I wrote the following a few years after our firstborn son was married in 1998. Thinking back on that day, reflecting on all that’s transpired and all that’s happening currently, I decided to get this out and reread it. The same mama, similar feelings, better understanding… as plans are underway for another son who’ll marry next week. I’m so thankful I’ve had a little more time and a few more experiences so this time is not so overwhelming (and, I don’t have a 2+ week old newborn this time). But the emotions? They’re very much the same. And here you have another glimpse of my life — and maybe yours, too. Continue reading “The First Seat on the Right Side of the Center Aisle”
Category: Motherhood
Untangling the wwWeb – part two
This is “part two” of the previous post by the same name — you can read it here. The reason I’ve entitled this and the previous post: Untangling the wwWeb is bcz it truly is a tangling or entangling web. Now, what I hope is understood here is that the web or internet or electronic communication is not the enemy — it’s not all bad. In fact, I readily admit that it’s a profoundly invaluable tool. But tools are just that: tools. We utilize tools — and the right tools help us accomplish tasks much more efficiently than were we to not have them. Tools misused or used in the wrong hands are actually dangerous. We can think of the internet (or iPhones, smart phones or any other communication device) as a tool — a very useful tool if used properly. Unplanned or unbridled internet use is dangerous and should, from here on, be evaluated as a properly or improperly used tool.
Here’s an idea for you. Set the timer for 20 minutes right now or next time you use your computer (or iPhone or whatever). Bing! the timer will ring and you’ll be shocked just how fast twenty minutes passes! Now, for amplification, set the timer for that same amount of time before embarking on some task you don’t like doing. You’ll be shocked how slowly twenty minutes passes! That little exercise is to give you an idea just how much time you’ve wasted spent invested online. You can never get that time back. Ever again.
In order to untangle from the web — and it is, in intensity and enormity, a world. wide. web. — I believe you must (in addition to answering those questions in “part one” of this post) admit you’re tangled in it (if you are) and then do some fessing up to yourself, to your husband, to your children. Your fessing up may extend beyond your home. Think back on days gone by… how were they really spent? How much time did/do you really spend online? And, as with all addiction recovery, a course or a plan of action and accountability should be — read: must be — established. A lack of a plan is a plan to fail and disregarding accountability is a sure plan to cheat yourself.
You may clean the room, clean the space in your life that the net once fully occupied, but unless you fill that space with plans, purposes, activities and measurable accomplishments, that space will be filled with demons of a worse kind. Those demons might be resentment, regret, shame, anger, self-pity, bitterness, pride, anxiety, frustration, woeful longing and on and on. Those demons travel in a pack.
Get busy and stay busy. Look well to the ways of your household and do not eat the bread of idleness.
Wherever you are, be fully there. Whatever you’re doing, be fully doing it. Whoever you’re talking with, be fully engaged in conversation. It may shock you how disconnected you’ve been. It may shock them how distracted you were and now aren’t! It may be weird for them– and you — to be doing all the stuff you delegated (so you could be freed up to do all that important good stuff on the internet). Watch out for personal resentment if you’re not appreciated for all your hard work. Determine to live joyfully in your home. Purpose to change your tomorrows since you cannot do a single thing to change the yesterdays. You can change — your days can change and in doing so, you’ll be investing in your tomorrows.
Set about accomplishing the things you’ve set aside… maybe neglected. You know, the stuff you used to do before the the tangled wwWeb got you and your time all wrapped up. As you do things, you’ll experience delightful appreciation for personal growth and accomplishment — interest and investment in your home and family once again. You’ll be living all those pictures you’ve been dreaming about. Try new things. You sleep better knowing that the greater satisfaction comes in actually doing and accomplishing instead of just observing; reading about things other women seem to be doing or seeing pictures of all that all those other mothers seem to be accomplishing. Keep in mind each day that the wise woman builds her house but the foolish plucks it down with her own hands.
