marriage – Page 3 – The Welcome Home

Fireproof – the movie – Please go see it!

I very rarely make a bold movie recommendation and I don’t think I’ve ever suggested that there’s a movie *every* married couple must see. Until now. Now, I’m not caught up in the afterglow of a tremendous movie or in a bunch of emotional hype that seems to be the order of the day when a person comes out with a guaranteed to change the purpose of your best life now sort of book and I’m not doing a 40 day program with my church and I am not even saying this movie will change your life, your marriage or your future. But I am saying that if couples (married especially, but engaged couples as well) would go see the movie Fireproof, I believe God would most surely use it to open blind eyes and soften hard hearts and change directions, habits, decisions and futures of marriages – any marriage – current or future.

Wes and I went to see Fireproof last night. I’m telling you it was a powerful, God honouring, insightful and inspiring movie. The message was that powerful. And it wasn’t bcz it was a message about something I’m passionate about – though it is – it’s bcz the underlying message of the Good News of Jesus Christ was the central theme woven in the message that marriage is a covenant and no one/no marriage is beyond hope. I would go see it again today. I will buy it and I would, if I could, buy a copy of the movie for every couple I know (couples from engagement beyond golden anniversary). I would, if I could today, buy The Love Dare Journal for every couple I know (see a sample chapter here); No kidding.

The power of the Gospel – the power of God to save, restore, rekindle love, secure commitment to the covenant of marriage, to power of God to work in lives of husbands and wives… to honour, respect, forgive, love and cherish one another… this is the theme of the movie. This is the powerful message Fireproof presents.

Now, I know there are critics mocking this movie and punching gaping hole in whatever flaws they perceive the movie to have. And there are those who, for seared consciences, are mocking the “religious” answers, approach or reaction to life’s trials and temptations – as if to be disappointed that the movie didn’t go the direction most marriages on the brink of divorce go or the direction physical or emotional affairs go. It’s pretty incredible that a movie of the caliber of Fireproof is even playing in mainstream theaters.

I suppose there’s probably some ~~shock~~ disappointment, by those same sarcastic, hollywood plastic faces and movie critics, and they’re probably incensed that the movie contained no nudity, no gratuitous sex, no philandering, no swearing, no omg’s, no crude language, no drinking, no drugs, no gambling, none of their favourite ‘stars’ and nothing to bolster Barak Obama’s standing in the polls.

My prayer is that this will not become just another hyped up, trinkets and trash, mega’church’ gizmo to attract masses – 40 days of whatever and the marvelous intrinsic value, message and intent is lost to much making of merchandise. (Ezekiel 26.12 & 2Peter 2.2-3)

♥ Go see it!!

vasectomies.

I thought I’d just start this post off with a bang: vasectomies. Writing the rest of it will be easier now, comparatively speaking. Well, with the exception of replies to comments – but that’s probably the good thing about not receiving lots of daily comments here.

I don’t know of an elective surgery that is more emotionally charged than vasectomies – with the exception of tubal ligation. Every week I receive letters from women — men and women — couples — who ask for prayer for conception and pregnancy – most requests are posted on our site. In addition to those, we receive letters inquiring about birth control and vasectomy or tubal ligation reversal. So many aches. So many questions. So much regret and disappointment. So many broken hearts and marriages. Week after week, couples plead for prayer on their behalf that God would be merciful and grant them conception… that God would provide a way for a vasectomy reversal… that God would forgive a bad or foolish decision.

If you’ve visited our site or have known me any length of time you will readily know my strong opposition to the big fix. It’s a lie… the big fix is no fix at all – for breaking things that work just fine isn’t a solution or a fix-all. Very, very rarely do I ever talk with a person for whom pregnancy is or would be fatal or detrimental health wise. Very rarely do I read of situations where a woman should not — must not — get pregnant. And most of the time, my estimation of birth-control is this: it is for people who should not get pregnant. And who should not? People who are not married. to. each. other. Sincere or Medical cases of necessary abstinence are rare – much rarer than are cited.

