streaming in our living room — my husband in his recliner, and I beside him on my temporary bed.  The new electric recliner gave him so much freedom to get up or sit by himself, but the tone of the electronic lift was like an alarm clock — the operative word being: alarm. 😉  Though he never complained of my incessant, day or night, staring and asking, are you okay? I stared at him while he rested, stared at him while he ate, stared at him while he read.  Each day seemed long — much like those early newborn days, a flurry of firsts, busy days just like the early days of the first baby, my days were filled with feeding, bathing, napping, dressing, strolls and staring at my… husband.  Somehow the busyness of keeping each day’s chart filled in — assorted new meds, his temperature, blood pressure, walks, water, meals and doctor visits all served as distractions to what was really going on or what had really gone on.

I wasn’t prepared for the new tentative feel to life. I wasn’t prepared for the feeling that this was all very temporary — that at any time my husband would have another heart attack and we’d do all that all over again.  I wasn’t prepared for what felt like the loss of the middle years — suddenly catapulted to the later years — the last years.  I didn’t anticipate that there’s be potholes on the recovery road and surely didn’t anticipate their source.  I wasn’t prepared for the comments and questions I’d receive and, therefore, didn’t have a ready response.  Instead of hearing them as simple conversation, I heard them as attacks and didn’t have the wherewithal to give reasoned answers.  I took my husband’s health personally and have felt ashamed that I contributed to it being what it is — that I could have/should have made better choices for the last thirty six years and,  had I done so,  he’d not be in the condition he is.

In saner, stronger, more rational moments I’ve been able to reason that, first, God is sovereign.  That’s a sure plank on which to stand.  He’s also Lord of my life, Lord of my husband’s life and has been our sustainer, provider, strength, and guide through all these years.   I’ve  been careful to be in the Word and in prayer daily and to recognize, ultimately, where the feeling of attack came/comes from.  The devil knows my weaknesses and one of them is guilt or shame over things that happen around me — that when bad things happen, it must be my fault; when relationships are strained, it must be my fault;  if/when my kids fail, reject me, reject the Lord, or whatever: it must be my fault.  So also, when my husband’s health failed, surely it must be my fault and to excuse myself in any way would mean I’m not accepting the fact.  It’s a vicious cycle — one I’m very familiar with — one that I must work diligently to accurately see for what it is.

It’s a decision I’m not always quick to react with though, and sometimes I’m in the middle of a pothole when I finally see I’ve fallen into the trap the devil’s set for me on the road.  And in that place, I must resolve to yield to the Lord: I resolve to rest in His promises.  I used to see as weakness what I now see as yieldedness.  I used to see as a copout what I now see as trust.  What I used to see as naïve I now see as faith.   I often wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see these truths.

No one sets out to have heart disease — but I wish I’d grasped early on what it is to set out to NOT have heart disease. Obviously, I don’t even yet grasp this.