In time you’ll establish a balance of best vs. good… literal vs. virtual… wise vs. foolish or not-so-wise time investment. You’ll begin seeing or will begin doing all the things you knew deep down you wanted to do/you should be doing… but couldn’t do bcz you were all tangled up viewing a screen. Drinking another cup of coffee.
♥ may you always be blessed.
Untangling the wwWeb
Untangling from an internet bound life is sort of like limiting coffee consumption (but worse. so much worse). You might not even know you’re addicted to caffeine until you attempt to go without it for a day — or, okay, a morning without it. And then, if you’re addicted, you know it. You really know it. Your pounding headache constantly reminds you.
It’s hard. It’s actually painful — very painful — at first… and then, enduring the pain, you see a few days pass and the pain diminishes. You may have given up or reduced your coffee consumption but the pull is always there… especially when you catch a whiff of the nearly intoxicating aroma of great coffee.
In time, you learn to drink a cup of coffee and be satisfied. If you’ve been a long time coffee drinker — the kind that can’t live without coffee — it may take time — lots of time — before you can trust yourself to keep within a predetermined limited indulgence.
Maybe your deal’s not coffee or chocolate or any butter-sugar-flour combination food. Maybe your deal’s just the internet… maybe, like me, you’ve found your life wrapped up in a tangled mess of lost time, neglected duties, distracted thoughts, misunderstandings and forgotten purpose. In a way, it doesn’t really matter what had (or has) you distracted and off course — like I’ve said many times, even good things are the enemy of best things. So if you (believe me, I’ve been there, been here, and fully understand) have found yourself all caught up in all the good things — the very good things of the internet — you may need to take a step back and ask yourself some hard questions. Well, the questions aren’t hard at all, it’s the truth — or facing it — that’s the hard part.
I sincerely offer this baker’s dozen following questions… your answers may be helpful or insightful to you and may prompt you to consider the need re-chart your course.
1. Have I left my first Love?
2. Am I doing the things I am responsible, gifted, supposed to be doing?
3. Am I accomplishing the goals and plans I have (or had) for my home/marriage/motherhood?
4. Would my husband be pleased with how I have spent the hours of each day/week?
5. Do I ignore that inner prompting to get busy with my responsibilities?
6. Do I make excuses for how important my computer related activities are?
7. Would I be willing to list some things that have obviously gone by the wayside bcz I’ve been distracted on the computer?
8. Have I heard negative comments about the amount of time I spend online?
9. Can I go a day without checking into Facebook, email, blogging, reading blogs or looking at Pinteresting things?
10. Do you frequently say the meaningless phrases, Just a minute or Just a sec?
11. Do you feel you have a right to not be interrupted while using, browsing, writing, being entertained on the computer?
12. Do you prefer to miss activities, visits, etc., so you don’t have to miss being online?
13. And finally, does a power outage send you into a frenzied panic?
All those questions weren’t meant to be glib or even entertaining — they’re serious questions to prompt serious introspection and reflection and hopefully give some inspiration for changing your tomorrows.
And then life goes on.
In the midst of a transition, it’s really hard sometimes to see that things are ever going to change — be any different — than they are today. It’s hard to see past today sometimes. Well, actually, it’s hard to see past the moment sometimes. I’ve found this to be true so many times — and, like most things that happen to me, I learn that they are, or have been, happening to others as well. Trouble is, most of the time, we’re too isolated (or proud) to confess where we are or what we’ve done — especially if it’s not pretty.
So I thought I’d write a chapter — it’ll actually be two — on a couple of things. First, I’d like to share more with you about life after computer addiction and then I’ll write a bit on life after rejection. You’ll see how they’re related — as are most things — and how after the crash or the event or the trial or the test… life goes on. So, the thing happens: And then life goes on.
As you’ve perhaps read, a number of years ago I began to have glimpses that things weren’t right here in River City (or in my life, rather). I was spending too much time on the computer — so much so, that I didn’t even realize it after awhile. You can read about my computer addiction here and here and here. So addicted was I that I had moved from the wonderment phase, to the thrill of the newness phase, right on past the excitement at receiving mail, friendship and keepers-at-home-camaraderie phase, past the I want to do this phase… right on to (and past) the I need to do this phase.