Responsibility is a marvelous gift to men and to women. Responsibility requires necessary restraint and composure, resolve and commitment. Vasectomies remove a substantial restraining factor in men’s lives and behaviour. That’s something that’s probably not mentioned when men seek a vasectomy. It’s not like the doc sits there and says, now, brother, you do realize that you now have total sexual freedom, don’t you? Are you sure you can handle this?

Of course not.

Instead, docs ignorantly praise a man for the decision he’s making (the great financial benefit, notwithstanding) and how now he’ll be free to enjoy secs completely and his wife will never have to be burdened again, blah, blah, blah. Based on the number of women who’ve written to us, and we’re nobody!, and I will tell you, women cry over the foolish decision and men ache with shame and regret for making a decision based on convenience. and doubt. and fear.

Page two, Local Section of this morning’s Seattle Times has an article about a doc in Oregon who is offering “premium vasectomy appointments” to men who want to time their vasectomy just right to enable them to watch March Madness college basketball… “It’s snip city.” the ad in the article proclaims.

Another sad consequence: older men acting on impulse; younger men instructed. Older men paving the way for younger men to neglect God.

The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge. There is no speech nor language, where their voice is not heard. Their line is gone out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. In them hath he set a tabernacle for the sun, Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it: and there is nothing hid from the heat thereof.

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward. Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression. Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. — Psalm 19

Problems? Headaches? Tired of being tied down? Kids interrupting your game or game-plan? Make an appointment to cut them off today. You’re in charge of your life – why be bogged down with children and family, why bother?

So light and so cavalier is the view of the great gift of life. Pragmatism makes many foolish decisions. For which man could know what God has in store for him? Who can know the great mind of God on matters of life, offspring and posterity – except that He says children are a blessing and a great heritage to the man who has them. Decisions with eternal implications made in a moment of frustration or despair… based on a most convenient scenario.

I wonder how many will be grieved five minutes or six months later when the gravity of the decision is realized. It is a grievous thing to cut off the possibility of children – the heritage of the Lord. The big fix is a lie.
We know many who have sought forgiveness for the hasty or ill advised action and have joined in prayer and have sought reversal: “Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me…”

God help us.

Birthcontrol at Mars Hill

In our area lots of folks are drawn to the Mars Hill church in Seattle and ‘tens of thousands’ more who listen on line. I began to watch this lengthy video – it is a sermon, after all, and listened to his take on birth control and what the Bible says about marriage, procreation and principles of birth control. So after listening for awhile I realized that he, as we all do I suppose, interprets according to his conviction or his interpretations or reactions to what he’s read, heard or seen. I notice this throughout life, when we like someone or want to like someone, then we tend to accept what they say or teach – but if not, and especially when it comes to ‘religious’ people with views counter to our own, we tend to discount, exaggerate or mock what they say, do or think. We might even dare to call them legalists or legalistic. That label used to be bandied about by people outside the church, but now it’s increasingly common within the church to divide from legalists. Interestingly, though, legalism has been redefined to include much more than it ever did before recent times. Now, legalism is anything that holds to what’s considered a ‘narrow view’ of the Word of God and moral absolutes. Before the paradigm shift of much of the modern church, what’s now called legalism was simply adherence to high morals based on what’s clearly defined and taught in the Word.

When Mark Driscoll started his sermon, I thought… hmmm… I think he just might have something here. But the longer I listened, the more I realized he had an agenda (again, as most of us do when talking about things we’re passionate about) and his preconceived notions or his biases were evident. If you like (follow, subscribe to, admire, agree with, etc., etc.) Christian teachers such as Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Nancy Campbell, Doug Phillips and/or Mary Pride, then his comments and interpretations of their teachings, Biblical understanding or positions will likely cause a reaction. And it won’t be cheerful. Well, that’s what I thought, anyway. But I always react pretty strongly when people trot out the Andrea Yates argument and start dumping conservative homeschooling, homebirthing, yada, yada, yada mothers into her bathtub.