Well, back to the point… At the time of the great crash of my life that led to the sobering reality that I was an internet addict, I sincerely didn’t see how I was going to get past that time — that grueling, painful, humbling time. But I did — though not alone and not without some personal anguish and occasional resentment. The resentment didn’t come right away — bcz, sincerely, I knew I needed to squarely face my behaviour and decisions — I knew my husband was right — I knew my children were right and I knew I was wrong to have spent so much time reading, browsing, creating, writing, corresponding, researching. Every now and then the resentful thoughts slipped into my mind: I ought to be able to use the computer, this is important, I’m a mother, I need to know different things… yada, yada, yada. As you’ve heard me say many times, one of the greatest enemies of best things is good things. Many good things. And there are really and truly so many good things to read, see and do on the computer/internet. But what I hadn’t filtered was the fact that *I* didn’t need to be doing all/many/most of them and I certainly didn’t need to use the precious time I had in the way I was using it. I know that, now.
One of the greatest things — among many — that I’ve learned is that God is the God of now — He deals with us where we are and leads us where He wants us to go if (and that’s a big if) we will yield ourselves to Him and He isn’t caught up in the feelings of a matter or the fears of a matter. He seeks my life, He draws me to Himself and He carries me through. And along the way He shows Himself strong on my behalf. The minutes of obedience become hours and the hours become days and the days become weeks and so on. Do you see what I mean? God’s concern for me is eternal and His plans are eternal but He lovingly guides my footsteps and as I yield to Him, taking His Hand to trust in His guidance, He does make a way for me to pass through. So when I thought I’d never make it or when I thought I’d never live through those days, He proved Himself strong on my behalf. He demonstrated His love by the presence of His Holy Spirit.
Now, that’s not to say that the year was smooth sailing — I missed a lot of cues and bumbled my way through. And, as I mentioned, my thoughts weren’t always what they should’ve been. But, deep down, I knew at the time — and I know it much better now — God was clearly in control. Eventually, a year passed by and now another year has passed and, to my deepest regret, I am beginning to get a glimpse of the high price I was willing to pay to be online. And now it’s not so much how am I going to get through this? as much as it is, Lord help me never again waste the time, resources and gifts You’ve given me. Life after computer addiction is sweeter — sweeter bcz the squeeze out was so hard and the price so precious. The lessons I’ve learned I immeasurably valuable to me and I pray to use what I’ve learned to inspire others to measure the time and price being paid to be online without strict barriers.
When a mother’s face is to the screen, her back is to her home and children, and then life goes on.
Savouring the Moments
The symphony of birds, buds and blossoms along with the soft greens seem to sing, Springtime’s here; another season’s underway! With the passing of time, the Lord is teaching me to savour the moments, to watch for the signs of the seasons. I can’t really recall if , or what, I’ve written much about the passage of a season that taught me this, but it was the slow dawning of the reality that the childbearing season was slipping away that first began to teach me to savour the moments.
I think I’ve told you how (early on) women–mothers–would tell me, “…it goes so fast: before you know it, they’ll be all grown up…” and to those comments I would nod in agreement… as if I understood. And, I suppose, to a small degree, I did. Actually, truth be told, I didn’t. Not really. And, further, I recognize that I still don’t really know the whole of it. But what I am realizing this: time really does seem to pass exponentially faster with each passing year.
On Saturday morning I received a text message on my cellphone. Three simple words. Tears filled my eyes as I read and reread those three little words. Those three little words were packed with such hope and elated joy. I pictured the smiling face of the one who sent me the text. I pictured the thrill that must’ve gone into the typing of the three little words. I closed my phone — savouring the moment and what the three little words would become. The text read: She said yes.
Several of us received the same text. We knew this by the flood of texts that followed. It’s just what happens in a big family, I guess.