Further, you’ll likely have some strong reactions if you’re attempting to live in accordance with God’s Word and are asking His blessing on your marriage and especially if you understand that to mean: one, some, none, many or however many children “blessing” means. And if, with that mindset, you are “quiverful minded” and/or are a homeschooling mom in a dress with a wide collar (snipe, snipe) or if you take the verse, “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it…,” to mean what it says and you don’t reinterpret it to fit your agenda, then you will likely react to Mark Driscoll’s condescending remarks.
But… if you’ve been taught to believe otherwise, then… you’ll find his sermon and his assumptions — well, just what you want to hear. Bcz whatever you think is what’s best.

What thirty years have taught me… the secret?

Are you looking for the key to happy marriage? The key to long marriage? I think we’re all looking for the key to something. Just think of the things for which you wish you had the key. I need to lose twenty pounds fast; what’s the key to fast weightloss. I wish I had buckets of money; what’s the to getting rich quickly? I wish we had happy, compliant and delightful children; what’s the key to perfect children? O, I wish our home looked like magazine photos; what’s the key to a beautiful and orderly home while raising children?

See, we all want the key – the key to success, the key to thinness, the key to youth — whatever our ______wish, we all know we secretly wish for the key to it. Same with marriage. Women are longing for the key to success in marriage. They think if they could just get a hold of that key – that special formula that would produce or unlock the door to success, they’d finally have a happy marriage – they’d be happy.

Well, here’s the secret: there is no magic key.

There is no magic formula and there is no dot to dot template. There is no ancient secret that only 33% of married couples are privileged to receive. Just like there aren’t people who are ‘just born organized’ or have ‘what it takes’ to have a large family, there aren’t people who just naturally have long happy marriages.

But.

Don’t you just love that word? But. I think it’s probably one of my very favourite words of all words. “But” conveys a whole host of things – it’s like a gigantic stop sign. It says, hey, things were going one way or things might look bad or bleak or hopeless !BUT! things don’t have to be. And here’s why: But God… but God who is rich in mercy…

I’m telling you faith in God is key to just about anything you’ll ever face. If you don’t have faith in God, you — quite literally — don’t have a prayer. That’s what I was meaning when I said yesterday that it is by the grace of God that we have been happily married as long as we have. If it weren’t the Lord who was on our side, I’m telling you truly, we would have capitulated to the great abyss of selfishness, self-centeredness, loss and quite possibly have been another of the casualties of marriage: divorced.

So, I’m going to say that there is a secret – but it’s no secret, really. The key to long marriage (besides physical longevity) is faith in God and the resolute affirmation that in this home – between these two people – now or ever – there will be no divorce. Period. We will strive together – not against one another – to preserve, protect, fortify and strengthen our walk with God, our faith in Jesus and our commitment to be the other for the other. It’s the resolve to say: Sweetheart: I am your other – you are my other and beside you there will never be another and beside me there will never be another. We together are the only other we are going to have. Ever. And by the grace of God, I will learn what it takes to be the best other for you beyond what you could ask or imagine.

Tomorrow I’ll share a bit more… some practical things I’ve learned and am working on – sort of what’s in the fabric of a long marriage.

What thirty years have taught me… p.o.a.t. don’t pout.

For many days now I’ve been mulling over the question: what have thirty years of marriage have taught me? When I look back at where we were, where we’ve been and all that’s happened through the years, all I can honestly say is that it is the kindness, the grace and the mercy of God that we’re where we are today. Now, that might be a preface one might use to begin telling the story of a once rocky marriage or the story of a marriage that was saved from shipwreck. In deciding to use the “it’s by the grace of God…” preface is to say that we are humbly aware that the blessings, the good things, etc., etc., are all by the grace of God. That preface is used to convey the thought that we are in awe of the benevolent grace and mercy of the Lord we’ve been immersed in through all these years.

I know that years have softened rough edges of difficulties or trials, disappointments, lack and loss through the years and that my memories are probably a bit selective and my vision is not as sharp as it once was, but I’m not wearing rose coloured glasses today to gloss over reality. Perhaps more accurately though, I find that there’s some real benefit to wearing rose coloured glasses… it’s in wearing them that there’s a blessing to just be able to pass over the things that really don’t matter and to glowingly see the things that do. And so, that’s probably my introduction to what thirty years of marriage have taught me: to pass over the things that really don’t matter and joyfully anticipate and savour the things that do. Because, truly, most things we fret (or fretted) over, or make (or made) a big deal over, are really not (or weren’t) all that important.