As I savoured the moment, I was grinning with tear-filled eyes. Standing there, looking out the window above the kitchen sink, I was thinking about that son’s little boy self and how he ran and played out in the yard, roller skated down the lane, did ‘canon-balls’ in the pool, shot things with his airsoft gun and found things to light on fire in the back yard. As I lingered, I thought of the several years he’s loved this girl… I thought of the many times she’s stood right in the same place, washing dishes or having a cup of coffee or tea in the kitchen. I thought of her little girl self… her adorable little girl self. And then, her parents came to mind and suddenly it wasn’t just our boy and bright hopes for tomorrow — it was their daughter and all the memories of her little girl self and times gone by in her life and theirs… many savoured moments, I’m very sure.
Later, walking around our yard and then standing under the lacy green leaves hanging from the giant weeping willow tree, I looked up to see where the branch had broken off — the branch that had, until just recently, held the old tire-swing. I knew one day that that branch would break and the tire-swing would inevitably have to be put away or maybe even possibly would be hung on from different branch… I just never thought it would be this soon. I looked at the branch on the ground and the place where the rope had been nearly completely encircled by the bark of the branch where it had hung for so many decades — the process unnoticed, but further embedded with each passing season. In the theater of my mind, I saw some of the childhood faces of the many, many seasons of the tire swinging from that tree. Savoured moments. More so, now.
The interesting thing about savoured moments is that at the time the moments don’t seem all the glorious. I sometimes think that savoured moments become so — not because of their impact or influence at the time, but later. Silly things, embarrassing things, surprising things, simple things, everyday things. Later on… down the road a bit… that’s when moments become meaningful and it’s those meaningful moments we savour. Those simple, everyday, unremarkable (at the time) moments that somehow capture our hearts and become the stuff memories are made of — the moments we treasure — the moments we savour.
In the last couple of days I’ve had more time to reflect on those three little words… I’ve thought of the inevitable hardships, trials, heartaches ans sorrows they’ll necessarily face. I’ve thought of the memories they’ll make, the home they’ll make together — the joys and laughter they’ll experience and the hopes and dreams they’ll share; and I marveled at the thought of the surprising ways of God they’ll surely encounter as He writes their story. And so for all these things, I can only say, Praise the LORD and pray they’ll savour the moments that come with the passing seasons along the way.
another birthday…
Another birthday for one of our children. Another day to reflect on the many blessings, provisions and calling of the Lord on this son’s life — the golden child, the brothers and sisters call him. We all have a smile when someone says this or refers to him in this manner. They all know they are — each one to me — a golden child, though they’d insist he is the golden child. ~smile~
So another year, another birthday… another celebration that doesn’t look like one here tonight. We’ll make up for it when he returns from Africa in a couple of months — but for now, we have had a day of reflection, stories and melancholy, misty eyes. Well, maybe that was just me with the misty eyes most all day today. It’s not that I want him to stay around here — I really don’t — but he’s such a delightful person… just missing him especially much today as I’ve been reflecting on the many things that have been particular to him. I think back on his love for anything-pooh-bear to his love for a favourite blanket and the shiny blond hair of his younger years. In those days his hair was cut much longer than he’d ever wear it today — in a “bowl cut” — the same style of haircut I gave to each of the other boys before and after him in their younger years. Two brothers older and four younger than him. Funny to hear them talk now of how they all loved their hair that way — what they don’t know is that it was the only cut for young boys I knew how to do very well. I glanced at a pooh bear today… stopping for a moment to remember… and smiled.
One of the wonderful advantages of the passage of time is that we accumulate many stories and happy memories — these both bless us and bring us tears when a day such as this comes along. And while we all miss him for as many different reasons as there’ve been minutes in this day, we’re blessed by the knowledge that he’s right where he ought to be. And somehow, that makes everything perfect. Just as a cake & ice cream would be the perfect thing to serve were he to be here at home tonight.
I’ve been reflecting on God’s tender preparations for me for these years — and in different ways, He’s actually prepared all of us for these days. Showing Himself strong on our behalf, He’s orchestrated quite a mixture of joys and sorrows — gains and losses — working everything together for our good and His glory. I see this more and more clearly as the years pass.
So, Timothy’s in Africa… adding another birthday to the number of birthdays he’s spent away from home. I’ll get used to this — perhaps, in a way, I already am. I think of the years he’s been in Mexico or in Africa and each time I recall, as I’ve done today, that there’s really no place I’d rather have him be. In the hand of the Lord, anywhere in the world, is the safest and best place to be. He’s there ministering to the saints, visiting different remote villages and participating in ministering and teaching in Bible seminars. The opportunities have been a great source of joy and blessing to him as he spends time with old friends and new. So you see how I could not wish for him to be here and miss all that.
Once again my heart is filled with thanksgiving — knowing I don’t deserve the great honour and privilege of all these years of motherhood. My thoughts linger here tonight… thankful for a son who’s in the gracious and merciful hand of the Lord. God’s been so very kind to Timothy.
May you always be blessed. ♥
♥ Gleanings
This morning I’m reading in 1 Chronicles 21 & 22. There King David, yielding to the Lord’s chastening, chooses his punishment: “…let me fall now into the hand of the LORD: for very great are His mercies; but let me not fall into the hand of man.” (21.13) For his sin of numbering the people, it’s interesting that David would choose not three years of famine, nor three months being chased by his enemies, but three days, the sword of the LORD — choosing to place himself at the mercy of the Living God. He emerged from that time repentant, humbled and beseeching the LORD — and having just been chastened by the LORD, David found Him to be only faithful, only merciful, only just. It was God’s great mercy David sought and found; he found the LORD to be not only merciful but worthy of all worship.
So, in an act of worship — of love, in an act of remorseful obedience, he set out to build an alter — an alter of offering: repentance, adoration, peace. His recognition of self and His recognition of God compelled him to fall before the Living God in repentance and adoration. It is only when we see ourselves as we are — and see God — that He is just in His dealings, that He is just in His chastening and He is the epitome of love and mercy. We can come to such a conclusion when we have a right view of Him and a right view of ourselves — for, surely, He has not dealt with us according to our sin or our past deeds — even according to our feeble works of “righteousness.” He has dealt with us mercifully and graciously. For this, we can take the cup of Salvation and say: Thank You. Thank You, Thank you, LORD — for You alone have saved me, not given me as I have deserved but according to your mercy, You have saved me. Thank You.
“Return at my reproof; behold,
I will pour out my spirit unto you,
I will make known my words unto you.”
–Proverbs 1.23
And isn’t this what we want so desperately — the Spirit of the Lord and His words? We reject reproofs and we reject chastening — but it is the mercy of the LORD to reprove us, to chasten us.
We can learn a great deal from Kind David — there he erred, there he acted foolishly (admitting this himself, 21.8) and, in addition, he would seemingly lose a great deal. In his zeal, he sought to construct an alter for the LORD as a burnt offering, as a peace offering. But for his sin, he would not be the man to build the house of the LORD. This would seem such a heavy burden to bear — but, again, we do see the mercy of the LORD: for He gave David the heart and mind to gather the materials his son, Solomon, would need for the construction of the house. How merciful of the LORD!
I believe the great blessing of this whole event was was not simply God’s mercy on David, but God’s great mercy on Solomon — according to God’s great plan for blessing Solomon’s life with peace and quietness in Israel all his days. It is from such Scriptures that we can glean that God does much more in and through the trials and tragedies we face than we could ever begin to ask or imagine. We have much to glean from what David learned and from how he blessed and admonished his son, Solomon. I believe we’ve been given a glimpse of the potential each life — a glimpse of how God might use us or our children, how He might redeem our failures and how He might work for our good and His glory.