In the end, some of those little irritations, those petty arguments, and selfish preferences really didn’t and really don’t matter. And so, what I wish I had known then (whenever the ‘then’ was — yesterday, ten years ago, twenty years ago or even thirty years ago) are things I know (a bit more) now. I’ve been learning more and more through the years to just pass over the unimportant things *and* to not make big things out of little things. Thirty years have taught me that we honestly and truly will forget or think unimportant those things that in the past might’ve gripped us — those things we might’ve at one time thought of as impossible, irreconcilable differences or grievances. So, what are those things?

Well, I’ve wondered a lot lately: what are the things that I was or might’ve been irritated over in the past or what things made me frustrated, nervous, disappointed, and etc.? Put in perspective, I’ve thought of this question further in this context: if Wes were to die tonight, what would not matter or what would not have mattered? Really… deep down matter? Then, for even more clarity: if he only had three and a half months to live, would some of this stuff matter at all? Would those things that didn’t get done or those things I wanted to do and didn’t or couldn’t — what, if anything, would matter or be worth quibbling over?

Some inconsiderate comment? Socks on the floor? Forgetting important details of a story? Neglecting to remember an appointment? Not being as ‘good’ or as ______ (fill in the blank here) as Mrs. So ‘n so’s husband? Would I care about some of my have not’s? Would I be impatient with him? Would it irritate me that he forgot to do or say something? Would I find it drudgery to run another errand for him, or wait for him, or have him be late for dinner or whatever great or small inconvenience was in my path?

Well, since we don’t know the day or the hour of our own death, our husband’s death or the great or small activities we may face. One thing i do know is this: the Bible says, “The discretion of a man defereth his anger and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.” – we read in Proverbs 19.11. A glory to pass over a transgression? A glory? Yes. It is a glory to just let things go – to say, it doesn’t matter. Let that comment go into the sea of forgetfulness. I know poat is not a great acronym – it’s not catchy and it’s not all the attractive. So the only thing I’ve ever been able to tie it to is this: poat, don’t pout.

So… that’s probably one of the greatest benefits or lessons I’ve been learning through the years. Let those disappointments, those trials, those insensitive words or comments, those missed marks – misunderstandings, those less than ideal conditions… let then slip away and be cast into the sea of forgetfulness.

Last night as we were dining in a delightful little Greek restaurant – Monday night, notoriously not a very busy night of the week in restaurants, we had smatterings of conversations with our server… a beautiful young woman glowing with early pregnancy and youth. Later she asked what brought us to the island and what we were celebrating; we told her today’s our thirtieth wedding anniversary! Glowing. :o) She was taken aback and quickly offered: “Wow, congratulations!”

Later she returned and said… so I want to know: what would you tell me is the key to long marriage?

Pass over things. Not a lot of what you think’s important today is really all that important. Let little things go… don’t be petty and don’t get easily ruffled or offended. It doesn’t matter… it really doesn’t matter. Delight in him… let him know it – live it every day. You may not have tomorrow. Make today the best today. Trust the Lord. We talked a little bit about a lot of different things.

She returned again later saying she wanted to take care of our dessert for us for being such an encouragement and blessing to her. The whole evening was delightful… as sweet as thirty years of dessert.

now, we’re thirty.

By the grace of God… we do celebrate thirty years – of marriage and family.

our wedding

thirty

You know, I sometimes find it hard to believe I’m over thirty years old… but it’s harder for me to fathom thirty years of marriage. And, in many ways, it feels like we’re just beginning. So… now we’ve sure been reminiscing. Thirty years… February 4, 1978.

I think over then next few days I’ll write a little bit about marriage and what thirty years has taught me. I’ve loved being married. I’ve loved being married to the man I’m married to. You know, lately I’ve been thinking of so many things… I smile as I think that in many ways, he’s not the same man I married. The man I married was not my lifelong companion, my fully and completely trusted friend, my safe harbour in the storms of life. The man I married was not the father of eleven children… he hadn’t been proven, tested, strengthened, beaten down, bold to start over again and again. The man I married was invincible and I’m sure I thought he’d never get old, never get sick, never get tired and never fail. The man I married was adventuresome and he was charming, delightful and thought I was everything.

At the time, I was far from thirty. I was, by any standard, a very inexperienced and often foolish girl. I didn’t know… well, let’s just say that, looking back now, I didn’t know much about anything.

True story: one day, shortly after we were married, I went shopping and bought groceries. Lots of groceries. I recall that I spent $176. Yep, lots of groceries. There were just the t-w-o of us in our one bedroom-upstairs apartment. I have no idea now how I could’ve purchased all those groceries for t-w-o people. But I did. I was from a very small family – just three of us, by the way, and I, myself, was very small and didn’t eat much. So, the groceries…

Well, I got them all put away and it must have been just a short time later that I proceeded to make the dinner. I call it ‘the dinner’ bcz I fixed fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, peas and carrots, salad, rolls and a blueberry pie. That’s what was in the picture in my cookbook. I loved my kitchen and my new cookbooks — my new world. Wes hardly said a word all through dinner… just kept smiling and eating. He’d look around the table at all the place settings I had set out (because I thought the dishes looked so pretty) and he’d smile at me and keep on eating. At the end of the meal, still holding my hand, he said that was the best meal he’d ever eaten. (btw – I *never* make that meal anymore)

Well, anyway, another day, in the early months, I decided to bake an apple pie. Hmmmm. Pare and core. Hmmmm. What does that mean? So, I called my husband at work (I know, I cannot believe it either) to ask him what does it mean to pare and core the apples? Is that peeling them and cutting them up? Yes, he says, I think that’s it! So, I asked him, then why didn’t they just write: Peel and core? O, I see… the paring is the peeling and slicing process. Okay.

I’m sure it’s the best pie I ever made – truly. That’s what he told me. And I still believe him. 🙂

The man I married didn’t have a whole lot of worries, concerns or responsibilities – O, I think they were there, but there were really few things that ever concerned him. I’d never seen him weep. I’d never seen him disappointed. I’d never seen him sad or weary. Thirty years has some sorrows. Thirty years has some disappointments. Thirty years has a bunch of memories – so many, many memories. Thirty years is to me now a very, very long journey with lots of hills and valleys, beautiful sunrises, full moons and leaves falling. Thirty years sees lots of blooms, hopes and dreams and lots of stormy days, but enough sunny days to warm the heart and the skin on your shoulders. Sunny days, soft breezes…thirty years sees lots of answers to prayer, lots of ways the LORD went before and provided and guided the path. Thirty years… watching children grow and go; kneeling beside our bed in prayer, walking the floor with fussy babies, standing beside cribs to just watch. Thirty years of watching and waiting, praying and hoping. Thirty years around the table… at bedsides, and fevers, soft baths and fluffy towels, streams in the deserts, steep hills and rocks on the path… soft rain on roses.

On the night we were married, I recall him looking into my eyes and I thought at that moment I could never love him more. But I also know now, that I didn’t really know what love — true love — was. I had not yet really seen the Hand of the LORD, I had not understood the provision of God – and didn’t know what it was to have a marriage as a picture of Christ and the church. I now know that I didn’t have any idea the blessing in store in the gift of my husband. I had not yet seen him tenderly caring for my every need, immersed in the moment, looking into my eyes, helping me through contraction after contraction, baby after baby… each time overwhelmed with love and gratitude looking into the face of each newborn baby and then over at me. He wept over those babies… and sometimes still does, even though they’re far from those days now.

I didn’t know the man I married would still be saying to me nearly every single morning, in answer to: how’d you sleep? Fine, I got to sleep next to you, didn’t I? And you know… after he had a heart attack and was still in the hospital and I slept in our bed alone, when I awoke, it wasn’t that I felt it was so hard to sleep alone, but it was hard to wake up alone. My heart is tender for those who are waking up alone today. The bittersweets of life.