Let us glean from the Word, let us be mothers who seek the Lord, mothers who don’t faint in the day of adversity or fail to carry out the great calling on our lives. Let us glean from this and be mothers who seek His will for our children. Consider and glean from the many blessings in what David said to his son, Solomon.
11 Now, my son, the LORD be with thee; and prosper thou, and build the house of the LORD thy God, as he hath said of thee.
12 Only the LORD give thee wisdom and understanding, and give thee charge concerning Israel, that thou mayest keep the law of the LORD thy God.
13 Then shalt thou prosper, if thou takest heed to fulfil the statutes and judgments which the LORD charged Moses with concerning Israel: be strong, and of good courage; dread not, nor be dismayed.
19 Now set your heart and your soul to seek the LORD your God…” 1Chronicles 22.11-13, 19
What prayers we can glean from this portion. I’m ever more thankful that the Lord has given His living, timely, instructive Word. I don’t know what I would do as a mother without the ever present Hand and witness of the Lord, without His Word, without His Holy Spirit or without the gift of Faith.
“All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: that the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.” 2Timothy 3.16
May you always be blessed. ♥
Quintessential Motherhood
Throughout that week I wondered what the LORD would have me to write for that week’s letter. And so, in an attempt to prepare a letter, I sat down to write. Distractions, buzzers, timers, calls, the dryer’s beep-beep-beep, and the knocking at the back door… distractions. And then I thought: distractions? No: life. Life is what’s happening when we’re waiting and planning for something else to happen. And then I thought on this further and wondered: is this the story of my motherhood experience? Has it all happened while I was waiting for something else to happen? Have the days passed by while I was looking for a brighter tomorrow and a better way of doing things? While hurry-scurrying around, gathering, sorting, washing, folding, packing… suddenly the time comes for a departure.
Suddenly the time-clock runs out and this game is over or the hour comes. This is quintessential motherhood.
I came inside from the chilly porch where I hugged one of our sons and waved him good-bye-for-now. As he drove away, the darkness giving way to light and the early morning sun casting a pink glow on the snow, tears flooded my eyes and instantly, all the compelling rush was completely forgotten in the haze of the exhaust and the taillights slowly dimming in the distance. I stood there in the cold-still waving… the asl sign for i-love-you… and found myself wondering—questioning what significant thing had I contributed to that remarkable boy’s life? Was there anything noteworthy? All at once I thought of many things I’d forgotten to remember—things I suddenly realized I meant to say. Memories instantly flooded my mind — sort of like those endearing slideshows you see at weddings — the emotionally gripping photos that chronicle lives and bring tears and laughter simultaneously one frame after another.
Part of the calling of motherhood is that there will be suffering. There will be days of joy and sorrow. Sort of that paradoxical truth that in every adversity there is triumph and in every joy there is an inextricable mix of delight and sorrow. The sorrow part is the part we didn’t read in the fine print. The sorrow part is one of the consequences of endearment –one of the consequences I didn’t perhaps expect when I first received the confirmation call from the doctor’s office or when we first saw the indicator lines in the home-pregnancy test kit. No, in those days, we had no idea what lay ahead, what tears we’d shed or how many sleepless nights we’d spend waiting and walking. Waiting for a child to return home or walking a crying baby from one end of the living room to the other: round and round.
No, in the early days, we had no idea what lay in store a few years down the road. We had no grasp of where those first baby-steps would take those feet. We had no concept that snow-tires would eventually replace those training wheels. Even now, I probably have no real grasp of what the consequences of motherhood are. Just as I can’t fathom the exhilaration of tremendous joy, I can’t fathom the plummeting sorrow—both are those inexplicable consequences of endearment and motherhood.
I’ve often said I wasn’t prepared for these years—the gripping anguish of regret and disappointment, the overwhelming joy proud moments bring and the unstoppable ticking of the clock and the turning of the calendar pages. It seems new calendars are purchased more frequently now. But in reality, nothing and everything prepared me for these days. The LORD has been with me, guiding, abiding and upholding me —preparing me for each of the next days He’d bring. The preparation has been in the living. Bidding farewell to passing seasons and ushering in new ones prepares us for these goodbyes.