I never thought we’d be thirty… but I sure am glad… and I wouldn’t trade a single day away for anything, anyone, anywhere in the world.

Our lingering conversations…

So… we seem to have a lingering conversation around here. When my husband comes in the room or we end up standing around in our kitchen… it’s as if we just continue this ongoing conversation… a conversation that sort of lingers in our minds day after day — now, week after week.A neon green appointment card is attached to a sheet of paper that hangs on the clip by the back door. That clip has always been there and holds whatever needs to go out to the mail box or it occasionally holds a check for a delivery or, now, it holds appointment cards. For the c-a-r-d-i-o-l-o-g-i-s-t. I know, I know… soon this will be ‘old hat’ and we’ll move on. This, as do most other ‘big deals’ in our family, will soon be as ‘normal’ to us as other things that are part of normal, everyday living. But for now, all this cardiology stuff is not normal, everyday living to us. Actually, I think I subconsciously believe that pretty soon all this will be over and things will go back to the way they were (whatever that was!).

Isn’t it interesting that we think we’re strong in the Lord – that we trust Him implicitly, that we leave everything in God’s capable hands and yet… well, and yet we don’t, do we? We intend to be faithful: honouring God in all we think, say, and do and yet, when life doesn’t turn out the way we thought it would, we falter.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I’ve been thinking of the way I always thought things would be… the way I thought things would end up. And things aren’t or haven’t quite turned out that way.

Eight years ago today was my father’s funeral service. I would have thought I’d have my father a long, long time. I thought things would have ended differently than they did. But they didn’t. I remember standing there at his service… I was giving a message that I hoped would both honour him and honour the Lord. I spoke of his life, his death and eternal life in heaven. No doubt there were people present who knew the gospel message but had never trusted Jesus as Lord. No doubt there were people there that day who still do not trust Jesus as Lord. God knows. I just knew I had a small window of opportunity to share the gospel, to share of God’s love and eternal purpose for man and to succinctly present the gospel message: the gift of salvation and eternal life in Jesus.

That salvation is all the more precious to me as the years pass… especially years in which things turned out differently than I thought they would.

Our lingering conversations… what would you want me to do with ____________ ?

Three weeks ago, when my husband had a heart attack, it was such a surprising thing — surreal, almost. I thought it was such an odd thing that had occurred — like something in a movie, like something in older relatives’ lives, not something in my life — not something in my husband’s life. Something for older women… not for me. I never would have thought that this is the way things would turn out. I guess I actually thought my husband was invincible and that he would live on much longer than I will. And that may well still be the case… but somehow, now, I think not.

So, when things don’t turn out the way we thought they would, what do we do then?

You know what I’ve been thinking? Praise God. Praise God that He does not tell us in advance the things we have in our future. Praise His marvelous name that we do not know, in advance, the way He has planned for us. Would we love Him? Would we trust Him? Would we praise Him?

What do we do when things don’t turn out the way we thought they would? Well… I’ve been mulling this thought over and over. This is a lonely time. And now I see this sort of thing’s been lonely for several of my friends at other points in their lives. And I missed it. I overlooked their plight. It’s not a Joni Mitchell: “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,” sort of time, but rather, it’s a lonely time – a no one knows/cares/understands what I’m going through sort of time. It’s a very personal sort of time; an “Omygoodness, my husband could have died and life as I knew it could have been over” sort of time. And only other women who’ve experienced the same thing can understand. And it’s a: wow, is life so over when it’s over –or– wow, is life so different when it’s different, sort of thing!!

So we have this lingering conversation. Wes walks into the room and another sentence is spoken. “By the way, _____________.

I come home and I say, I’ve been thinking…. if… well, if things go that way, then what should I do about ________________?

Day after day, sentences begin – with no introduction.

“Okay, so if _________, then what I will do is____________ and I will not________ and I will call_______ . Okay. No, I don’t want to get married to anyone else. No. I don’t want to think about___________ . Yes…. I will do that. Yes… I know, I will wait to do that. No, I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. Let’s forget all this happened. No, I will not change my mind.

A day passes… the conversation lingers.