It’s quintessential motherhood: fully experiencing of all the seasons over and over. Experience, history… photographs and memories all prepare us for these goodbyes. As I look out at the morning glow on the snow… and then at the leafless, frost covered branches of my weeping willow tree, there’s sort of a melancholy hopeful looking forward to what this day will bring and how I’ll one day look back on this day.
I smile as I realize that with every good bye… there’s a welcome home. In the end, the true joy is looking to the ultimate welcome home.
May you always be blessed.
What’s a mother to do?
Dear Sister,
First, I want to thank you for writing — for it is in acknowledging our condition and in seeing our need that we can best affirm and apply, by the grace of God, the help or teaching we receive.
Second, though this may not be helpful, you’re not alone and your situation or your “dilemma” is not unusual. The devil may attempt to tell you otherwise, but what you’ve written is common to women who both come home from the “work-force” *and* who’ve been trained otherwise. The “trained otherwise” is the main problem — not the new daily routine of being home and not out of the home. That will be the easy part once you accept the calling and seek to define and live it. You will define it as you go — and you will live it as you define it.
The “it” is the high calling of being a keeper at home… the main tree of motherhood. Incidentally, motherhood doesn’t relegate a woman to never leaving the home or never having “outside” work — there are likely seasons where one or both of these will happen — but it is my understanding that the season of child birthing, nurturing and training necessitates that mothers stay home to heed the calling the Lord has placed on her life and carry out and do these things. Radical feminists will argue the point. But I will continue to defend the Scriptures that call a mother to be a keeper at home, to love her husband and her children, to be discreet, sober, good, chaste, obedient to her husband — seeking all of these — that the Word of God be not blasphemed.
Psalm 113.9 He maketh the barren woman to keep house,
and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.
As to the question of not knowing what to do. Here’s an exercise that might be helpful for you. It will take you some time, so you might print this off so you can address it when time allows. Here is the exercise:
- List all the outcomes you desire (so far as it depends on you) for your life?
- What kind woman do you want to be remembered as being?
- As for your walk with the Lord, how do you see that worked out in your daily life?
- How can you work these attributes into your daily life? What do you need to implement?
- As for your behaviour and character what specific qualities to you most highly value?
- As a wife? As a mother? As a companion?
- What sort of atmosphere do you seek as a description of your home?
- The appearance of your home? The flow and routine of your homelife?
You may never have had the instruction to be a “godly woman” or a “keeper at home” or a “homemaker” or a “mother.” But I think you might agree that you do have an idea what this looks like or a dream of what it might be like. That’s what I’m asking you to consider — that’s what I’m asking you to ponder as you go through the days ahead. Yes, you may not know what to do – exactly – today, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any idea. You may not know the paints, the colours, the hues, the brushes and blades used in painting a portrait, but you’ve seen the portrait or, at least, you’ve imagined it.
Yes, you may have been “instructed otherwise ” and, therefore, you need to spend some time reevaluating, rethinking, reorganizing your thoughts about motherhood and keeping a home — that’s what that “exercise” above is meant to address. You may be mourning the loss of time — the robbing of your time and purpose as a wife and mother. Don’t let the devil deceive you that it’s too late. If you’re still living, it’s not too late. Don’t ever forget that. The devil will deceive you to believe otherwise.
That crafty devil’s playbook is very thin — he doesn’t possess many tools or ideas — so he plays them over and over and over again. The longer you live, the more you’ll see this.
May you always be blessed.
what’s a mother to do (part 2)
(This is part 2 of the post What’s a mother to do?)
Remember, you are a book that’s being written every day… and your husband and children are reading it. Your story, in part, is defining their lives. Let the Lord be the author and finisher of your faith.