“I have been with you longer than my whole adult life… and everything that’s happened to me has happened with you. I do not want to be alone to face the remainder of whatever’s going to happen to me and the children. And the conversation lingers…

He stands at the sink. “Her father had his first heart attack when she was six… the conversation lingers.

He stands at the cabinet. One bottle lid pops off, then another and another and so on until all the meds are in hand. Wow. What a difference a day makes. Into my once very ordered, very secure, very sure world… has come amber bottles with foreign names and expiration dates and warnings… Strange, what a difference a day makes.

The lingering conversations. Day after day.

“I want the older boys to know I’m proud of them.

The conversation lingers.

“I’ll always love you.

O, for heaven.

Whither Thou Goest

Inscribed on our wedding invitation and sung at our wedding were the words (from the Book of Ruth): “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thess: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God, my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.”

Well… those are the thoughts behind my words: “Whatever you want to do… that’s what I want to do.” I’m saying them a lot these days – and I mean the words like never before.

Though I have probably said those words a thousand times, I’m wondering: have I really and truly always meant them? In times past, I said them, but I’m wondering if the: ‘whatever you want to do, I want to do’ was sort of a qualified, ‘whatever you want to do – I might want to do.’ I am wondering theses days if I actually, more accurately meant: you can tell me whatever you want to do and I will go along with that plan… but I will also work to adjust it around my previously arranged plans. So, it was more: Whatever you want to do, I’ll probably go along with it – unless I get sidetracked or unless I forget or unless it doesn’t really work out for me or whatever.

I have strongly intended to follow him wherever he leads, to follow his lead -seriously. Day by day, through our whole marriage, I have sought to honour him in word AND in deed. But as I’ve inferred a few times in the last several entries: there’s nothing like a wake up call to turn the world upside down or totally rearrange the pieces on the game board… maybe, in reality, to show that the game is further along than you thought — that, literally, you’ve lost some pieces or some points and now have to change your whole strategy and game plan. Or get one.

I’ve been mulling over lots of things. Lots of things that seemed to matter: don’t. Lots of things that seemed to need attention: don’t. Lots of things I wanted to say or do really don’t matter all that much. When it all comes down to it, there’s really not a whole lot that matters a whole lot.

When it all comes down to it, here’s what matters:

Are you right with Jesus?

Is there any unfinished business in your life?

Are there some things you need to do today? Words you need to say today? Forgiveness you need to seek today? Forgiveness you need to offer today. Really…

The possibility of walking through the rest of my days alone has really abruptly assaulted and altered my thinking. I know my husband loves me – cares about everything that concerns me and seeks my best interest. I wonder if I have, by my actions when I am reluctant to do this or that thing, or to go to this or that place, questioned his judgment – questioned his love? So I’ve been asking the LORD to work in me – through me – to say and mean the words I say to my husband. I want the literal words of my mouth, the meditation of my heart and the intent of my actions to be: whatever you want to do.. . that’s what I want to do.

My husband and I took a long drive yesterday and talked. And talked. We talked about things we’ve only brushed the surface on in years past. I don’t know when we would have started talking about life and health and death, but here we are… talking about it all now.

So, I’ve been reflecting on the passage in a whole new light. I want the “whither thou goest, I will go” to be: whither thou goest, I *want* to go and I will go. Hand in hand with the Proverbs passage, “She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” a sure foundation, or mandate for wives, can be seen. Doing him good… what can I do, what can I say, where can I go that will: do him good?

loyal — to the end

[September 6, 2007] Several weeks ago I wrote but never completed the following blog entry. Now that story has an ending. My heart is heavy today as I think of our friends and the first day they spend without their husband/father. Wes took Hannah back over to Idaho on Sunday morning so that she could continue helping our friends and she called a bit after midnight to share that the final chapter was complete. Today our friend, Bob, woke up in the presence of the Lord Jesus… in the presence of all the saints who’ve gone before and of the angels in Glory. This is a great comfort. Now… the family goes on without him. They loved him, were loyal and can trust the LORD for the days ahead. This, too, is a great comfort.

Whew… so all of that happened.