You may resent (as many women do) that no one ever told you the truth about marriage, wives, motherhood and being a keeper at home. You may also resent that you were persuaded to pursue a career or led to believe that a “professional” career is of more worth than “just hanging around the house all day for the rest of your life.” And, given that scenario, I just might agree. But motherhood — true motherhood — and being a keeper at home isn’t at all about “just hanging around the house all day…” That’s another reason for the “exercise” above. True motherhood is a God-given, God ordained gift — this has to be, and become to you (and me), more than rhetoric — more that pious words. This is truly — truly — a very high calling.
And so there’s another thing I’d like to suggest is that you clean the slate — clean the slate of bitterness, resentment, disappointment you may be feeling toward your husband, mother, family and friends who instilled the “otherwise” teachings in your life. That regret or even anger against people or things will not allow you to move ahead in the way the Lord has planned for you. His plan is infinitely greater than you can ask or imagine.
Yes, motherhood and being a keeper at home is a cycle of dailies — and, yes, the dailies are *so* daily. But they are the rudimentary things God uses to refine us. They are the building blocks of character and training we need and we need to instill in our children. They are the stuff of love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and self-control. And all of these things give motherhood its glory and define its purpose — and they are the things we must yearn for and seek in and through our lives and the lives of our children.
You may have been trained otherwise, but you’ve got something going for you that can dispel that training and replace it… you’ve got a picture of what you want (and what you don’t want). The title of that picture is haven and time. You know you want a haven for your husband and children. Stop for a moment and ponder what that looks like. You might keep that word in mind as you fill out some of your answers to the questions above. The second word, time, is also important to remember as one of the priorities you already know you have (or want to have). You want to have time for your children. It, too, will be important to remember when answering the questions. How will you spend your time in order to have or make time available for your children. I think you might also be implying that you want your children to remember you as their mama who always had time or made time for them. This will be important as you set up the routines of your day.
Schedules are very hard to implement and maintain in a home, but routines — daily set routines — priorities are the set activities of each day; these are things we see that we accomplish each day. You know the phrase goes something like: Fail to plan = a plan to fail. So, that being said, start today… take a step of faith. Begin with prayer: Lay all this before the Lord, lay proverbs 14.1)down your life before Him… give Him your sorrows and regrets; give Him your plans and desires; yield to His calling on your life. If you will commit your way to the Lord, He will direct your steps9. I know this to be true — I’ve lived this and for me this is not rhetoric but truth — a wise woman builds her house…. When I deviate from this, I fall. I literally fall and utterly fail. And a house comes down with the foolish mother. I know this personally and truly — thus I press on and part of my calling is to tell other mothers the truth, to show other mothers that the Lord is Faithful and True and His Word does not fail.
I hope this will help you today… I will think on this further and will write to you again. You know, the very fact that you wrote tells me you’re off to a wonderful start. I guess I’d add: take in the Bread of the Word, eat well, plan well, listen to praise music – not jarring music, get sunshine, seek every single day to find good things… good things to say, good things to think, good things to remember, good things to do for your husband and children. Their future (and yours!) really and truly depends on decisions you make today and every day.
This may, at first blush, seem harsh — but let the thought sink down in your ears — I say all of these things today at the door of my 34th wedding anniversary. I’ve experienced the fruit of good and bad decisions — good and bad branches and vines. You know, good and bad seeds both grow — that’s really a hard reality to grasp and to face — but it’s the truth. When I’ve neglected things, been distracted over things, been lazy or careless, lost my focus or given the bulk of my attention to things that didn’t pertain to the task at hand, the seeds planted in those times have yielded bad fruit — weeds — noxious weeds — branches and bitter fruit that needed to be pulled, pruned, burned and/or destroyed… even now, I must be vigilant to watch for roots of bitterness or selfishness of those times and even in these days and take the necessary — painful, humbling and difficult — steps to cut them out. When I’ve cultivated the soil and have planted good seed, when I’ve invested and have been eager, working diligently, heartily, cheerfully, purposefully and graciously, the blossoms have been fragrant, the branches strong and the fruit sweet. That’s what I pray will be the result of your life: sweet fruit.
May you always be blessed.