July 16, 2007 I know it’s been awhile. No, I wasn’t on a cruise or sunning at the beach or spending time at a spa… but, I must say that 107º in Lewiston was h-o-t as was the rest of the time we spent in Grangeville over the weekend. I so love the heat!! I’m finding the only heat I’m experiencing now, back home, is from hot-flashes! I suppose this will be some consolation that this coming winter will be more bearable knowing that I will not need to rely solely on standing in front of the woodstove to get toasty warm.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. No, what I wanted to write about briefly today is: loyalty. Loyalty is a strange thing. In fact, perhaps one might never really know if it’s a priority or if loyalty is present until it’s tested. Sort of like a chair or a stool. You don’t really know if it’s strong until you step on it and let go of whatever else you choose for stability. You never really know how strong the coffee is until you taste it or you never get the full flavour of tea until you steep it in some boiling water. So… loyalty. Until you’re tested, you may not, in fact, be loyal at all. You might be dedicated for a day or so or a week or so, but years? Loyal for years? Gotta be tested.

My friend is loyal. I watch her — have watched her and will continue to watch her. I love that she’s faithful – she’s been faithful and I know I will watch her continue to be faithful. I’ve no reason to doubt it. But you know what I marvel about? Yes… she’s been utterly loyal. Never looking to be relieved of her “life” or “duties,” she’s tended to his *every* need. Loyal. She’s fed, bathed, clothed and tended to every single thing that concerns him – day after day, year after year – everything. I don’t know how many times I’ve said, I don’t think I could do what she’s done. I thought about it a great deal, and I’m really not so sure I could do what she’s done. I hope I would. I want to think I would. I’d want to be… but year after year after year after year…. I wonder. Would I have given up a long time ago? Would I press on faithful —loyal— to the end? So, you know, I’ve begun to pray to that end: that I would be found faithful —loyal— to the end, no matter what.

I’ve thought about faithfulness —loyalty— to the end. I promised my husband thirty years ago that I would be faithful — loyal— to the end. I’ve kept that promise. It was so easy to promise that thirty years ago. It was such a delight, such a wonderful thing to say, to think… to feel. It was easy bcz my resolve hadn’t actually been tested. It was easy bcz I was well, I was young, I was strong and idealistic — that, and I’ve noticed a tremendous resolve in many children of divorced parents to determine to *never* allow any circumstance to dictate or diminish loyalty. That was me then and it is me now. And my loyalty to my husband increases day by day, year by year. So why would I think my response to a devastating situation be anything less than loving loyalty?

We went to Idaho to visit our friends this past weekend. The family has been a tremendous blessing to us through the years. As the father of a large family continues to suffer the debilitating effects of ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease, we have grown increasingly concerned about the long term effect illness has on each one… thus, my references to my loyal friend — the wife of this man. None of them would seek recognition for the marvelous care they give and none seek sympathy for the situation they daily live with, nor for the tremendous responsibility they each one carry — especially our friend — his wife, mother of their children and his primary care-giver all these years.

Her resolve’s been tested. Her loyalty has been tested and has not been found lacking in the slightest. In fact, she stands as a model of excellence and is to be praised. She would not say so — she doesn’t seek any of that and actually deflects the heaps of praise she receives. I think that’s probably one of the things I admire most and have taken note to remember. When she hears the words of others, “I couldn’t do that…” she replies, “I couldn’t either, but the Lord can.” She has been by her husband’s side… been his total and complete helper for every single thing that concerns him. His illness has been progressing for at least 12 years now and completely debilitating for longer than half that time. And through it all, she has daily praised the LORD.

It struck me profoundly this past weekend that I thought I couldn’t do what she’s doing… but I do believe this: God can. The LORD can do anything, anything, anything. For nothing is impossible with Him. And so… I don’t really need to know how faithful I am or how loyal I am to my husband today. The thing I need to know –and I do seek– is that the LORD *is* faithful. *He* is loyal and *He* alone is my strength. And should I face a similar challenge… I, in faith, trust that He would carry me, too. I pray to be found faithful. I pray to be found loyal. To the end.